A/N: This is not only the first poem I've posted on here, but it's also my first post. Please give all the advice you have. Also, this poem is suppose to be broken into 5 stanzas, but when I tried to do it it broke unevenly. If anyone could give me some format information, that would be wonderful too.
Her hands are in her pockets,
Her eyes are looking towards
His face of recognition;
Remembrance that he hoards.
Her eyes are feeling foggy,
His heart is feeling worn,
She held the broken gaze
Which he confirmed was torn.
The summer air betrayed her
Though the sun protested,
Her mind was freezing fast;
For time had been rejected.
It's not surprising, dear,
I'd known and I had feared,
In between this distance
Rests all of our resistance.
If the sun hadn't been guarded
Behind those clouds of question,
I bet we could have found each other
Before the impending repression.
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Hi there! Rebel here to review.
I agree with Niraco and LittleCaroleen about the second half being much better than the first half. I felt that the second half flowed better than the first half because you began to weave the sun and the clouds throughout it.
I also enjoyed your ending. It emphasized the tragedy of the romance, and I felt like it was a nice conclusion.
Overall, you did a nice job! Keep writing!
I enjoyed the tragic romance side of this poem. Very moving indeed. Like Little said before me the second half of the poem was a lot better than the beginning I think it's because the second half felt a lot more solid whereas the beginning was a little all over the place. The changing point of view at times was a little confusing and I had to re-read it just to get a complete grasp on the poem. I do like the emotion felt within this poem but saying that it isn't used to its full potential.
I also really liked your ending:
I liked your choice of words used in the last lines. I felt that the tragicness was emphasised here.
All in all well done. While there was some emotion I felt that it didn't really shine out an awful lot, having said that the poem was enjoyable if not slightly confusing in the first half.
This is really good for a first poem. I think it could be better. The second half is way more enticing than the first. For some reason the first half seems really awkward. I can't quite place what's off about it. Maybe it's the flow or the rhythm?
I like the idea of it. A summer love fading. It's very deep and very personal. I like that about it. I think overall you did a really good job on it. Keep up the good work.
This isn't my very first poem written, but thanks for the input. It means a lot. For years and years, I had such a doubt that I could ever write poetry, and then just last year I started for stress reasons, and it just helps a person so much.
Also, I am considering what you said about the beginning. I think if I made the second stanza's rhyme sequence aabb instead of abab, it might help the symmetry of the poem, and lessen the awkwardness. I can't help but agree with you regarding that. What do you think?
I think that would flow better. I see the rhyme more now, but it's hard to find at the beginning.
(I agree on poetry helping people. I have no idea what I use to do to let my anger out. Or any strong emotion for that matter.)
Hello there! Firstly, I would like to say that your poem is really great, with only a few things that I noticed while reading. You're a natural at poetry! There was a very consistent flow throughout the poem, which is really good and made it easier to read. I enjoy some of your phrasing in it, for instance:
I really like that line. Anyway, on to the criticism, which isn't a lot, fortunately.
There should not be a comma at the end of the first line. When putting punctuation in poems, think of it as if it's prose, but broken up (because basically that is what it is). If it doesn't work grammatically in prose, it doesn't in poetry as well, with the exception of a very few things. You might be surprised at how little punctuation a poem might actually need most the time.
I may be incorrect, but when personifying eyes, I don't think you use the verb "to feel." It doesn't seem correct, so I'd recommend using a different verb or even something like "Her eyes are becoming/growing foggy." Or if you want to get metaphorical, you could say something like "Her eyes see only fog" or "Fog invades her vision" (those are form the top of my head so they're not that great.) But if you intentionally used the verb to feel, then you can keep it the same, I guess.
Okay just a note on the punctuation that I didn't realise before; you used a lot of commas where you actually needed semi-colons, so I'd recommend going over another time just fix that, because Office Word and Google Drive and programs such as those don't catch those kinds of mistakes in poetry, sadly. To determine whether or not you should change it or keep it the same, just look at the very next line's first word. If there's a "for", "and", or one of those connecting words (with the exception of therefore- you use a semi-colon and a comma for that) then the comma stays. If the line starts a new idea, use either a semi-colon or a period. If it's just a continuation of the previous line, then no punctuation is needed! Yay!
Last thing, I swear. In the beginning of the poem it's written in third perspective, but by the end it's in first perspective. Was that intentional or not? I got slightly confused at whether or not "I" was one of the people in the beginning, or if it was a completely different person.
Okay. I'm pretty sure you knew all of the grammar stuff I said, but I had to do it (I think.) So yes, I really like your poem, and I hope to see more soon!
Thank you so much! The point of view change was indeed intentional. I was considering changing it, but for this poem, I think it fits my purpose. Actually I didn't know about the semi-colon, so thank you. I will fix those things next week, when I'll have more time. About the word 'feeling', it was meant in a way that indicates tears. Feeling foggy as in, feeling warm and wet. It may not fit perfectly in some interpretations, however. Thank you so much for the review, Picklesole, it means a lot. I have many poems stored away, and this is the first I've shared online.