There was a girl who saw the stars for what they really were.
She saw them going supernova, layers of their radiance
Peeling off one by one. She saw their core--
A sphere of embers that never died
Some with a brightness that nearly blinded her,
Some with a lackluster that chilled her heart.
She flew through space and touched the constellations
Naming the stars that shone around her
Giving them each a heartbeat
That pulsed in the same rhythm as hers.
She made the night sky her home, the stars her family--
A family that wasn’t always perfect, but close enough--
And she began to glow as well,
Lighting up all the craters of the moon.
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review! I believe I've reviewed a bit of your poetry before, though the concept of a supernova is new grounds as far as I know. Interesting! Without further ado, let's jump right in.
I can see this is a poem of a shorter stature, though I believe the minimalism here can be used for an overall stronger impact with a couple of tweaks. Right now this feels a little unpolished. That being said, we'll try to get rid of those tiny errors and uses of punctuation that do this. I love that you're attempting to be diverse with the punctuation that you use here. That's great to want to do. At the same time, this is a little on the more extreme side, using punctuation where punctuation isn't needed--I'll touch on this a bit more later on.
The first couple of lines, in particular the first two and a half before the period are quite strong especially with the imagery. I absolutely adore the thought of this girl seeing the negativity that stars can bring and especially the image of peeling layers off is pleasing to the mind of the reader.
The phrase 'one by one' is used twice in this poem in close proximity to one another, so I'm going to suggest finding a synonym to this. I also want to give an example of what I mean of the punctuation usage being a little off.
I realize that this is a large portion of the poem, though I won't be talking about all of this. In the first line, there doesn't necessarily need to be a comma there. The third line is a little odd with the wording. Specifically 'in the same rhythm' is the off-putting aspect here. I'm conflicted about the use of the dash at the end of lines four and five twice in a row for aesthetic reasons, though the flow isn't weak. Instead, the sixth line is another with awkward diction. Overall, this is nice although some touching up wouldn't hurt.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Thanks for the help!
That is very interesting. Seems very symbolic but I could be wrong? What was your inspiration? I like your word choice, especially lackluster. I don't know why but this poem has a touch of sadness could be because people relates stars and such to death. Which may not be what you are going for but that's the vibe I get a little.
Thanks for the review!