Young Writers Society

i swear to god, i forgot even reviewed this until it came back up in my feed and i thought someone had written some sort of christmas crap.

hey love.
it's been awhile.

stanza one is really strong, but idk if you really need the 'and praised the sun...' line. it kind of detracts from your flow? it might be a wording issue, but i've gone through a couple of different scenerios in my head and none of them really help.

stanza two is kind of a little pointless, in my opinon? it's very telly, which is kind of the style of this poem but it goes into the over-telly region that i really don't want your poem to go into. it's also a little bit cliche, and over all i know there's definitely a better way this could be said?

and we got lost! man, how we got lost-- this line, i like this one
not asking for directions, not caring
because on our way to fetch your clothes this line is good, and i kind of want a little bit of a riff on it?
before hitting the interstate west to be free,
we learned to stop at every panorama,
and at every steppe that took our breath in appalachia.

Hey, Lumi! Storm here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!

I'll try to critique on the things you're looking for, so here goes!

(and praised the sun
for his alchemical golden glow.)

before hitting the interstate west to be free,

if only to say it again and again:

Morning lum dear. And happy national chocolate-covered cashews day. (yes I'm doing holidays and purple now, it's my new jam) Anyways, it's just lizz dropping by for a few minutes, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Normally I wouldn't approach your poetry till it sat in the green room stewing for a bit and the poetry people picked it through. But I felt like poetry this morning and you were so kind to include an A/N section.

So have you heard about those Buccaneers and the flow of that new poem?
-Granted even if you hadn't of mentioned it, this is where I would have started because frankly scarlett, I don't give a darn about what people capitalize and don't. Overall, the flow never really sticks or catches in any spot, there are of course exceptions to every 'overall' but I'll get to it. The endings are pretty consistent in the manner of not leaving the reader hanging too much. I would have marked off points for this because that's one of my few many pet peeves for poetry. The ideas meld together pretty well but guess that should really happen in the next section.
-The one part where it did seem to drag was the tabbed over 'thank yous', just because they're the last thing the reader sees before hitting the end. At least they stuck with me for that reason. Like on one hand, it's necessary to satisfy the looping of all of the information but the alternation seems to mess up the flow a bit. The one other spot of repetition messed it up in my head but not with the same effect as this.
Don't know if this was relevant to your editing or if anyone else will point it out, just thought I should mention it.

Hold on jailor, come on executioner, we're gonna execute some concepts.
-I assume by this wording, that you're trying to get some opinions on how the whole thing comes together and are all the different stories sort of clear. (well not exactly sure of that but that's what I'm doing)
-I mean like any story, it took a bit for all of the different pieces to fall together but the last stanza does tie it up rather quickly and efficiently. Give yourself a pat on the back for that cause I don't think I've seen someone land their airplane point that quickly, this month, in poems and irl. I do like the the little notes here and there, giving that little bit of explanation that are more like thoughts of the speaker than anything else. I always like to try and see if the two parts of a work can be separated and still make sense.
(do they? in this case they do?)
-The bits of humor-like lines here and there are pretty attractive to me because you know me, I don't really like to read sad stuff. My life is crap enough that I prefer to read happier tones in stories. Overall the thing has a lighter air to it, the speaker sounds happy to be remembering this certain point in their life and, and, that's all I've got.

Why am I even here?
-So most of the time when I click on your poem, I'm not paying much attention to anything but the titles, which always seem to be fun. I swear I'm sorry for laughing but most of the reason I came here was because of the title. That's one of my favorite seasonal songs and I wanted to see how it would be applied. (I srsly hoped it wouldn't be about christmas and really, really, really hoped that it would be about travel.) And so I thought I should mention this because most people don't make poetry titles too attractive to me. They're either too straightforward or really out there with figurative language and symbolism. As appreciation, I'm leaving you with this picture.