NOTE: I am not polytheistic and therefore do not express any religious beliefs that correlate with this story. :) Also, this religion is fictitious.
Also, here are some pronunciations:
Kie = KEE-yey
Qia = KWEE-yuh
In lands sprinkled throughout the world, some zealots and devotees believe in a council of gods that created Earth and the universe. Their faith worships and passes on the story of the Seven Gods, one of whom is the god of intelligence. The god, Qia, was the son of the goddess of life, Kie. In the beginning, Qia did not have a seat among the council of gods. But the divine Kie, who had borne a son whom she cherished deeply in her heart, saw that her son grew worthy to lead humans to enlightenment. The gods decided a god of intelligence was needed to sit in the council, and so came Qia. The other six were all the siblings of Kie, so Qia was the youngest of them, and was ecstatic to bring sparkling new ideas to lead the world when he was given a seat at a holy throne. When humanity’s intelligence first began, he created his first idea to make a great change in the world and have glory as a god, and excitedly rushed to tell his mother.
He told the great Kie that his brilliant mind had harnessed the power of electricity that his mother created for the world to create an electronic device with radio signals, which he said he wanted to bring down to humanity to help them in productivity and efficiency. He could imagine him coming down to Earth as the savior of humanity. But Kie shook her head. She gently told him that humanity was still growing, and therefore should not be introduced so quickly to a device too complex, for their minds were as new as fresh ink. She told him it would be better to wait and allow humanity to gradually pave its way to discover intelligence. Saddened but understanding his mother’s decision, Qia accepted and agreed to wait to reveal his invention.
Eons passed, and humanity began to flourish like a plant sprouting between cracked stones. Soon, they were shaping wheels and building walls, and soon documenting on tablets. Qia smiled upon humanity, proud of his work. Again, he went up to his mother, bringing up the subject of his invention, arguing that humanity was now ready. But the wise Kie again shook her head. From their thrones in the clouds, she pointed to the elements that the humans had still not found yet that lay scattered like uncharted stars throughout the Earth, and the metal they still used merely for crafting armor and sculptures. She reasoned that they still had many ages to go before they would be ready. She suggested again to slowly bring them to see enlightenment and discover philosophies and truths. Reluctantly, the god of wit obeyed his mother.
But Qia was angered that his mother was so cruel as to keep him from allowing humanity to soar to great heights; so he decided to prove how intelligent humans could be. Soon, thinkers came to the world who tested limits, broke barriers with philosophies, scientific discoveries, and artistic expression. Eras sparkled with shifts in discoveries, shone with expressive paintings, and shimmered in mapping landmasses and seas and creating paths to the future. Oh, how Qia polished and cut gems like they were crown jewels, shining crystalline edges that reflected the golden age of humans. Proudly, Qia presented his work to his mother, hoping she might at last permit him to unveil his great invention. Indeed, Kie beamed at her son’s work on Earth, but still her head shook no. Still, there was unrest and inequality throughout the world that would only worsen with the introduction of technology. Qia said nothing at this, as his resentment for his mother was boiling inside of him, threatening to overflow from his mother’s deferring of his chance to be humanity’s savior.
And so, the enraged god poured his power into the next centuries, working to make humanity’s intelligence transcend the limits, and all the other gods watched in awe as the they surpassed their expectations, planting seeds throughout the world that would prosper and grow into branches of ideas, spread across the world, tunneling its roots towards millions of minds, interconnecting systems, until the world was so complex that even the gods were speechless. At last, Qia wiped his brow, satisfied with his creation. Soon, his mother came up to him and embraced him, lauding him for humanity’s great heightening of intelligence. Qia almost laughed, but a part of him was still as tense as a stone, still wanting the glory he desired so long ago. Qia asked her again if he could bless the world with his invention, certain of her approval. But Kie tilted her head to the side in confusion and then pointed to a spot on the Earth. And lo, there, when he traced the line her finger made, he saw a human with fire, yes, fire, in his hands, and the very electronic device Qia himself invented all those eons ago.
“I am sorry, my son,” said the mother Kie. And those flames spread, as the wind blew, into Qia’s eyes, and soon it was all he could see. All his patient waiting, his cultivation of the human race, his own sprouts and jewels had shattered him, and claimed what was his. All of it came rushing out of him like a broken dam, like a shattered jewel exploding into a million fragments. He cursed his mother for exploiting him and taking his glory, for the humans for outdoing him. The clouds thundered, the sky darkened, and the earth shook as he threatened to ruin the minds of the humans to extinction. Then the powerful Kie, raising her hands to the sky and summoning her strength, at last banished Qia and removed his power. The gods could have sworn they saw a tear roll down her godly cheek.
Soon, a new god was replaced as the god of intelligence, and since then, it was said that the gods ruled Earth peacefully, and humanity would continue to prosper with their great intelligence. The devotees still believe Qia is out there somewhere, perhaps living a tranquil life as a human being, though still wearing a jewel on his finger.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
XD there is a running gag in my friend circle that I never write down names I hear correctly and I never pronounce names I see written correctly either! So I appreciate the pronunciations… but I will still just read everything with a German accent anyway!
I wonder why you would need a religious disclaimer? Surely in fiction you can write whatever you want?
