Young Writers Society

This poem takes an interesting approach to the topic of peace and was thoughtfully done Lupa!

I'm just going to leave you a few thoughts for Review Day:

Throughout the piece I was wondering who "They" is supposed to be referring to, is it all people, or a specific group that the speaker is directing this to. Without identifying the group I get the sense that the speaker doesn't feel aligned with the group and almost feel like the speaker is judging those that promise or predict peace. I think if the speaker aligned themselves with the group by broadening it to "everyone" or "we" it would bring sympathy to both the speaker and the group being spoken too (basically people are more likely to listen to a message if there is a sympathetic speaker) or you could even draw out some points as to why the speaker is not part of "they" -- ie. are they a passivist? are they divine? do they have some station that allows them to know there will not be peace? I found myself thinking this would also be an interesting piece written from the standpoint of a tree, battleship, or a country, something that could actually judge humanity.

Another thought I thought while reading the piece is that some of the lines get pretty wordy. I think there could definitely be some lines in here at you could eliminate some of the wordiness.
For example, in this line: "They waited and watched as a former artist took the world by storm" using the verbs "waited" and "watched" is a bit redundant, and we already know the subject is "they" and then "took the world by storm" is kind of used language/might be considered cliche" so this line could say "Waiting as a one time artist painted the world dark" or some other metaphor that is unique and would communicate the same thing with half the words. That's just thought there, and I think some of the shorter lines are really your strongest ones. For instance ending on "There is none." is quite dramatic and the starkness really does communicate a lot.

I would also maybe delve a little deeper into exactly what you mean by peace in this poem. Is it just about wars and violence or does in involve attitudes, and what exactly about human nature prevents it? Those are just some thoughts to leave you with. But overall, I did really enjoy the thoughtfulness you brought to this peace and I think you have a good handle of word choice and form so far!


Best,

~alliyah

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Thanks for liking my poem "Becoming Human"! I enjoyed your poem as well! I really like the line "But human nature prevails over clichés". That stood out to me as so true but also so sad. The only thing I saw was in the second stanza where you said "...and Heil Hitler! echoing across Europe." Since you were talking in the past tense I think "echoing" would be "echoed". That's really all I've got. Great poem; it recognizes one of the sad realities of our world today. Have a fun day!

Hi there!
Okay, first off, amazing poem!! I like the feeling you put into it. I love what you did on this line, "They said “there will be peace” seventy years ago." I love how you put feeling into it, without an exclamation point. I would capitalize the T though. . I love the feeling, the simplicity and the truth of it. Great poem, keep writing! Sorry if this wasn't helpful, only thing is when you do a direct quote-"there will be peace-" I would capitalize the T.