Published February 23, 2007
This is the first poem i've written in..well...ever.
I'm not sure about some of the words and it probably needs some work but I just wanted some feedback. Im also unsure if it needs 3 stanzas or if 2 would work. So here it is, all constuctive criticism welcome.
Embers
Flicker.
Alluring, ethereal glow.
Illuminating, enticing.
Affixing everything with a sliver of it's own smooth beauty.
Perfection.
That was what he wanted me to see.
Flame.
Desultory, solemn effervescence.
Foreboding, unpredictable.
Draining originality and independence from every thought and idea.
Deception.
The only person fooled was me.
Fire.
Harsh, searing fury.
Burning, mocking.
Gorging on hope and confidence with unrelenting hunger.
Desecration.
Embers were all he left of me.
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140,592 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
This was good, great if it was your first poem. I liked the way you shied away from cliches without making it too obvious that that was what you were doing. The style was also more original and fit well with the words, though I did find the three plot lines distracted my attention from the other stanzas. You know how in one of those books that switches back and forth between characters, you often pick a favorite, and then for the rest of the book you have to work to keep yourself from flipping to the bits with that character in it? That's kind of how I felt with regard to this. Still, it was a very nice poem, and a wonderful first attempt. Keep it up!
Wow- I'm amazed if that really is your first poem. You've used excellent and unusual description- I like it a lot. Keep it coming.
Very, very nice. I love the last line. Many kudos to you!
Very impressive for a first poem! I really enjoyed this; it flowed very smoothly and the fire metaphor was cool. Ooh, and your vocabulary is awesome.^_^ However, this bit confused me:
[i]solemn effervescence.[/i]
According to my dictionary, "effervescent" means "gay, lively, or sparkling" so isn't "solemn effervescence" an oxymoron? Aren't you basically saying "somber cheerfulness?" Maybe that was intentional and I'm just too dense to appreciate it, but I just thought I'd point it out.
Keep writing!
thanks guys!
and thanks armadian for pointing out those little spelling mistakes. I guess i didn't read over it properly...
critiques much appreciated
I liked your poem. Especially with your words. You left a certain impulse after it. It made me feel your emotion.
Lets see, you forgot an e in relenting. and the only word you spelt wrong was desecration. Other then that, I like it how you have it.
Keep up the good writing!
oooo 0_0 fire!
i really like this poem, espesially the lines in between.
this one is my favorite:
Keep it up!
~Tina