**I was really bored from laying on the couch all day so I decided to write something. I might continue it.**
RING! RING! RING! The sound of a cellphone alarm brought the sixteen year old, Naomi to consciousness. Her head ached horribly as she opened her sharp blue eyes. Where am I? She wondered and grabbed her aching head. Her long, black hair fell in her face as she stood.
All of a sudden a man's tan arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her backwards. Naomi let out a squeal as she landed on a black bed. The man's warm lips quickly found hers. Naomi pushed her arms in front of her, forcing the man off of her.
"Who the hell a-" Naomi stopped dead in her sentance as she noticed who the man was and where she was. Laying in front of her was her nineteen year old, best friend, Kyle. His face bore an expression of hurt and sadness.
"Oh, Kyle, I-I'm so s-sorry," she reached for his face but her quickly pulled away, grabbing her wrists.
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced myself on you last night in your drunken state," he smiled slightly and sat up, kissing her wrists. He crawled over Naomi, standing up on the other side. He shook out his shaggy brown hair and walked out, pulling on a button-up shirt and a pair of pants.
After a while, Naomi got out of Kyle's bed and pulled on one of his button up shirts, not bothering to put on any pants. She floated down stairs, following the smell of bacon and eggs. Kyle greeted her with a suprise kiss on the lips and a long stare in the eyes. Naomi studied his beautiful, silky brown eyes and he studied hers.
Their loving moment was soon broken up by a familiar voice. "Kyle! I'm so hungry!" Kyle's twin brother, Luke stomped down stairs, yawning. He gasped in suprise as he noticed Naomi.
"Oh Naomi! I didn't know you were here!" He cried, a lilt in his voice. Luke kissed Naomi and the cheek and swung her around the kitchen. Kyle's face flushed a jelous red as Naomi laughed. Luke stopped swinging Naomi around and laughed. He grabbed a plate and threw some eggs and bacon on it as Kyle grabbed Naomi waist, making their own plate, and glaring at Luke the entire time.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay this is an interesting start here. Usually this sort of thing tends to start off on a much more horrible note than what this current one seems to be hurtling towards but at any rate, this does manage to do a pretty good job of getting our attention as readers with the way you set it up, it almost more effective since we have a bit of a subversion of the normal situation there.
ALright that one leaves me a bit confused I have to admit. The start of this had some very on point emotions, that quick explanation there afterwards seem to check out okay, but now we have ourselves a bit more of a doubtful moment here since things kind of take a turn that doesn't seem possible for things to really take here.
And that kind of just twisted in some entirely different directions. Its not bad, the ending is interesting in its own right and does make you want to read on there, the only issue is the massive situation opened up in the first bit gets completely discarded in favor of what feels like a total different story there...and this together just really doesn't work all that well at all so I think you need to considering exactly what sort of tension you want to create here and stick with just the one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I liked it a lot. Ihope that there is more!
I liked it, but like mentioned above, it could of had a tad bit more of a description. I think that could easily be fixed with another chapter. Please, please continue!
Twas very very good!!!! I liked it. You could've added a little more discription and such. Like Luke noticing her in his brothers shirt and so on. But other then that I really liked it!!!!!
I understood it. But I think her normal actions were a bit off for the situation. I don"t tink she would be all happy after something like that appened to er. But it is a very good start and could make a great story. Please keep going wit it. -begs-
Kay thanks everyone! I'll fix it soon!
its a good beginning but as everyone said confusing
um...
i was a bit confused and don't you think if that happend to a girl they would be extremely mad
and also why was she drunk
come on help us out here cause i really don't understand
i think witha bit of twiking it could be great keep writing though!!!
I think that this story has a lot of potential, continue?
I liked it a lot, and your grammar was ok, although you could work a bit on punctuation and sentence flow...
Hmmm... I was a bit confused. The beginning starts out with Naomi being confused as to where she is and Kyle being all apologetic about it being a mistake. Then it seems as though everything were all right, that Naomi knew where she was and was okay with it.
Then, it goes into her seeming to be with her own little male harem. Is she just there because of a one night stand? She seems rather comfortable there. Does this happen often? Luke really didn't seem to notice that Naomi has no pants.
This is an interesting concept, if not entirely original (two brothers loving the same girl...) and this story could use a lot more explanation. All of my questions above could be answered. Maybe have Naomi remember the night before. Explain what she is doing there.
Interesting, but vague. It could use a lot more, but it isn't bad. Good luck with it!
~GryphonFledgling