Young Writers Society

Hey there, Lumi!

So I saw this only had one review and decided to take a gander and see how poetry translates to prose

Though I wish I could say that my love story began by romancing the girl with sweet words: (e.g. If only eternity were a grape seed, I would labor away in vast, sweltering orchards for the centuries through which to hold you, my dear.) because to my understanding of classical literature, that is how romantics speak, and it is both inconsistent and uncomfortable to me. But no, that is not how my love story begins, and quite appropriately, it begins beneath a '92 Jeep Cherokee, having oil dripped onto my face as I had fallen soundly asleep under the warmth of the engine.

First things first: I wasn't a fan of your first paragraph, in particular the first line - a part of this is because I always assumed grapes grew in vineyards, nor orchards, but also as an opening it just didn't grab me. The first line was too long, the parentheses were distracting (I tend to avoid line edits, but first lines are important).

Something that always makes me wonder, what makes the author start right there at that point? Like, why start at the point where a character is looking out the window right before the important conversation starts - why not start with the conversation itself? But okay sure, setting a tone is good - my main issue is that you've lampshaded the fact that you've started before the story starts, unless something about the Jeep itself is about to become incredibly important.

After that, the tangent was a little random but we'll roll with it. Just mind your tenses - a few times during the piece, I wasn't sure where you were talking from or when that particular thought/line is meant to be taking place, there's a bit too much switching of past/perfect/present for my liking, but I assume you'll smooth this out in subsequent drafts.

The dialogue at the end seemed choppy, and a bit unnatural - it took me a long time to work out what "my reach" was and honestly the whole thing was a little bit cryptic. Dialogue is a chance for exposition - even a little bit at a time, doesn't need to be the whole thing. (Also, I got distracted thinking about how they were drinking a Corona while lying down, just me?)

Overall, the other piece of advice I would give, which is somewhat hypocritical: watch your sentence length. Your readers cannot follow your sentences as well as you can, because they don't know how they end. There were several instances where I had to go back and read things a few times, and in the end, that's an exercise that detracts from the meaning of the sentence in the first place. So just try not to make things too confusing in that regard.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need

Hey, I'm here to review.

Though I wish I could say that my love story began by romancing the girl with sweet words: (e.g. If only eternity were a grape seed, I would labor away in vast, sweltering orchards for the centuries through which to hold you, my dear.) because to my understanding of classical literature, that is how romantics speak, and it is both inconsistent and uncomfortable to me. But no, that is not how my love story begins, and quite appropriately, it begins beneath a '92 Jeep Cherokee, having oil dripped onto my face as I had fallen soundly asleep under the warmth of the engine.

I guess this indicates the story is not going to be filled with cheesy dialogues and that there is no such fantastical concept like eternity in romance. I like how it takes a realistic angle in telling a romantic story, because that kind of romance lasts. I imagine it being something that is always relatable to the readers. Like this introduction paragraph, needless to say. Humorous, too.

His slogan--and get this--”Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” I always thought it was really clever, honestly.

Yes, I think so too, it's an effective way to impress someone.

And, hand on the bible, Ron’s auto shop has a smiling, curvy, neon green dick on the highway sign.

Excuse me? *raises eyebrow* I made a quick search on Google to find out if there is another meaning for dick, and found none. I guess this is why there's a disclaimer! I also guess it's not actually a penis that's shown on the sign, but rather something that's akin to that...

I talked to them sometimes, sure, but who didn’t?

This question portrays Davey's character well.

I read this story and don't have the urge to point out parts that can be improved. I guess I'm in a total reading mode. I like how David (I'm guessing this is Davey's real name, and Davey's just something Ron calls him) meets Aaron, and how you portray Aaron's character as well as his and David's friendship.

Of course, there has to be conflicts, and Aaron just has to go away from David for some reason, which is in this case is to study his education. At least that's what I got from their dialogues. It's not a bad conflict, but it's common, so I'm hoping some unexpected things that'd happen afterwards to make it refreshing.

Speaking about education - David punches the husband of his English teacher? o.o That speaks a lot more about his character.

I also get a clear picture of the setting, characterized by your likeable writing style. It's in Georgia, presumably a rough place, and this is shown by some of the rough characters - Ron and David themselves - and I wonder what kind of romantic story this is going to be, and who's going to be David's love interest. I hope to learn more about other characters and their stories, too.

And that is all! Apologize if the review isn't helpful. Keep up the good job!