The Forgotten

I really liked this. It was very creative! I love Easter! I haven't been Easter egg hunting in a long time. You brought back so many memories!

Kinda creepy, seriously. I like how ya have some originality to this, but if ya didn't repeat the images and went for langauge techniques like metaphors or some others. More I mean. You'd have a great poem. This poem should be longer it's such large potential. Tell us more begin it, hook us. Make it longer, expand. Nothing about this is cliche.

Overall: If you rewrote this, I'd reread it gladly. Just work on it. Try reading some other poetry. Hope this helped.

Good luck
VSN

I would have liked to see you use stanzas. Everyone else got all the mistakes I saw.
The topic you picked is very original. I liked it.
Keep writing.

~Rachael

Hi Luna!

I agree with Firestar, after the first five lines, it seems different. I only saw two mistakes when it come to spelling and grammar.

As his freinds are picked off the ground, one-by-one.

One child walks towards the forgotten eggs haven,

This was a very original idea. The only thing that I didn't like about the piece is that you repeat the images that you use. They are good images, but the piece is too short to repeat them in. So, don't repeat the words "scattered," "forgotten eggs," "scream," or "cold concrete." Use some word variety.

Other then that, nice work. Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions, or if you just want to talk, or procrastinate from studying for a math test (which I totally am not doing right now... ).

I tried to get my fixes in red, but it didn't work. You'll have to look for them.

It wasn't that bad for your first attempt Lulu. This was actually pretty good, I like how it was about Easter. I seems that most of the poems that I read are about love, heart break, and hard life. I'm glad when people can fine other things to write about.

Anyway, if you post anymore poems, PM me!

LunaBuna43 wrote:**First attempt...so please be as mean as possible**

Multi-colored ovals dot the yard,
small children run around picking up each an every one of them.
One small, and forgotten egg watches from the safety of the bushes
as his freinds are picked off the ground, one-by-one.
The children laugh as they drop the eggs on the ground,
unaware of the screams of pain the small eggs let out as their insides are scattered across the cold concrete.
One child walks towards the forgotten eggs haven.
It bends down and reaches in,
the child's warm fingers wrapping around the used-to-be forgotten egg.
The egg shakes in fear and the child screams, dropping the egg to the ground.
The egg screams once, as its own insides are scattered across the cold, concrete. <-- for some reason I liked this line the best

**I know it sucks and if you are confused it's about an egg on Easter Sunday**

I liked the first part. But after the fifth line it seemed like it was a different poem, and I didn't like it. Also you were missing a few punctuation marks.