Midnight Romance 3

ok still very good but a few things I didnt get, earlier her mom is comforting her because they broke up, then in the morning she just randomly walks into her room telling her to get over him and rolling her eyes. and she got grounded for two weeks when she stayed out for one night, now lets compare the SAME mother who did all of the above to the mother in this paragraph.

when I woke up and I used his phone and called my parents and told them I was okay and that I had just spent the night at Michael’s. She gave a sigh of relief and told me that was great that we had gotten back together than said I could come whenever. I hung up and crawled right back into bed with him and kissed him tenderly. He looked over at me and said, “ Babe, I am so glad you came to my house last night. Oh, yah and I think we should get up and get dressed cause baby, I smell bacon and pancakes.” I laughed and said, “Oh Michael, I am glad too.”

this is a good story i like it alot

Hello again, Lurlene, I'm back! Couldn't resist reading on

Midnight Romance 3

I ran right through the house and out the front door as fast as I could not stopping for anyone or anything. I ran home with tears still streaming down my face and smearing my make-up, but I didn’t care [I would put a semicolon after "care". It will make the sentence easier to read] I was hurt beyond belief. I ran right through the front door, not caring whether my parents saw me, or not. My parents did see, but barely because I was running at such a speed. My mother stood and yelled, “Samantha Perry comma where were you.[question mark instead of a period after "you"]” I saw and heard her but did not care I carried right on through to by my bedroom, with tears still pouring down my face. Once I got to my bedroom, I ran right onto my bed and through myself into it, not closing my door or anything. Of course, my mother came in right after and went and sat down on my bed next to me. I told her to get out but she said that she wouldn’t leave until I told her what had happened between me and Michael. [how did her mom know she went to see Michael? I thought she snuck out...]

She rubbed my back until I calmed down and once I did, I told her everything from that night. She told me it was okay and that I would be fine, but I didn’t believe one thing, because I knew I wasn’t going to be, for I loved him more than any other girl would. I cried myself to sleep that night, and I will never forget the events that happened that night.

The next day I stayed in bed until 3:00 pm and I wondered around aimlessly the rest of the day. At 11 pm I was ready for bed when my mom came into my room and told me I needed to get over him. I told her in a very stern tone that I loved him and I will never get over him. She told me to grow up, and that it was over, I told her NO and with that I got up, got dressed and downstairs and outside.

Once I was outside I ran back to Michael’s house and knocked again on the front door. Michael answered and once I saw him, I don’t know what came over me, but I went right up to him and wrapped my arms around him and cried. While I was crying I spat out a few words. With tears streaming down my face, he asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing and just that I was so sorry. He said he was sorry too, and I asked him if I could come in and up to his room. He said, “Yeah, sure I would love that." We went up stairs and once upstairs, he pulled me close to him and kissed me so very tenderly on the lips. I loved it.

We had the best sex ever, and when I woke up and [no need for this "and" here. Just cut it out completely] I used his phone and called my parents and told them I was okay and that I had just spent the night at Michael’s. She gave a sigh of relief and told me that was great that we had gotten back together than said I could come whenever. [what?? her parents were okay with her spending the night with her boyfriend?? that doesn't sound like parents...] I hung up and crawled right back into bed with him and kissed him tenderly. He looked over at me and said, “ Babe, I am so glad you came to my house last night. Oh, yah and I think we should get up and get dressed cause baby, I smell bacon and pancakes.” [start new paragraph] I laughed and said, “Oh Michael, I am glad too.”

Well, that was a sweet ending, I guess. I wasn't expecting that at all, but I guess that's a good thing. But I do think it was too cliche. It was kind of like they were meant to be or something. I don't know...maybe it's just me being anti-romantic right now...I don't know...hehe.

The only other adivse I have to give you is to keep working on this. The more you tweak it, the better it will become!

Good luck and Keep Writing!

As I read this I had the feeling that the characters were very young possibly 13 threw to 15 so I must admit that I was startled when they go on to have sex and the mother allows her to stay over at his house.
The narrator’s voice comes across as immature thus it is hard to link the more adult acts with the voice

I also find that the character still lacks depth we do not know her, the events seem like somebody reading a list of events of a sheet of paper.

At points there was repetition for example

I ran right through the house and out the front door as fast as I could not stopping for anyone or anything. I ran home with tears,,,,,