Tiffany Ariel - Part One

Hey Billy...

You've obviously already edited this judging by the other review before mine so I'm just going to nit pick...hope you don't mind

Her long-lashed eyes fluttered open, and smile played across her lips.

Sitting up, Tiffany squinted her eyes to block out the sun that was relentlessly shining on her.

Skipping toward her door,

where a horrid smell graced her nose.

"No need," she smiled, taking out a bowl and throwing the inredients into it.

Tiffany laughed lightly, her musical chuckle echoing through out the house.

I am here with my critique of doom! Although, this really wasn't bad. In fact, I enjoyed it.

LoveableLittleSock wrote:Her long-lashed eyes fluttered open, and a smile play[s]ing[/s]ed across her lips.

Sitting up, Tiffany squinted her eyes to block [s]off[/s]out the sun that was relentlessly shining on her. Gently slipping off her bed[comma] she landed her porcelain [s]foot[/s]feet into a pink, fluffy slipper that lay on her floor. Skipping toward her door[comma] Tiffany flung it open and plopped herself onto the rail of her stairs, sliding down it with mere ease. [Quite a few of your sentences so far have the same structure with a dependent clause at the beginning of the sentence. Mix it up a little! For instance, this last sentence can go "Tiffany skipped toward her door, flung it open, and plopped herself onto the rail..."] Once she reach[s]ing[/s]ed the ground floor[comma, although this would be keeping the same format as the other sentences] she hopped off the rail and entered the kitchen, where a horrid smell graced her nose.

"Father, what are you making?" she asked, the words rolling off her tongue like pure velvet. An [s]ubsurdly[/s] absurdly (and I love his description XD) handsome man poked his head out from the kitchen and frowned at his daughter.

"I was attempting to make a batch of pancakes, but I suppose we'll have to settle for cereal once again[s].[/s][comma]" he explained. Tiffany let out a whiny moan and strutted into the kitchen, pushing her father out of the way of the stove.

"I'll make the pancakes[s].[/s][comma]" she sighed, gracefully retreiving multiple ingredients from the cabinets.

"You don't want to use the mix?" her father asked, shaking a bottle of pancake mix in front of her. Tiffany pushed it away distastefully.

"No need[s].[/s][comma]" she smiled, taking out a bowl and throwing the [s]inredients[/s]ingredients into it. "Homemade tastes much better." [s]he[/s]Her father shrugged and wandered over to the table where he sat himself down and began to read the newspaper.

"Smells great[s].[/s][comma]" he commented after a couple of minutes. Tiffany laughed lightly, her musical chuckle echoing through[no space]out the house.

"Silly, thats because [s]their[/s]they're done." Her father raised his eyebrows as Tiffany dropped several perfectly brown pancakes onto a plate. "Here you go." [s]s[/s]She smiled as she served him. Turning around, her eyes spotted the clock, which read 7:20. "Oh dear!"

"What?" the older man asked, bread dripping from his open mouth.

"I have to get to school!" she announced, snatching her school belongings from the table and racing out the door. Her heels clacked along the sidewalk rhythmically [s]and[/s]as her she sprinted to her school without breaking a sweat.

Malory High School was an enormous brick building, decorated with perfectly white windows and a lush, green campus. Tiffany [s]continued to run[/s]ran [because we didn't see her begin to run] up to the entrance of her school[s],[/s] ripp[s]ing[/s]ed [to fit with the rest of the sentence] open the door.

Tiffany reache[s]r[/s]d her locker in seconds[s],[/s] and swiftly en[s]e[/s]tering the combination. She pulled it open, throwing her books into the locker as she got up off the floor. "Tiffany!" [s]S[/s]she heard somebody call. Tiffany swiveled her head as she shut her locker and smiled at her moderately-attractive friend Brittany.

"Hey, Brittany. What's happening?" she greeted.

I actually really liked it. A few comma errors, mispelled words, and one sentence where it didn't sound right. It was a bit clich