Young Writers Society

My new favorite poem

Lumichu, I love you! Even if I can't copy and paste your poetry lines for my line-by-line

Specifics

1. I want the comma in the first line to be a semi colon for that slightly longer, more dramatic pause. I also wonder if sands shouldn't be dunes because one it's prettier and two it flows better, though I kind of want it to be 'mist over dunes'.

2. I don't particularly like your first notation on the candy hearts. It really interrupts the flow of the poem and I find it overly wordy for the little extra information it conveys.

3. The second addition is etter but again I'm not sure it has a place in a poem which is so short and has lovely, tight language. As it comes at the end of a stanza it doesn't break the flow this time at least but I almost feel that could be a stanza in itself.

4. Just a thought, why do the candy hearts have no words? I've never seen blank ones before so maybe just a word to clarify like 'homemade'?

Overall

This is really pretty and in general I love the language used and there's a great mix of peace and the strain of someone who has lost a loved one but I think the foot-notes aren't justified for this length/ style of poem?

Other than that, I think your simplicity works well for you here and those few striking images like the raspberry sweetness really shine through.

All the best with this!

~Heather

Hey, here with a review. First, I really like the tittle as it really captured my attention. Then, I really liked the layout. It was different and made the piece come together. I liked this piece and enjoyed it. (Also, I would love to have a raspberry scented basket). The way you have described your surroundings is beautiful and I could imagine the scenery in my head. Overall, I liked it and keep writing!

~Rosy234

This is Nikayla here for a review!

It feels like I haven't reviewed your poetry in forever, let alone reviewed in forever, even though it's only been a couple of days. I found the first couple of images a little hard to imagine, especially since the idea of mist over the sand hasn't been done before, but I suppose it works. I'm a fan of the further explanation and definitions in the last two stanzas of the poem, but I wasn't sure what they were to make me feel. They felt robotic, almost, but I guess that's how definitions are.

At first I thought that they would relate more to the poem in that the speaker would give their own definition to it, but maybe not. I'm not saying that they're bad, though, I'm more saying that they confused me a little bit. The three lines with the actual mentioning of the candy hearts and laughing weren't all that great to me. You do have the speaker talking a bit with the 'god, you could make me laugh' which adds a bit more personality to the speaker, but I suggest reworking them? I saw them in the light that you only used those lines so that you got to do the last two stanzas or definitions at the bottom of the poem, without really using them all that well.

I wasn't a large fan of the poem, unfortunately. I'd like to be, but something about it stopped me from doing that. The ending, to me, didn't feel like much of an ending. I wanted something a bit stronger than what you have now, something sturdier that holds up. I'm going to go ahead and jump back to line four, because I think this is where I started disliking the three lines that follow it, and that's the wording.

Specifically, the wording and flow between lines four and five, which I didn't find to be all that strong and I'd like to see reworked. The footnotes are also something that I'd like to see you play around with in future drafts, if you decide to make them. I'm a fan of the idea of writing about candy hearts, but I wasn't too sure about the execution. I'm not saying I completely hated those lines, but for the most part, and this goes for the poem too, I was unsure what to feel. The first couple of lines that we drop into the poem with set up a nice image, and I do enjoy them, but I don't think this one worked for me in terms of connecting on an emotional level.

I hope I helped and have a great day! I may just be having a rusty morning, but who knows. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Hi Lums!
It's been a while since i reviewed you (or just in general), so hopefully I still know how to give some sort of of feedback.

I googled your title and apparently it's a thing in FFXIV I'm curious if that was a reference or just an accident.

So I read your first line and went "meh." It didn't grab me. It seems so very lukewarm in every respect to me. Yes, it sets this gentle tone, but I wonder if you could set the same tone in a different, more unique way.

"wafting raspberry sweetness of our picnic basket"
I wish I had a scented picnic basket! You are intending for the picnic basket itself to be the thing that the source of this sweetness, I hope!

"on the missouri river" I'm imagining this picnic basket floating down this enormous river. I know you probably mean that you're on the shore of the river, but I cannot get this "Basket for a boat" image out of my head!

I really like the image with the candy hearts. I'm assuming you're physically writing on them though, but, from what I know of candy hearts (they're tiny and chalky), that seems really difficult to do. Also there's a slight disconnect from the writing on candy hearts. I laugh. to the footnonte jokes said /aloud/ make me laugh. I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.

The first footnote is almost touching preachy to me. It's not, but it feels almost like the moral of a fable! I got a little tripped up on why the two people's handfuls would be different as well. I want to explore that image a little! Different how? Why?

I am getting two completely different signals from the words/jokes hurting. I read it first like, it hurt because you were laughing so hard, but then I read it again and thought, "wait no, actually they're hurting from... badness." are the jokes like, offensive or something? Or the tone of voice have a too-truthful edge to it or something? I feel like the addition of a single word placed correctly could probably clear this up.

I had no idea fairway could be used in relation to a river! The more you know *shooting star*
Rye-soaked is an interesting image. I wonder if you mean the trees are somehow soaked with the plant Rye or like, rye beer (that's a thing right?).

But you know, I feel like the end is about as luke-warm as the beginning. It's a bit stronger, but I just sort of feel like I ended the poem on a "meh" note.


Overall, I like the footnotes. I think they're cool and effective! I also think the tone is really nice, and the beginning and end add a lot to that! I just think they're... a little yawn-worthy.
However, maybe yawns are what you were going for to add to the tone, again, it does go well!

Well, I hope this is somewhat helpful. Keep writing, Lumineon!
~fort