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Essay Contest

by Lykafaye0221


Hey guys! :)

 My name's lyka :) I actually need a help on something, I joined an essay contest on writer's square and I need your help on winning :) all you need to do is login your gmail account, click the link below and like my essay by clicking the red button. thank you so much and I hope you'll have a very nice day :)

https://plus.google.com/+WritersSquareOrg/posts/C2RweNQrzss


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Sat Jun 17, 2017 1:40 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ here to welcome you to the site with a nice little review :)
First, I'm a little unsure why you decided to set up a link instead of posting it here and then writing a little A/N explaining that you entered a contest and would appreciate it if we would like your essay on Writers Square, and then give appropriate instruction. Here's my review of your essay:

Penicullus is the Latin word for pencil, the name used for small, fine-tipped brush used for writing. People have been using pencils to write, draw, compute, and even as decorations. Pencils They have made things that we did not even imagined and pencils will continue to do so. Graphite, which is the substance used to make pencils, was discovered in Borrowdale, England in 1564. Originally, graphite sticks were wrapped in strings and later, graphite sticks were putted inside wooden sticks. It was valued for leavingbecause it left darker marks than lead. In 1662, in the birthplace of massive production of pencils started in Nuremberg, Germany. In 1761, Faber-Castell, Lyra, Staedtler and other companies started to impetus, pencil industry developed throughout the 19th century.

“When was the last time you used a pencil? I use pencils whenever I need to draw something, I use a pencil to write essays, and I use pencils for my everyday life.” The point is, people have been using pencils for more than a century and it is the reason why we have electronics, gadgets, and even cities. Everything would have been different if we did not have pencils, w.We could have never seen everything that we are seeing now, we could have never done all of this if it was not because of a single pencil, we could have never been us if it was not because of those pencils and we could have never had song writers, artists, poets, and fashion designers to make the songs that we listen to, the sketches that we can see now, the poems that we can read and have read and the clothes that we are wearing and will wear in the future. This is a huge run-on sentence. Each time you put a comma and then say "We" (and I didn't feel like correcting every single occurrence), there could be a new sentence. I also crossed some things out because I felt that it wasn't completely necessary to the essay's purpose. The beginning of the paragraph also felt pretty informal compared to what you had expressed in the essay so far, and it was in quotes, which seemed a little strange since no one was talking.Those are just my opinions, so do with them what you wish.

Inventors, designers, writers, architects, and even normal people uses pencils in their everyday life, people have been using pencils for inventing and planning and entertainment. “Imagine life without pencils, how are we going to build the buildings that we can call home if our architects can’t even draw their ideas and write their plans to illustrate the structure of the building? how are we going to communicate to the people who are far away from us if our inventors could not see the appearance of their invention on a board? And how can we write if we don’t have pencils? Before we had phones and almost everything, we had people who have ideas to make those things come true, and those people used pencils.

We can still use quill feathers and ink, sharpened stones, chisels, paints and more but, pencils are easier to use, they don’t get smudged after getting wet, they can have millions of designs if you want, they are neater, pencils are lighter than those things and it’s easier to erase the mark of a pencil using an eraser, if you use sharp things to carve you can’t erase it if you have made a mistake, and if we use paints and inks we would not be able to erase its marks so easily unlike pencils, it will be easier to erase every mistakes that has been made. Again, huge run-on sentence! I would break this up into two or three sentences, which might be hard since you give a list and then give some information about each item on the list, but it cannot stay as one huge sentence. Pencils are very useful but making it needs wood and graphite or lead but, before we can make pencils we will need to chop trees, a tree can make approximately 170,000 pencils. A pencil can draw a line about 35 miles long or write roughly 45,000 words. The last few statistics are really neat, but they seem out of place. Perhaps you could find somewhere else to put them in your essay, since they are actually pretty interesting, but don't quite fit.


And finally, where are your sources? I'm assuming that you used some sort of book or even just a quick online search, since a lot of what you mentioned isn't common knowledge (like where graphite was discovered and when, or those fun facts at the end). You'll need to cite those sources, or you can be charged with plagiarism, which is a crime. Just something to be aware of. :)

Best wishes, and good job,
MJ




Mayureshb says...


The ever amazing MJ , you are a true inspiration sir.



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Sat Jun 17, 2017 5:13 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there, Lyka! So I see that you're very new to the site, and I welcome you! Hehe.

This is a bit out of the ordinary for a way to read an essay, but nonetheless I come here to review. I found this to be pretty interesting! The introduction with the Latin word Penicullus is a great way to start, though I've seen these introductions before. There's a prompt that this happened to be based on it seems? I enjoyed that little bit about the origin of the word, though I do wish it were a bit more philosophical. This goes into the more technical version of the word and the origin of the pencil more than anything else. How the pencil happened to be created is a little tongue-and-cheek though I don't mind it. Adds some flavor that what we have here.

The introductory paragraph does a nice job at being...an introductory paragraph! You succeed in that though overall regarding the structure, maybe this would've been better if it were five paragraphs long? That gives three paragraphs in the middle for this central theme, with room for an opening and ending paragraph as well. It's more evened out, though I suppose that can't be changed too much now. In the second paragraph I wanted to point out a grammar error in the first sentence.

The question, "When was the last time you used a pencil?" begins with quotation marks, though it doesn't end with them. I have to say that I'm not too convinced at your argument of pencils? The whole 45,000 words or drawing a line 35 miles long fact is fun though I dislike it being at the end of the essay. That's where your conclusion should be, and your main facts should be in the middle paragraphs for the most part, not the last line. The conclusion should be wrapping up your essay and restating what it had to say for the most part.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest