Published July 17, 2026
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Sight
White. Bright. Blinding almost.
That was all Yuki could see. White teeth. White stars. What she had been taught to fear.
Sound
Red. Dark. Sticky. Blood. Spilling from Yuki’s leg.
She could hear the tear of her flesh as their teeth found a mark. She could hear the distant howling of more. She heard it all. She heard the sound of them barking. So close yet so very far.
Touch
Brown. Everywhere. Fur. Bark. All around her
She could feel the sharp pinch as their teeth dug into her leg. The cold wet forest floor. At least it wasn’t hard. Unlike the closet.
Taste
Green. Grass. Fresh. Springtime. New beginnings.
She could taste the raw iron taste of blood. The fresh grass in her mouth. She could taste the fur, musty and unwashed.
Smell
Black. Shadows. Darkness. The void.
She could smell the iron scent of her blood. The musty scent of dog. Overwhelmingly she could smell expensive wine and floral perfume.
She could see a woman with gorgeous ginger hair.
She could hear her voice echoing through the trees.
She could feel the cold that surrounded the mysterious woman.
She could taste the expensive wine in the air.
She could smell blood.
“Are you hurt?” the woman asked with a cold smile.
The world went black.
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
I absolutely love this. All the descriptions are amazing, draw, and realistic, and I love the use of the five senses. (off-topic but this sort of reminds me of my own book :3) Nice work!!
Hehe thank you! I tried something a bit different with the sensory format and I’m glad it worked!
Hello!
I think "Almost blinding" would sound more natural, though the inverted wording does give it a more interesting sound. If the fragments are meant to reflect Yuki’s panicked thoughts, it can work, but you should make sure phrasing throughout feels similar. It's more poetic that way, at least!
The white teeth are clear, but I wasn’t sure what the white stars were. Are they actual stars visible through the trees, flashes in her vision from pain or the little bursts people see after being struck?
Hm. "Found their mark" is the usual expression.
I’m not completely sure she would hear her flesh tearing clearly over the barking, her own movement and everything else happening around her, though. She might hear fabric rip or the snap of teeth closing, which could be even more disturbing. Though, I don't know if you're going for literal here!
The closet detail is very effective for me. It introduces a previous trauma in only two words and makes me believe that Yuki’s mind is comparing the current attack with something she has already survived. I like that!
I’m unsure about the forest floor not being hard, though. A forest floor could contain stones, roots and branches, and Yuki probably wouldn’t find much comfort in its softness while being attacked. It may work better if the thought is irrational, as if her mind clinging to one tiny improvement over the closet, but you could make that clearer. I don't necessarily get the feeling that she is being attacked in the forest from this.
***
This is very atmospheric!
I think the sensory structure needs to be clearer, though. At the moment the headings and the descriptions beneath them often don’t match: the sound section begins with the sight of blood, and the smell section begins with darkness. This can be an interesting form of synesthesia, but I think you may need some indication that Yuki genuinely experiences sensations through colours, if she does at all. Otherwise, it can look disorganised.
You could push the idea further by associating each sense with a colour in a way that tells something about Yuki. Perhaps sound has always been red to her, touch is brown and taste is green. At present, everything happens to her while she observes it and there is little actual action happening.
I'm also curious about the dogs! They remain quite indistinct. I know there are several, they have white teeth and musty fur, more are howling in the distance, but I don’t know whether they are ordinary dogs, wolves or supernatural creatures. Their behaviour is coordinated enough to feel threatening, at least to Yuki, and she has apparently been taught to fear them. I suspect they are more than just random strays? Not sure.
Cheers! Thanks for sharing this story!
Lipton
Hello! I feel like I should lead with a bit of an explanation on the dogs lol they are just random strays and Yuki has lived her whole life in a cult (they worshiped the darkness hence all the references to light haha) before being thrown out so obviously, she's at least a bit scared of the dogs lol.
-I'm going to be entirely honest when I say I dropped in the line about the stars with no thoughts behind it so y'know it's definitely a very secret very deep metaphor lol
-For the realism aspect I do a good mix of realistic and fantasy so not all my writing is fully realistic that's why she could actually hear the ripping of her flesh (and on the note of the expression I forgot the original expression and made it up haha)
-I am honestly not sure if the forest floor would be hard, I was thinking it like just rained or something so it's kind of wet or moist
-I kind of just came up with the sensory structure on a whim and it was my first time trying it that's why it was kind of disorganized
Thank you for your feedback I'll definitely keep it in mind
Hia and welcome! Hope you’re having a great day :3
When… none of these things are associated with sound?And oh what a compelling story!
I especially like how it all comes together at the end, all the different senses working in harmony to create a full picture.
And given all the earlier descriptions the “are you hurt” comes across as so sinister and so mocking too! I love how the story ends right in the next sentence, very good!
That said I think I know what you wanted to do, in the beginning of the chapter. Associating each sense with a colour and I guess ~vibe~
Still it is very weird to me to read “sound” followed by
Same for the other senses. It took me out of the story to read it like this for sure xD Given the descriptions of being hurt and bleeding, I was also surprised a the lack of pain. It makes it feel unreal to an extent, especially with the way the story ended!
I am curious about the meaning of the dog and what exactly this mysterious woman has to do with all of it :3
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Hello! Thank you so much! I will take your feedback into consideration but in the mean time I want to explain some of my style choices
- the reason I included the lack pain from Yuki’s perspective is because when you brain is high on adrenaline (which Yuki’s very much is lol) sometimes it’s hard to fully feel everything and specifically you just no longer feel anything or feel everything in fragmented pieces so I cut out pain to make it a tad more realistic
- second you said that the colors kind of took you out of the story and I can see that looking back but the reason I did them so disconnected is because her brain is functioning purely on adrenaline and fear so she can’t focus and I thought that making the words unrelated to the sense would kind of make it a bit more realistic also (are you noticing a trend lol I like my horror realistic haha) but I do completely understand how that could be very jarring haha
I would appreciate any suggestions or thoughts you may have for my style
Oh it was very short so I don't have a good grasp on your style yet. It was definitely interesting to read tho! Thanks for the explanations yet I feel like adrenaline alone doesn't really make me appreciate the colours more
It might just be a me thing here tho!