Young Writers Society

Lums,

Utterly memorizing, that tug and pull of the mystery against the vulnerability. I love the image of this fallen trajectory as a sort of specimen for us to label, but more so I enjoy the bittersweetness and pain in letting someone go. It is a hard thing to do, and even harder to witness the fruits of that effort not work out. :c Sucks.

Your line "it hurts me too, you know" says so much, I am picking up a resentment from the comet-figure ("you") in those lines, on top of the pain of seeing loved ones fall/hurting/or failing. Also appreciate the sounds here, the know/go, bright/ice, the remain/name, it is short and bittersweet and strikes the note at the right time. The movement is subtle and lovely.

"tumble / and crash like common ice" does not move well though. I think of ice cubes when I think of common ice, and so I feel it strange to pair with tumble and crash. I mean, isn't it more like a clink? I think it is the comparison of "like" that bothers me, when the image itself alludes more to a transformation "into" common ice, and not so much like it. Tumble makes me envision tumbleweed and tumbling laundry in the dryer, it is this soft kind of clumsy falling that works well with the image of a person and doesn't work so well with the metaphor of the comet, especially because in the same line it is paired with the more serious/dramatic "crash" that is of vehicle collision, or awful weekend hangovers, either way, the juxtaposition between the two seems off in this context. Perhaps just "bright thing plummets or plummeting" may work? As a word that suggests both the fall and the crash. Take it as a grain of salt though, while it works in that light, it may also sound as though the speaker is less sympathetic to the comet-figure's plight. I guess it depends on what you are trying to shoot for.

The last line I don't think is needed either (empty words are empty).

I am happy to chat this up anytime ^_^ Enjoyable read if sad :c

~ as always, Audy

Hi there, Lums, I'm here to review you since you've broken me.

Let me first say that this is wonderful. I see that the first stanza is the one that you posted on your wall awhile back and I was hoping to see it again. I've also see that you've revised it a bit, or at least it seems that the last two lines changed. The first stanza is quite beautiful in the image that it gets across with the bloom of the burning eclipse which made me think of the sun as a flower in the sky being eclipsed--something that I'm sure not everyone envisioned but I knew what you actually met by it.

The phrasing of 'comet-clenched' really grabbed me deeper into the poem and it gave more of a personal feel to it since I don't think that everyone would say it in that way. The 'i let you go.' is powerful all by itself and conveys someone sort of falling through the sky or those movie scenes where someone slips off of a cliff and the other person is barely able to hold on.

The second stanza has more offbeat imagery than the rest of the poem to me, but that doesn't mean I dislike it. I thought it was weird how you used the phrase, 'common ice' and then a couple of other things scattered throughout it. Is there some ice that's rarer than other ice? It just threw me off a little bit. I like the imagery in the second stanza, but it doesn't make it for me as much as the first. The "and" at the start of the stanza is something else that I didn't really think needed to be there, but more-so in the third stanza, which I'm getting to now.

The third stanza is where I think the "and" on the first line can be taken off and it makes for a stronger flow. I like the imagery in this stanza with the shards and cold lips, but I'm not sure how I feel about the last line. I don't know exactly how these relate to the poem, and while I can see breath and gravity in the poem or at least the last stanza, but the 'dream' part didn't make too much sense to me. It was a little bit of an odd ending for this poem and I'd like to know why you chose it.

Sorry that I didn't get this out sooner, I fell asleep while reviewing it last night and I wanted to go ahead and finish it now. I hope I helped and have a great day!