Young Writers Society

Heya, Lumi, Goose here dropping by for a quick review. Let's take flight, shall we?

So the first thing that I noticed was how daunting it is to review your poetry, considering you've pretty much taught me everything I know about poetry, so yeah... I was really hesitant on reviewing your poetry, but I figured that I would make an attempt.

I agree with Kays and Mesh when they say the first stanza is a bit awkward to read. The first line starts off okay, but the second line is really choppy. I think maybe adding an,"a," before moon, and finding a synonym shorter for shielding would help it, possibly? And the repetition of the s sound here really doesn't help it, so i would try cutting back on thos if you can.

The next thing would be the second stanza, it just seems like it's lacking something that the other stanzas give. I guess this could be a given considering that it is a shorter stanza, but even still, it does seem like it is missing something . Anyway, onward.

The third stanza is overall the best stanza out of these, easily. Flow wise, however, it gets a bit choppy in the last line. I don't know if you are referring to yours and someone else's love, or just love in general, so that was a bit awkward of a read right there.

You wanted analysis on meaning. What I gather from this poem is sort of a lack of caring from a heart felt or even intimate partner of the past, and it seems like at the end you're basically just reassuring them that they'll find good love eventually. But that's what I get from it.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Goose.

Hi there Lumi. I thought I may as well give this a review because I'm apart of the Afterwatch and there's nothing in the Green Room at the moment so I thought my time might be wanted reviewing a poem about a phobia of water.

I've lost my style a little bit in reviewing? Especially poetry because I haven't been writing or posting all that much but I hope for that to change soon even though I don't know that I'm entirely comfortable doing so since I know for a fact that my poetry is lame beans right now but I'll whip something up in the SPIRIT OF REVMO eventually. That being said I'm proud of you for posting so many poems this month because I know you went through a dry spell and I can see that you're maybe breaking out of that with this...WATER? HAHA, PUNS.

I have to agree with Mesh on the fact that the first stanza is quite awkward to read. I can probably pin-point this to being the second line saying 'with moon roof shielding you from spears of rain' which I'd suggest changing to 'the moon roof shielding you from spears of rain' for a better flow. Furthermore, I'm also going to suggest playing around with that fourth line of yours though I see that as being a bit more flexible than the last instance of weak diction or wording. The third and fourth lines having the word 'it's' twice in a row probably doesn't help your case either. That doesn't mean I dislike this first stanza--quite the contrary actually and most of that is due to the imagery that I enjoyed.

The second stanza also holds a lot of strong imagery even though the third is a little lacking in that department. In the second stanza, the first line can be changed in the way that I can see the line being stronger without the 'may' after the word 'thunderbolts'. As for the overall meaning or theme of the poem I have to say that I'm not quite sure? I saw the part about perfect love but the themes attempting to be gotten across aren't clear. If that's an important part of the poem to you and you value that, I suggest adding in clarity.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hai, Lumi! If you want picking, then I can do picking! I'll bleed some into meaning, too, but there's a few spots that may need some tweaking.

Your first stanza I find awkward to read, and I'm trying to pin-point which pieces are causing it. It's partly the comma at the end of the first line, but it's also in the wording of the last line - I'm not sure what to do with "sweet and sound" - maybe it's a regional thing? I'm not really sure, but I definitely got hung up there, not entirely sure what you're attempting to convey (though I'll get to that a bit below).

I'm digging the imagery in your second stanza.

In your last, I like your first two lines; the last two threw me, because I was not expecting them at all. If that's your intention, then you've achieved it!

Some quick impressions: the storm imagery on a very literal level (which I like); less literally, the idea of a desolate safe harbor - sure, it's safe, but it's also perilous. I'm still not entirely sure what to do with your last two lines. Yes, they tie in to what I'm reading as the eye of the storm, but maybe it's the change from storm-prayer and powers outside human control to love - which can be transcendent, absolutely - with no transition or tie-in, at least that I'm reading into it.

Back to "sweet and sound" quickly - like, ok. The more times I read it, I think I understand where you're going? Like, the safely outside the radius of the storm? But I'm still not sold on your wording.

Side note: as a personal pick, I don't like the idea of perfect love, or that it's only in halves? It feels both trite and like you're taking an easy out with a description that I'm not positive it even needed? But, I think I'm also getting bogged down in how much the lines threw me.

Anyway! There, an attempt at interpretation, with some picking at that nebulous thing we call flow.

I'm just here to look at flow

you can drop the with in the second line

I'm pretty sure you've done the best you could with the third line. you could try

"Somewhere else is sweet and sound." That gets rid of the second "it".

you can find a way to lose the and in the last line. Personally it gives the line an air of finality, but flow wise you don't really need it.

good stuff man. I always like reading your stuff.

