Published December 1, 2009
A story I thought of while in Health class today. Lots of ideas come to me in health class. Enjoy!
---
Chapter -1
I slowly kicked the disembodied head of my victim down the stone path and lit a cigarette. The thunking of the dislocated skull against pavement made a weirdly calming beat.
"Stupid rapist," I mumbled, grabbing the head by the blood soaked curls on his head," that should teach you not to mess with under aged women," I laughed and flicked the fag on the dew coated grass, snake like wisps of smoke drifted up from the deceased cigarette," not that you could, now, anyway." I dropped the head and kicked it in the bushes.
My name's Laurent Shliver, I'm sixteen years old and a full-time serial killer. It's for the best, really. I don't go around killing random people, only the bad ones. Thieves, murderers, kidnappers, and rapist, like that piece of shit rotting away in the bushes. I never took anything, but if they happened to have a few bucks on them of course I took that. They wouldn't be needing it where they were heading anyway.
Most normal people would be wondering where my parents were. They were murdered, that's why I've made it my personal mission to eliminate every 'bad' person I cross. Would that make me one of the bad people? No, not really, at least, I'd like to think not. I'm a special kind of person, correcting the wrongs in this world, killing of the bad to leave room for the good. I call myself Godrunner.
Chapter 1
The sun climbed over the horizon, throwing red-orange waves of light that made the dew covered city sparkle with an innocent glow. The only sound was the crunch of my boots against the gravel of the road and the jagged sound of my shallow breathing. Morning light made the blue highlights in my grey eyes twinkle and the purple undertones in my black hair glisten. I set my jaw in a hard line as I shoved my hand in my pocket, fishing around for another cigarette.
My cell buzzed in my back pocket, the sound of Saosin filled the early morning air. I pulled it out and held it with two fingers, at arms length. The caller ID read Serpenties. I clicked the talk button with a crooked grin on my face.
---
That is all for now. Hope you enjoyed! Bye-bye.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Wow, well we're starting off with some pretty powerful moves there. That's a very graphic description to get things going and I think its perfect for the kind of vibe you're trying to establish here. Definitely gets your attention as a reader almost instantly and we can tell exactly what sort of character we're dealing with and in what sort of situation. All in all, a solid start there.
Oooh well this is an interesting premise, not the first time I've seen something like this, but I don't know if I've seen this particular style of serial killer handled in this way before. This is certainly a very interesting character there. There's a lot you can try and glean from the way this person is interacting with the world there and the outlook they have on killing. The bit of backstory was also quite interesting, and you integrated it in there pretty well too. It does tells us at least a couple of very interesting details to be thinking about.
Bit of a short couple of chapter there, but I liked it. I think you could probably do with expanding them in terms of adding a bit more detail, and perhaps introducing a little more backstory and general context to everything. Other than that, its a solid combination there, starting off with a good demonstration of what this person does and then ending that chapter with something along the lines of a cliffhanger there in terms of perhaps another target coming up for this person. All in all, a solid place to be starting there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
The other reviewers all have good advice. I think the most obvious problem was how he was describing himself. How would he know what he looked like? You'll need to fit in your descriptions elsewhere.
Also, as the other reviewers have said, it seems like you're telling more than showing.
Another problem I had was that there didn't seem to be any internal conflict. Some could start later, though you'd need a sense of it earlier on - if you were planning on having some. I can tell that this is going to have mostly external conflict, but it always makes a story better with some internal too. For example, Laurent seems totally confident that he's doing the right thing. But what if he wasn't? I personally think it would make the story much more interesting.
My last problem is how this story idea is so common. You need to make sure to keep the plot original, and the characters, too.
However, I do like the voice, and it's interesting enough to keep me reading. With some editing, this could be good.
Very good, I like this opening and I am impressed with your style. You draw very clear images of a gloomy environment. It could use some revising though, a little less insight so soon. Leave the protagonist more mysterious, barely hinting to his motives. I am interested, I will keep reading.
Hi Loveless!!! Okay, I’m going to say off the bat that the title is definitely attention catching.
May I steal this opening line because I love it? Also, what were you doing in health class to inspire that…or do I even want to know.
And honestly, everything that Jiggity has said is completely true so just to listen to Jigs. Showing is so much nicer for your readers than telling. Just imagine if you picked up a book and it opened up a book and it started out like this: “Amber was a pretty girl with blond hair and soft blue eyes. It was easy to tell that she was the head cheerleader by her long, toned legs and her really stuck up attitude.” That’s what I thought. I also really want to delete all of that right this second and cry.
Another thing I should mention is the timing of the cigarette. The way if reads, he pretty much lit a cigarette and tossed it the next second. After working with the people I've worked with for as long as I have, I can tell you that a cigarette usually takes five minutes to smoke. And most smokers aren't going to toss out a cigarette and waste it.
But the idea is definitely a cool one, just as long as you remember to take the time to add information slowly. Don’t just pile it on us at once otherwise you'll make it seem like you're just giving it all away. And that would totally ruin the amazing story that you could write.
Oh, and if you have any other questions about anything, feel free to PM me. I love getting PM's. They make me feel popular.
~lilymoore
Hey there,
Your speech tagging really needs work. You need to separate dialogue from action as well.
This should read more like this:
The main issue I had with this was the telling. You told us everything without showing us much at all, it takes all the fun out of it for the reader. I don't even mind that the main character is essentially Dexter Morgan, I don't - but were I you, I'd get rid of the paragraph where you blithely give his reasoning for becoming a serial killer.
I'm interested to know how he is aware that his eyes are twinkling or that his hair is glistening?
The one thing you do have down and it's one of the more important things, too, is character voice. His is good. Just work on the other things.
Cheers