Published February 22, 2010
"I've got a good one for 'ya," Master pulled me off the floor by my collar and held me against the side of his body. " Fourteen, shaved, and hella cute." I bit down on my bottom lip and stared at the ground. Dont think about it, I warned myself. Just dont think about it. Someone stroked my hair and I shuddered.
" She seems a bit shy," a rugged voice answered," that might be a problem." Master yanked my collar again and a pained yelp filled the musty air. My teeth took hold of my tounge in an attempt to surpress the cry. Yelling only got one whipped these days.
" She's not shy at all! Are you Rivana?" I shook my head no dramatically. Strands of long light brown hair caught on my heavily glossed lips in the process. Crossing my legs I stared at the end of the shorts I was forced on. Daisy Dukes of course. The ends were frayed and torn with strand of loose fabric hanging limply against the honey brown color of my legs. A man grunted and the sound of paper ruffling seized my hearing.
" I'll take her. How much?" At these unforgiving words I whimpered a bit, despite my efforts to keep my mouth shut. Why did'nt he auction Riley this time? She was prettier than me! I don't want to go. I don't wanna go.
" 100 for every ten minutes," Master's voice was full of greed. The man laughed and grabbed my chin.
" She's cheap," he bellowed as he forced me to look into his eyes. He had to be at least twentyeight, with small eyes and short blond hair. His lips were parted to reveal yellow, dirty, crooked teeth. I adverted my eyes to look past him at the wall.
" She is my youngest item so there's a discount." Master let go of my collar but my moment of freedom lasted only a quick two seconds before the other man grabbed the leash. I was forced to look at him again.
" She'll be fun?" Water filled my eyes and I quickly tried to blink them away. If I smeared my eyeliner before leaving I would be in trouble.
" She has no choice." With that my master for 100 dollars every ten minutes yanked me away.
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Hope you enjoyed! Comment please.
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Loveless, Im so happy that I get to remark on your work after that nice comment you shot at me awhile back.
I really liked the feel of the story. From the first time you said "master" i had the true impression that you were being enslaved against your will. It truly brought the thing to life and I can say I loved all of it. I mean "love" out of context of this story, of course!
Hahahahahahaha! Lena! Oh wow! You're so sick and wrong. You know I didn't mean it in that sense. So immature and perverted. Are you sure you're older than me?
Anyway, yes of course there's going to be a sex scene. Just not a detailed sex scene. I don't want to scar my readers. Well, thanks for the advice anyway.
Big kiss, reply dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)
Hey, I honestly didn't read this whole thing, I had to stop after this part:
I started laughing and couldn't read anymore. So I'd change that, for immature people such as myself.
Actually I just realized how short this is and decided to read the whole thing. Anywho, this is pretty good at the moment. But are you planning on going into an actual sex scene with Rivana and the man? If so, make sure you actually know what your talking about... Amateur sex scenes are hilarious when the writer is writing about stuff they don't know about, if you get my drift.
Hope that was of some use to you,
Cheers,
Lena
ohemgee awesome story. i love it....its soo effin interesting. there should be a part two lol. anyways since u r my best friend and all i just want to say that u should be a romantic writer when u older okays?
keep writing!
Well, first off, great job on the story. I liked the detail you put into the story. Even though I wish what happened in this story doesn't happen in real life, I liked it. You described what was happening well along with the guys ugly face. Besides that, it was really good.
Can't wait to read more of your writing!
~Izumi
Hey LoVeLeSs! Gsp here as requested.
Wow. Just wow. This is unlike anything that I've read on this site before. I agree with youreit though, I'd give it a 16+ rating, and explain more of her background.
One or two things I saw though.
Apostrophes are very useful.
I don't think you should put spaces between the quotation mark and the first letter. I noticed that a few more times, but I don't feel like pointing them all out. I'm sure you can find them yourself.
Again with the space, but I saw a couple other things. "I shook my head no dramtically" doesn't seem quite right to me. I know what you could change it to, but it's your story and your choice. I also saw a bit of a mistake in the dialogue here that I would change.
"did'nt"?
"twentyeight" is two words.
I'd put in a comma here. Like this:
That's all that I could find! All-in-all, good story, and PM me if you put up more!
Happy YWSing!
~Gsp
youreit here!
First off, I'd suggest rating this at least 16+, because of violence and prostitution.
Now, on to the review! I didn't catch any grammatical errors, which is great, and uncommon. I thought this was very good. It makes me think of a law and order I saw, where the cop goes undercover to nail the perp for prostitution. I'd like to see more backstory here. How'd she come to be under this man's control? (I assume that it's a man, sorry if I misjudged) How long has she been misused like this? Is there any hope of her escaping? PM me if you have any questions, or if you decide to write more with this story line.
Keep writing,
youreit