I feel like this is redundant: “ who had borne a son whom she cherished deeply in her heart” since you already mentioned that he’s her son 2 sentences earlier. I actually thought there’s a second son bc of this phrasing.
Hmmm I feel it’s also strange that the first intelligent thing that this god does is think up means to harness electricity. Because… well, there are no means to use that, right? You cant just… make radio signals transmittable like this without so many surrounding things. Like something that could receive them. Other means of long-range communication… Or just, short range stuff. I can see why his mom thinks this is too complex but I actually would go a step further and call it unrealistic, even in this setting.
And already it feels like humans are doing fine on their own. At any step of the way this god could have come down with a different, intelligent invention to help speed the process along but didn’t :/ So it sounds to me like he’s a bit superfluous. [Yes I know, he does later, but it takes him way too long to figure this part out.]
And ofc I was right and realizing his own inadequacy, he lashes out. I wonder why he didnt take credit for the invention bc he subtly prodded humanity along. Sounds like a god thing to do.
Well. It’s certainly an interesting concept but I feel like this needs more polish. I felt very frustrated when reading this bc our MC god was so… narrow-minded.
Hello, My Friend!
Hi Ant, hope your day/night has been well! It’s me, Raven, and in accordance with your summoning, I’m here to review this great story with my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
To start, this is AWESOME! I love your idea of forging your own myth, with your own cast of gods! The role of the God of Intelligence here, and the wisdom expressed by his mother as they watch humanity grow, is simply incredible! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Great! Though notably short, it still tells a whole story, and it feels like things are kept a little vague or obscure, if only because there's so much surrounding these gods that a human simply couldn't fathom. The overall tone and pacing likewise match the way many myths are narrated, so that's neat!
Descriptions and Setting: As mentioned, details feel a bit hazy, but it does work with this specific genre and theme, so I can't complain! I do think you could get away with some basic, descriptive details of the gods Qia and Kie, maybe some mentions of a setting in the same way we understand Mount Olympus or the River Lethe, but as-is, it's just fine!
Characterization: It was amazing how you were able to capture the dynamic between Kie and Qia in such a short piece. You get a feel for their conflict, for Qia's desire to amplify human innovation, for Kie's fear of pushing humanity too far—it's so cool following either of their lines of thinking, and theorizing the results and ramifications.
Grammar and Wording: Overarchingly? Great! Incredibly well-written piece.
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
This is where I shove the tiny things, like typos and botched sentences, and there's not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
From a technical standpoint, I found nothing wrong with this sentence, to be clear! However, reading it in my head, it felt a little bit wordy and like it could have been tidied up just a bit. The biggest thing is, "had still not found yet" sounds like a double-negative which was a bit odd, so I think rewriting that as "not yet found" or even just dropping "yet" would help a lot. E.g, "From their thrones in the clouds, she pointed to the elements that the humans had not yet found, that lay scattered like uncharted stars throughout the Earth..."
Tiny thing here! Seems an extra "the" snuck in where it says "watched in awe as they surpassed." That's all!
But of course, that is purely my opinion! Please take only what you want from it, and consider the rest just the mad ramblings of an internet corvid <3
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Oh man, where do I even begin for this section? Okay, I don't have much theory material, but as far as highlights and reactions go, let's start with...
I love the introduction and the premise you set here, with Qia being young and naive in comparison to the other gods. Young deities in mythology aren't always known for their flawless judgment and great decision-making, so it already sets up an interesting foundation.
I LOVE how power, radio, and what feels like our general understanding of technology is chalked up to an invention of a god here. I mean, the purpose of soooo much mythology, and the gods therein, is to ascribe meaning to the natural elements and phenomena around us that we don't fully understand yet. So in the same way the Nords would tell tales of Thor to explain storms and lightning, or Skadi to explain the winter season, it's fascinating to think how a myth could be made to explain technology. And the fact that technology is so deeply embedded into our world now that it practically is just another worldly phenomena—that really gets you thinking...
Okay, so I don't know if it was intended to go that deep, but either way, I love the premise!
I love Kie's reasoning here. Not only do you put it so poetically, with that beautiful "minds as new as fresh ink" line, but it does make sense in its own right, and feels like the sort of wisdom that a ruling goddess would have.
Ah, and another classic in mythology! The arrogant god or deity who feels slighted and needs to validate his/her own power, even if it causes harm to other gods, or even humanity itself! Awesome.
I love the image that has been captured in this one portion. It feels like, through this god's actions, it's speaking to the nonstop drive and unending thirst humans have for knowledge, and the rapid advancement that came along with it. And how—more than just "improve" or "ruined"—all of that has just made our world more complex than anything, something even our own gods would look at, bewildered how to proceed.
Wow! The imagery here was amazing, and really kept me wondering about what the message, or the symbolism, behind it was saying. Even without knowing the deeper meaning though, what an amazing turning point in the story!!
Ah, LOVE the emotion here! Subtle, yet so powerful!
Ooo, what a mysterious way to end it all...Love it!
MadThoughts...Overall, that was amazing! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you so much for the review, Raven! I'll make sure to fix the things you talked about. Also, I am glad you liked it, thanks so much for reading!
You're very welcome! If you have another story you'd like reviewed sometime, just let me know!
<3