Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

from atlantic to pacific, the traffic is terrific

by Lumi

from atlantic to tornado alley,
we drove that old sports car top-down
in rain or shine (and praised the sun
for his alchemical golden glow.)

and we got lost! man, how we got lost--
not asking for directions, not caring
because on our way to fetch your clothes
before hitting the interstate west to be free,
we learned to stop at every panorama,
and at every steppe that took our breath in appalachia.

and we kissed, and we were brave, and we made dreams come true
one by one by one; until droves of stars began to unfurl all around us.
(and honestly, i think our ancestors were jealous
that they never thought of this.)

to be honest,
sleeping in that car with you,
reminded me to say my prayers again;
if only to say it again and again:
thank you, thank you, thank you.


Author's Notes

I am mostly looking for critiques on flow and execution of concepts. 

Grammar and syntax are unneeded. Thank you for reading!

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
91 Reviews

Points: 8097
Reviews: 91

Tue Apr 25, 2017 1:02 am
View Likes
Stormcloud wrote a review...

Hey, Lumi! Storm here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!

I'll try to critique on the things you're looking for, so here goes!

(and praised the sun
for his alchemical golden glow.)

I'm not sure I like the word alchemical. I feel like the word doesn't quite fit in with the rest of that stanza.

I feel like your third stanza is okay because every line is long, but when one line is out of place and it doesn't seem to have any special significance, it just puts a little hitch in the flow.

before hitting the interstate west to be free,

This line has too many syllables in it. It's too wordy compared to the other lines, choking up the flow in my opinion.

if only to say it again and again:

I loved everything about your last stanza, barring this line. It just doesn't seem to be worded quite right. What is it? I know that you reveal it after the colon, but it just doesn't seem to work. Maybe just take out 'it' I feel like even that will remedy the problem.

Overall, this was very impressive. I very much enjoyed it. I hope that my few criticisms are helpful, and I'm sorry this review is so short.

Spoiler! :
Why you gotta be so darn good at poetry, Lumi?

You know how to reach me if you have any questions or just want to talk!


User avatar
350 Reviews

Points: 25845
Reviews: 350

Fri Apr 21, 2017 3:09 pm
View Likes
LadyLizzLovelace wrote a review...

Morning lum dear. And happy national chocolate-covered cashews day. (yes I'm doing holidays and purple now, it's my new jam) Anyways, it's just lizz dropping by for a few minutes, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Normally I wouldn't approach your poetry till it sat in the green room stewing for a bit and the poetry people picked it through. But I felt like poetry this morning and you were so kind to include an A/N section.

So have you heard about those Buccaneers and the flow of that new poem?
-Granted even if you hadn't of mentioned it, this is where I would have started because frankly scarlett, I don't give a darn about what people capitalize and don't. Overall, the flow never really sticks or catches in any spot, there are of course exceptions to every 'overall' but I'll get to it. The endings are pretty consistent in the manner of not leaving the reader hanging too much. I would have marked off points for this because that's one of my few many pet peeves for poetry. The ideas meld together pretty well but guess that should really happen in the next section.
-The one part where it did seem to drag was the tabbed over 'thank yous', just because they're the last thing the reader sees before hitting the end. At least they stuck with me for that reason. Like on one hand, it's necessary to satisfy the looping of all of the information but the alternation seems to mess up the flow a bit. The one other spot of repetition messed it up in my head but not with the same effect as this.
Don't know if this was relevant to your editing or if anyone else will point it out, just thought I should mention it.

Hold on jailor, come on executioner, we're gonna execute some concepts.
-I assume by this wording, that you're trying to get some opinions on how the whole thing comes together and are all the different stories sort of clear. (well not exactly sure of that but that's what I'm doing)
-I mean like any story, it took a bit for all of the different pieces to fall together but the last stanza does tie it up rather quickly and efficiently. Give yourself a pat on the back for that cause I don't think I've seen someone land their airplane point that quickly, this month, in poems and irl. I do like the the little notes here and there, giving that little bit of explanation that are more like thoughts of the speaker than anything else. I always like to try and see if the two parts of a work can be separated and still make sense.
(do they? in this case they do?)
-The bits of humor-like lines here and there are pretty attractive to me because you know me, I don't really like to read sad stuff. My life is crap enough that I prefer to read happier tones in stories. Overall the thing has a lighter air to it, the speaker sounds happy to be remembering this certain point in their life and, and, that's all I've got.

Why am I even here?
-So most of the time when I click on your poem, I'm not paying much attention to anything but the titles, which always seem to be fun. I swear I'm sorry for laughing but most of the reason I came here was because of the title. That's one of my favorite seasonal songs and I wanted to see how it would be applied. (I srsly hoped it wouldn't be about christmas and really, really, really hoped that it would be about travel.) And so I thought I should mention this because most people don't make poetry titles too attractive to me. They're either too straightforward or really out there with figurative language and symbolism. As appreciation, I'm leaving you with this picture.


Alright I'm gonna head out now because the weather is nice and I'm working outside and happy to be studying for EOCs.
Have a nice day.

Lumi says...

Liz, you are a GODDESS. Good LORD. <333

I'll deffo try to work on the stresses and holds on the ends (and at least experiment for some out-loud readin') and I'm so glad you enjoyed it, all the way down to the title. I also hate that as a Christmas song, but it always makes me think about travel, to which I. Am. Addicted.

All my poetry loff. <3

i calculated how many mile i've traveled in my life this morning
350,000 miles
the math alone nearly killed me
but another heart for ya in return for all of those

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde