Published July 10, 2008
"This is a different planet then what we have ever taken care of," Mehorgan said.
He got silence in return. They were waiting for more, what his next move would be. He wiped his brow, making sure that they didn't see how nervous he was. He was their leader, he had to be strong.
"We've come to a conclusion to use Sector one thousand and ninety-two, Part V."
Murmurs spread through the crowd.
"He wouldn't."
"It's too toxic."
"It will kill us!"
"Quite!" He roared. Authority was a plus to being leader. You had to have authority to rule, right?
"It should take care of most of those disgusting creatures, those humans."
The cheers that exploded from the crowd were deafening, their clapping boisterous.
He waited patiently for them to settle down. Patience, another virtue to being a good leader.
"Some of them are strong enough to live through it."
Mehorgan looked at the crowd. They were all ready wearing their human faces - ready to join the humans' crowd, ready to take it over.
"That's when we'll bring out RT561."
Murmurs rippled through the crowd again.
"He wouldn't - he can't."
"Now that would definitely kill us!"
HE looked at them, wearing their pitiful human faces. They weren't a particularly smart species. They only know what their nature is - to end.
To end the life of a planet. To end the life of a species.
"There's no need to worry, they are specially trained to hunt humans only," Mehorgan calmed the crowd.
Another blank silence. They're waiting, he thought. What do I say? Shouldn't they be cheering and heading to their crafts to take over the planet Earth? Jurped said this job wasn’t hard. Why is it so hard?
"And you have a new home," he finished awkwardly.
The crowd exploded into cheers. They were getting to move their lives to Earth.
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140,739 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Ok, I will be openly truthful to you and say that this was a dull piece to read. I couldn't enjoy and I was ready to be over with it halfway through. You need more description of the place they were in, the crowd, and maybe some seemingly nonimportant stuff. And I could not get into feeling with the character and could not understand what was going on, but that is ok seeing as this is only the beginning. I will be happy to review anything you need reviewed in the future, all you have to do is ask. Keep writing.
Boon the Werewolf
By wiping his brow he is making sure they don't see how nervous he is? That doesn't make sense.
I don't think the authority-plus-to-being-leader thing is needed.
I think you can bring in the fact that it's humans a bit better than that.
Why are they so happy they're getting to stay where the 'disgusting creatures' lived?
Basically, I'm confused. And not in a good way. I think you need to focus on one part of the story for the prologue. Give us and idea of what's to come but don't bunch a whole load of information on us and expect us to understand right away. I think it would be best to give a little background information on why they want to kill humans - is it for the earth or something else?
Like Mythmon said, you need to make the distinction between the species of the leader and that of the crowd. Just give a description of each of them, although it doesn't have to be incredibly in-depth. I'm also guessing that Part V and RT561 are chemicals, judging from the fact that you described the first one as toxic. Otherwise, you need to make that a bit more clear as well.
Two mistakes in here, though I assume they're just typos. Firstly, you need a lower-case 'e' instead of the capital in 'HE'. Secondly, you changed tense from past to present in the final sentence. Change the last 'is' to 'was'.
Is this referring to RT561? You need to make it clear exactly what that is, unless of course you don't want to reveal that just yet. Like I said before, you need to draw a finer line between Part V and RT561. Why is one toxic while the other 'hunts'? And why would they be sending something against the humans that would kill their own soldiers (disregard for life aside, why would they want to diminish the possibility of winning?)
All in all, though, this was interesting. I hope you write more, and if you do, PM me. Keep it up!
-Billy
I'm not quite sure I get it. What I think is going on is there is a bunch of aliens who are going to invade earth, and somehow kill all of us. Maybe by taking us all to another planet, that is toxic. The speaker appears to be smarter than the crowd. I got the feeling they were different species, one of which was the leaders, the other the soldiers.
I'm not sure if the crowd will survive the killing of the humans. But they seem to be extremely happy about it, making them forget the fact they may (will?) die.
One minor error in grammar I noticed. You said "They were all ready wearing their human faces," and it should be already, instead of all ready.
Definitely something that triggers some thoughts, about aliens and what not. Interesting. Confusing, but interesting. Maybe make some it clearer just what is going on, whats going to happen, etc.
-Mike