Young Writers Society

YOU WRITE GOOD

also the last stanza's going to stick in my head for years.

Hey ty.

New style. Not sure what I think of it.

I think the opening line is what makes this poem so hard to get in. You start off without a focus and with two groundless metaphors that have taken me three-five reads to even begin to comprehend, and honestly considering I only start to feel any connection to the poem once I hit "i stand", I'd suggest some rearrangement. Line three of the same stanza feels similarly devoid of any true subject, which is odd in the sense by the point you have established a heavy amount of subject especially in stanza two.

And I hate pointing out how the images feel out of place without a subject, because they are beautiful images that give a sense of context to the poem, but it's like that's all they give. They're not woven into the work with the same tightness your images normally are, so in my head the pretty scenery and anything tied to the narrator don't gel very well. I imagine the sky but I don't imagine the narrator standing against it, or watching it. So they feel wasted, to me.

I like the fear of pride you have here. For me, pride from a situation where you only have a tentative relationship with 'okay' at best is such a... I want to say slimy thing, that the last two stanzas do something for me. You end up with a little subject-less feel again in stanza three line one, and I think I mentally add a subject or just something else to properly thread from one line to the next.

I guess in the end, I'm just torn on whether or not this poem is too closed to be accessible, or just open enough that we can get a foothold and climb up to see your vantage point (pardon the parallels). I find this relies on whether or not we have a subject, ironically— the times the poem appears the most closed are the most open to me, and the times where we have pure imagination are the times I'm left wondering why things exist the way they do.

Two cents.

You know where to find me.

~Rosey

And just like that, he's back. (I've missed the inquiry that seems barely held in by your poetry.)

I'm struggling lately to achieve the depth of thought I need to really get to the heart of this (we've talked; I'm sure you're unsurprised) but I would like to take a go at it, even if I will likely fail to say anything profound.

I agree that the first and second lines don't lead into each other as gracefully as they should; I'd agree with Rydia on the phrasing of that bit. There's also something lacking in your method of punctuation, though I am far from unbiased: I love the unconventional use of punctuation. (Think Jorie Graham, Never.) I think a little experimentation might help; of course, that could be fuzzy-brain talking.

It could be that it's eluding me, but I'm confused by the way you say you could be connected. That seems an odd sentiment. You've probably noticed that I have a preference for boldness; I know you're a little softer in your approach, so I'm going to leave this up to your penchant for (well-executed) ambiguity and assume I've missed some subtlety.

The reflective nature gets me. It's so, so very Ty to me; that's the inquisitive undercurrent I mentioned before. I feel like you've written this to address something beyond the question you pose. I get this terrible nagging feeling that you've some intent hidden here that eludes me, no matter how hard I look. It's dawning on me that that could be intentional; I can't say the number of times that I get that feeling. Whether it's just me or your meant it to be here, it's haunting, but not in a bad way.

I like the notion of being made to be brave; I do want to address the way you lead into it. I don't like the transition in the second stanza; the pebbles almost startled me. I didn't expect them to be there. I don't really understand why they are. It seems a strange mystery to me: what purpose do they serve? I'm not sure why that line stuck out to me. It felt...off, somehow. Again, I have no depth of thought, so it's not unlikely that I've missed something important.

The final question is interesting. I'm a little lost as to the way you led there: it's seamless but seems so out of place. (Not in a bad way; I can't think of a better way to put that thought.) Why would the subject fear your pride? (Is it stupid if I ask: lgbt+ pride? If so, that wasn't my first thought but seems a bit out of place. Not that I don't love pride, it just seems to come from nowhere within the context of the poem.)

I'm so so so deeply curious about some of the complexities here; I honestly can't tell if there's something I'm missing or if there are missing details. Either way though, this is lovely (if a little disjointed.)

I've missed your poetry. <3

So I'm tired which means tonight's review is a poem and oh, hello poem

1. Strong title - it tells us this is going to be about someone leaving their roots or returning to them or a journey of some kind and gives us that immediate sense of theme.

2. I think maybe the second line should start with 'the way i imagine' instead of how as when I'm reading it at the moment, the two lines are less connected, like the how is ambiguous as it could be used in the same way of 'oh I imagine the copper hunters who found Appalachia... which is how I'm currently reading it, and only when I get to stood on jagged ledges did I realise it was actually a follow on. If that makes sense?

3. I'm not sure about the rusted chain. I liked the sky imagery and I thought you worded that differently enough to avoid the cliche but every poem ever about being connected to people uses things like the horizon and chains so I think you struggle more to get away with the second cliche, though I do like 'carolina clay'. Does it have to be a chain? Maybe it could be a seam instead?

4. I'm not sure I quite understand 'red strings tied baby-finger wise' - it's the wise which really throws me but I'm just generally not sure what the red strings refer to either.

5. I've not got any criticism for the second or third stanzas - they have a lovely clarity and really get to the meat of the theme and bring it into focus. Perhaps your imagery is more simple there but I think I prefer it.

Overall

Lovely poem! And I owe you a less sleepy review some other time but hopefully you can get something useful out of my ramblings <3

Okay, per your request, I'm here. You're lucky that this is one of the few days where I'm going to be writing reviews early in the morning because I have stuff to do tonight that all but assures that I won't be reviewing anything then.

...well done! This is a solid poem on your part, and I'm impressed! Sure, given the quality of your poems, I honestly shouldn't be surprised anymore, but I am. Your images are always powerful and beautifully written, particularly during the first stanza, when you provide a clear and vivid setting and establish the core conflict of the piece in the form of the rusted chain and red strings tying you to this other individual. There's something about "copper hunters" and "head-tilt of autumn," in comparison to "waning blue" and "sky panorama" that provides a sharp contrast that contributes to the beauty of this piece all the more. Then, of course, the rusted chain and red strings streaming across the landscape, which helps draw me into the piece and your core themes even more. Your sense of repetition is also fantastic. Personally, I've always found it most difficult to convey such a repetition throughout a piece, even for the sake of tying it together or communicating a major point, without lessening the impact of that message. However, you got away with expressing it and preserving that said message by a relatively sparse usage and the incorporation of a variety of profound images in the process. So, I suppose my favorite of this is its usage of emotional appeals and imagery.

Beyond that, I'm not quite sure what to make of the second stanza. This gives the piece an almost longing, or perhaps sadder, mood than the previous stanza, and seems to emphasize the conflict of the work a little more than beforehand. Yet it lacks a lot of the imagery that made this first stanza so fantastic. While that which you include is powerful, and your sense of repetition continues to be exceptional, I'm not sure how much I like this second stanza in comparison to the first. On the other hand, it would be pointless to avoid the main theme of a poem by dancing over scores of images, however good they might be. Besides, you do incorporate lines such as "and pebbles flake from their horizon appeal," and "if being homeless and in hiking boots and drinking from rock springs," which I absolutely loved. Too, here is where the narrator starts to come to terms with themselves as an individual, and wishes to be an adrenaline junkie, brave and capable and making this other person proud. I'll also admit that the tie-in to the third stanza is beautiful, as are the final statements (which seem to tie back to that desire for earning bravery and standing up). In the end, you managed to create a brief, but amazing, scene within a couple of stanzas, and most of my complaints are nitpicking at this point, aren't they?

That's about all I have to say. Well done! I deeply enjoyed reading this from start to finish, and found this a well-written, nicely conveyed poem. I'm sorry if I wasn't much help, but school's in a few minutes, and I think I've summarized what I wanted to say. Thanks for this poem!

If I don't end up reviewing this after school, remind me or something.