-poop guy

I really can't demean this beautiful work by reviewing it. Even if I would have read it with the intention of writing a review, I sure would have ran out of words. So I will just say that I am mesmerized.

Since you mentioned it, my go to number one tip for improving flow, or just improving any kind of writing in general, is to read it out loud. That way you can really hear with your ears how the words flow and fit into each other instead of letting your inner narration quickly mumble through them in your mind. When I read the poem aloud, it didn't have a bad flow, but it didn't quite roll off the tongue either. The word choice was quite common and the symbolism was layered and had a few double meanings that were hard to interpret. Even the first line is off-putting because the visual presented was difficult to imagine.

I personally read through it many times and after analyzing it again and again, here is what I think is going on, stanza by stanza.

"in the heaven-cracked shell of night,
with moon roof shielding you from spears of rain,
it's incredible to imagine
it's sweet and sound somewhere else."

the first line I'm still stuck on a bit, but I'm guessing it takes place at night and the only thing that can be seen in the sky is a bit of clouds and sky, like only a crack of heavens can be seen? And then the following 3 lines are much clearer, the subject (person or object, not clear on what it exactly is) that is being spoken about is taking cover from the elements under something and because the conditions surrounding them are not comfortable, it's difficult for them to easily imagine conditions being calm in other places.

"thunderbolts may roar through the road rail; know still
that your lonesome prayers to a no-mooned sky
echo someplace else."

this first line is giving a bit of context to the setting, the subject revealed to be in a train or something like that, since they could potentially hear or feel the movement of the conditions through the "road rail". The second line gives a callback to the word choice of the very first line, mentioning moon again and now stating there is no moon in the sky, now making the "moon roof" seem ironic since there is no moon to view or be shielded from currently. And the third line gives a bit of hope/positivity, saying that even though their message seems lonely and like its all for naught, in actuality it is going somewhere and means something to someone/thing.

"but here is where the road is highest, you know;
here is where the water cannot rise,
and here is where both halves of perfect love
are safe."

first and second lines are giving direct information to the subject of the poem, informing them of things and giving clarity also to the reader that the rain doesn't matter too much because it won't effect them as much as they anticipate. Then the third and fourth (final line) of this stanza talk about love, which to me seemed kinda random because nothing else in this poem mentioned or hinted at anything romantic, so if its not thrown in for sake of having romance because ~love is universal and everyone loves love~ then I think the love its referencing is one half belonging to the subject and one half belonging to the narrator. Since those are two separate beings and it says both halves, double implying there are two parts of this love. And since it says perfect love, to me, romantic love is rarely, if ever, perfect. So I would hope the love its referencing is just like maybe love of life or love of living or love of other people in general. But it's very difficult to discern since there was no solid feeling or mention of anything that had to do with love considering the first two stanzas were about common feelings more of sadness and loneliness and feeling not positive. Whereas love is usually a positive thing.


Overall, the writing style and flow was decent. The actual meaning was not clear and muddled under particular yet common word choice. My best guess at the meaning is that even when things are bad, you can get through it, the grass is greener once you reach the other side, once you reach that other side you'll magically be happy, woohoo...

Sidenote: I like the gif you have as your profile pic lol.

*cracks knuckles*

It's hard for me to run out of things to discuss in a review, but theme/interpretations are one of my favorite things to cover. In this case, I get an impression of isolation. The main couple, protected from the raging winds and storms, are in a safe position; from their point of view, the only one that might exist. Likely, the storms represent a hateful, confusing, and erratic world, which the two are quite happy to be free from (and, indeed, if the title is anything to go by, fear it). However, it appears to be only the two of them, as no one else is mentioned. "You" is discontent with this, based on the second stanza. Their lonesome prayers could be symbolic of an inherent issue between the two, brought about by isolation and constant interaction of their personalities, but the "perfect love" line tells me otherwise. I suspect it may be just that they are alone in safety, and that separation, combined with the apparent misery of everyone else, could be eating at "you". It's not as though the safe place is boring, especially not with a lover, but just that it is still the two of them, and that may not be satisfactory to "you". Hence, as sweet as it is in their eyes, and as much as the lover tries to console them, it is not perfect, and they don't like that. I can only look upon the poem as bittersweet in that light, though ultimately quiet, peaceful and mostly sweet.

Otherwise, I don't know if there's much else to say. I'm not sure I understand how there can be a moon roof (and may here be better called "the moon roof"), and yet a moonless sky; they seem contradictory, though I could envision them being protected by the relatively-invisible new moon. The flow is exceptional, as is the repetition of "here is" at the end. The way that you managed to incorporate "echo someplace else" so that it actually could be read as a distant, echo-like comment is appropriate, and my favorite part. I could talk about what I liked vs. disliked compared to the original draft, but that might just be padding, and I'd rather talk about what's been presented to me. Hence, having nothing else to say, I want to note that it's yet another wonderful poem of yours. Well done!