Love isn't real,
can't be here to stay.
I'm not ready for it to steal
my heart and soul away.
Still so young,
yet you come running to me.
So ready to throw yourself,
down on one knee.
For now I shake my head,
and pull you up to stand.
Enough has been said,
now come, take my hand.
Let me show you my world,
so you can become acquainted.
Here's my blank page,
now you can help me paint it.
Pick up a brush
and hold it in your hand.
Tickle me with strokes,
and I'll help you understand.
I want to live my life,
away from ever lie.
Pick me up and take me away,
with you, I will fly.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I can't help but feel as if you need to work more on the emphasis of the syllables.
take note:
ma ry had a lit tle lamb (7)
it's fleece was white as snow (6)
ev ery where that ma ry went (7)
the lamb was sure to go (6)
where you have:
"Love is n't real," (4)
"ca n't be here to stay." (6)
"I'm not read y for it to steal" (8)
"my heart and soul a way." (6)
so simplifying the third line or introducing another syllable on the first line you create a smoother impact;
This Love is not real
can't be here to stay
Just so it can steal
my heart and soul away
If you keep a certain rhythum going through the poem it becomes noticable and stuck in your head, But it is still a lovely poem x
I really liked this poem, the first stanza was choppy which have problems with myself, I liked how it was a story but at the same time itr was some what like a memior, that was beautiful to me, I liked how you kept on one subject but the reason you said love isn't real was never fully answered to me, maybe a little more detail but over all beautiful!
Thank you for all your reveiws!! And I just want to say that I use the topic of love and marriage because I find that I'm drawn to it, and it's easy for me to write about. This is natural, it comes from my heart, and it ends up better than poems I have tried to write on other topics.
I'll be posting another poem very soon about the Titanic. It's long though, so I'll try to cut some uneeded stuff out of it. Thanks again!
~Lukan
i like it a lot. i agree completely with waiting until you're older to get married, to live your life to the fullest before settling down. my favorite lines are probably
"here's my blank page
now you can help me paint it"
i love the first four lines also, especially
"i'm not ready for it to steal
my heart and soul away"
that's so true.
and i also like
"for now i shake my head
and pull you up to stand"
i only have one question. i'm a little confused with
"i want to live my life
away from ever lie"
was it supposed to be every or ever?
and i don't think that this is an overused topic like some people have been saying, most people just write love poems and they write how they want to get married and are like so obsessed with their boyfriend/girlfriend. it's good that it actually considers the future completely, because marriage is a whole lot bigger deal than people think, if you know what i mean.
very ok. You started out with a tired old theme, then you changed it to something slightly less tired. Overall, I liked your wording, but you need to pick a topic that hasn't been used to death.
loved it. breathtaking
this poem was lovely!
but it got a little confusing. was she refusing to his proposal? 'cause he was from a different place? did she want him to first get used to her place?
Hey there!
I feel like you need some more syllables in this stanza. In my opinion, the first two lines need extra syllables. Especially the first. But it's up to you, I just think it would sound better.
Again, some more syllables. This time in the first and last lines. When you are just one syllable off, the whole rhythm of the stanza feels wrong and jerky.
For now I shake my head,
and pull you up to stand.
Enough has been said,
now come, take my hand.
This is ok, but I would change the last two lines to.
"I think enough's been said,
Now come and take my hand."
This is my favourite rhyme of the poem. The rest is pretty basic, but I quite like this stanza.
Not too much wrong with this, I like the imagery and the rhythm's fine. However, the second line is unnessecary, you don't need to say it, so it is just there to serve as a rhyme. That's a problem because then it sounds a little forced.
I don't like this too much as an ending, the second line doesn't make that much sense to me. The third line is a little long and the last line is forced because of your rhyme.
Overall
Your message seemed to change slightly throughout the poem, you didn't want to love etc. But by the end you wanted this guy to pick you up and take you away with him, surely that's love?
However, I do like this. It seems quite heartfelt and real, it just needs some adjustments.
I would consider either spending more time trying to find rhymes that fit, or discarding a rhyme scheme altogether and going free-style.
But this could honestly be a very good poem.
Good luck with this, hope I helped somewhat.
~Amy
The sentiment behind this is heartfelt, and the message is evocative, but I feel like it's inhibited by the rhyme scheme. You force yourself into corners and cliches by demanding that the lines rhyme: "I'm not ready for you to steal/ My heart and soul away," for instance, or "with you, I will fly." That second one is particularly jarring because you had to turn the sentence on its head to get it to rhyme.
I think if you converted this to free verse, or at least rethought some of the rhymes, you'd find yourself free to bring in some more original imagery and metaphor. At the moment this poem feels more like a popular song to me, because of the conventional rhyme scheme and the tendency toward cliches. That's fine for song lyrics, but if you want to give it a more poetic feel, I do think you need to address those two things.
I hope this helps. Keep writing!
~Stripes
I like it, is she saying no to his proposal though?
i dont know why but usually i think of 'shaking your head' as no. I guess that not right though... am i alone on this? haha
No but its beautiful! you have talent, and i think it is poetry. The saying in your peom are cliche, but they all fit together into something not. Do you get what im saying? Anyways, i liked it. Keep writing!
~Skip