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I. A Tea Party in Space

by Luckex

sugarcubes of asteroids
dissolving in the antimatter
like cotton candy at the fair
stirring counter-clockwise

teacup handles of crescent moons
paper-thin and delicate
like the fragile wings of swallowtails
whispering to the windstorm

ruffled collars and black lace
midnight ribbons and white gloves
striped stockings and pocket watches
bowties and silver violins

flowered pots of endless tea
a distance incomprehensible and infinite
like the depths of the universe
hiding from the mathematicians

sapphired rings of jupiter
precious jewels encased in gold
like a genius in his schizophrenia
glittering brilliantly against the darkness

welcome strangers and old friends
smalltalk and philosophies
raspberry tarts and spinning planets
a tea party in space

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117 Reviews

Points: 7415
Reviews: 117

Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:42 pm
Sapi wrote a review...

Great! I really like the new and interesting point of view you have here- a really cool and imaginative idea.

So, there wasn't much wrong here that I could find, but here's a couple pointers:
I would suggest putting a few capitals in or maybe some punctuation marks. It doesn't have to be a lot, just a couple here and there. The reason is that without anything it all the poem ends up looking like a laundry list or something instead of a piece of writing.
Also, this section-
"like the wings of a black swallowtail
whispering to the wind"
doesn't seem to fit very well with the rhythm of other stanzas, so I would change that up just a bit so it flows more smoothly. I like the description, though.
"like common sense in modern times"
What on earth?

Otherwise, I really liked this poem. You had incredible word choice all throughout the poem, and moreover, you spelled them all correctly!
Great job and I hope to see some more.

Luckex says...

Thanks so much for the review! I'm very glad you enjoyed it.

I feel that capitalization and punctuation are more an issue of style and personal preference than anything, which is why I don't think I'll be changing it, but I'll definitely take that into consideration for future works! I greatly appreciate the alternative perspective on such subjects. I changed up the lines a bit, so they should contribute to the rhythm and make more sense now. Again, thanks for the review.

Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb