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from atlantic to pacific, the traffic is terrific

by Lumi


from atlantic to tornado alley,
we drove that old sports car top-down
in rain or shine (and praised the sun
for his alchemical golden glow.)

and we got lost! man, how we got lost--
not asking for directions, not caring
because on our way to fetch your clothes
before hitting the interstate west to be free,
we learned to stop at every panorama,
and at every steppe that took our breath in appalachia.

and we kissed, and we were brave, and we made dreams come true
one by one by one; until droves of stars began to unfurl all around us.
(and honestly, i think our ancestors were jealous
that they never thought of this.)

to be honest,
sleeping in that car with you,
shoulder-to-shoulder,
reminded me to say my prayers again;
if only to say it again and again:
thank you, thank you, thank you.


_________________________________________________________________________

Author's Notes

I am mostly looking for critiques on flow and execution of concepts. 

Grammar and syntax are unneeded. Thank you for reading!


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328 Reviews


Points: 99
Reviews: 328

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Wed May 17, 2017 1:38 am
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LadySpark wrote a review...



hey love.
it's been awhile.

stanza one is really strong, but idk if you really need the 'and praised the sun...' line. it kind of detracts from your flow? it might be a wording issue, but i've gone through a couple of different scenerios in my head and none of them really help.

stanza two is kind of a little pointless, in my opinon? it's very telly, which is kind of the style of this poem but it goes into the over-telly region that i really don't want your poem to go into. it's also a little bit cliche, and over all i know there's definitely a better way this could be said?

and we got lost! man, how we got lost-- this line, i like this one
not asking for directions, not caring
because on our way to fetch your clothes this line is good, and i kind of want a little bit of a riff on it?
before hitting the interstate west to be free,
we learned to stop at every panorama,
and at every steppe that took our breath in appalachia.


The last part is the part I really have trouble with. Especially the 'took our breath in appalachia' part. as much as i love and remember the feeling of places in appalachia taken my breath away, it's just such a cliche, rudimentary line that could be SO beautiful.

stanza three is by far my favorite stanzas. it goes back to this super innocent voice i love to hear, and would love to hear MORE of. you're still kinnnddaa getting lost in the telly voice that i don't see from you very often, but i don't mind it that much.

stanza four, while stanza three is my favorite, is the strongest out of all of them. it's also very reminiscent of the original version of this poem from your napo, which i adored. that innocent voice i was talking about really shines through and i just want to keep pulling that out of you and have you focus on that.

if i had one thing to say about this poem, it's that it's good. i love it. it has such a solid foundation and really strong presence. but i know there's more. flipping back to the original, i like the direction you've taken your poem in this draft, but i wish it wasn't so telly. you really lose the whimsical and nostalgic touch you've got going on, which i'm really digging. think about that.

i love you. i love this.
<3
sizzle




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Tue Apr 25, 2017 1:02 am
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Stormcloud wrote a review...



Hey, Lumi! Storm here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!

I'll try to critique on the things you're looking for, so here goes!

(and praised the sun
for his alchemical golden glow.)

I'm not sure I like the word alchemical. I feel like the word doesn't quite fit in with the rest of that stanza.

I feel like your third stanza is okay because every line is long, but when one line is out of place and it doesn't seem to have any special significance, it just puts a little hitch in the flow.

before hitting the interstate west to be free,

This line has too many syllables in it. It's too wordy compared to the other lines, choking up the flow in my opinion.

if only to say it again and again:

I loved everything about your last stanza, barring this line. It just doesn't seem to be worded quite right. What is it? I know that you reveal it after the colon, but it just doesn't seem to work. Maybe just take out 'it' I feel like even that will remedy the problem.

Overall, this was very impressive. I very much enjoyed it. I hope that my few criticisms are helpful, and I'm sorry this review is so short.

Spoiler! :
Why you gotta be so darn good at poetry, Lumi?


You know how to reach me if you have any questions or just want to talk!

~Storm




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Fri Apr 21, 2017 3:09 pm
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LadyLizzLovelace wrote a review...



Morning lum dear. And happy national chocolate-covered cashews day. (yes I'm doing holidays and purple now, it's my new jam) Anyways, it's just lizz dropping by for a few minutes, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Normally I wouldn't approach your poetry till it sat in the green room stewing for a bit and the poetry people picked it through. But I felt like poetry this morning and you were so kind to include an A/N section.

So have you heard about those Buccaneers and the flow of that new poem?
-Granted even if you hadn't of mentioned it, this is where I would have started because frankly scarlett, I don't give a darn about what people capitalize and don't. Overall, the flow never really sticks or catches in any spot, there are of course exceptions to every 'overall' but I'll get to it. The endings are pretty consistent in the manner of not leaving the reader hanging too much. I would have marked off points for this because that's one of my few many pet peeves for poetry. The ideas meld together pretty well but guess that should really happen in the next section.
-The one part where it did seem to drag was the tabbed over 'thank yous', just because they're the last thing the reader sees before hitting the end. At least they stuck with me for that reason. Like on one hand, it's necessary to satisfy the looping of all of the information but the alternation seems to mess up the flow a bit. The one other spot of repetition messed it up in my head but not with the same effect as this.
Don't know if this was relevant to your editing or if anyone else will point it out, just thought I should mention it.

Hold on jailor, come on executioner, we're gonna execute some concepts.
-I assume by this wording, that you're trying to get some opinions on how the whole thing comes together and are all the different stories sort of clear. (well not exactly sure of that but that's what I'm doing)
-I mean like any story, it took a bit for all of the different pieces to fall together but the last stanza does tie it up rather quickly and efficiently. Give yourself a pat on the back for that cause I don't think I've seen someone land their airplane point that quickly, this month, in poems and irl. I do like the the little notes here and there, giving that little bit of explanation that are more like thoughts of the speaker than anything else. I always like to try and see if the two parts of a work can be separated and still make sense.
(do they? in this case they do?)
-The bits of humor-like lines here and there are pretty attractive to me because you know me, I don't really like to read sad stuff. My life is crap enough that I prefer to read happier tones in stories. Overall the thing has a lighter air to it, the speaker sounds happy to be remembering this certain point in their life and, and, that's all I've got.

Why am I even here?
-So most of the time when I click on your poem, I'm not paying much attention to anything but the titles, which always seem to be fun. I swear I'm sorry for laughing but most of the reason I came here was because of the title. That's one of my favorite seasonal songs and I wanted to see how it would be applied. (I srsly hoped it wouldn't be about christmas and really, really, really hoped that it would be about travel.) And so I thought I should mention this because most people don't make poetry titles too attractive to me. They're either too straightforward or really out there with figurative language and symbolism. As appreciation, I'm leaving you with this picture.

Image
Image


Alright I'm gonna head out now because the weather is nice and I'm working outside and happy to be studying for EOCs.
Have a nice day.
Love,
Lizz




Lumi says...


Liz, you are a GODDESS. Good LORD. <333

I'll deffo try to work on the stresses and holds on the ends (and at least experiment for some out-loud readin') and I'm so glad you enjoyed it, all the way down to the title. I also hate that as a Christmas song, but it always makes me think about travel, to which I. Am. Addicted.

All my poetry loff. <3





i calculated how many mile i've traveled in my life this morning
350,000 miles
the math alone nearly killed me
but another heart for ya in return for all of those
<3




We always talk about the "doers" and "dreamers" but I'd like to give a big shoutout to the "tryers".
— Hannah Hart