Do not Enter

DO NOT ENTER
I warn you, beware
You’re entering the room of a teenage girl
Her private domain, her forbidden lair (full stop!)

If you come in unannounced
She will snap around your head
She will bite down on your ankles hard
And then crawl back into bed.

If you manage to sneak past the beast
And survive her horrible snoring (bit juvenille word- "horrible"- changed)
I assure you, it’s not really worth it
The room will turn out to be quite boring

Posters of notorious monsters align the wall
And rats scurry along the floor (Haha- great)
The hamper is teeming with stained crimson rags
And Frankenstein guards the door (again, full stop!)

In the closet you must not go
For I warn you, it will not be pleasant (Need a comma)
Two monsters hungrily continue their meal
Of chicken, bacon, duck and pheasant (forced rhyming here- amend. It doesn't sense)

Again I warn you not to go in
Even if your family and friends are cheering
Oh, I forgot to mention if you’re reading this aloud
The beast has pretty darn good hearing (Bravo, good ending)

Hey remember this, the way you use your words make the poem sound mysterious

This was.. neat.
No really, I liked it!
It was funny.
Creative.
Yes.

I loved it. I agree with you. I don't like people invading my own privacy. The rhyming was really good and it flowed well. Keep it up!

I like the original version better. I think that you could have done much better - I'm not sure that you've done justice to yourself as a writer in creating this poem. I do like the idea of comparing a teenage girl to a horrific monster - I know my family certainly thinks that I'm a monster!
Keep writing,
Bkwrm

I just wanna say that the 'monster' thing is a metaphor. Does it not make sense? Teenager girls are horrible, yes?

I liked the way the title forms the first line of the poem. But the things you describe are really quite shocking! The last verse, as other reviewers have said, needs to make more sense.

The poem doesn't need to have a knock-you-over-the-head impact - you can tone it down while still giving an undercurrent of menace. This would also allow for more irony - a gap between what is said and the true meaning. E.g. "Thank you for not reading the sign when entering." That sort of thing. Understatement is often more effective than overkill which can descend into hokum.

Otherwise, not bad. 7/10

I liked it. THe first verse was good, but the others didn't tie in.

Quote:
DO NOT ENTER
I warn you, beware
You’re entering the room of a teenage girl
Her private domain, her forbidden lair

Something in this first part draws you to read more. The fact that we now know its probably going to rhyme attracks me to it. In this poem you need to fix your punctuation.

Quote:
Again I warn you not to go in
Even if your family and friends are cheering
Oh, I forgot to mention if you’re reading this aloud
The beast has pretty darn good hearing


This part does not relly make much sense.
"Even if your family and friends are cheering"
Messes up the entire part. If you were to take out that part and instead just replace the line with something new...

"Again I warn you not to go in
(fill this with a new line)
Oh, I forgot to mention if you're reading this aloud
The beast has pretty darn good hearing"

I find the very last line a very funny and interesting one.
This piece will need some more editing.
When you've edited it just let me know and i'll review it again.

Fell free to PM me with any questoins

-BroadwayGirl

DO NOT ENTER
I warn you, beware
You’re entering the room of a teenage girl
Her private domain, her forbidden lair

If you come in unannounced
She will snap around your head
She will bite down on your ankles hard
And then crawl back into bed.

If you manage to sneak past the beast
And survive her horrible snoring
I assure you, it’s not really worth it
The room will turn out to be quite boring

Posters of notorious monsters align the wall
And rats scurry along the floor
The hamper is teeming with stained crimson rags
And Frankenstein guards the door

In the closet you must not go
For I warn you, it will not be pleasant
Two monsters hungrily continue their meal
Of chicken, bacon, duck and pheasant

Again I warn you not to go in
Even if your family and friends are cheering
Oh, I forgot to mention if you’re reading this aloud
The beast has pretty darn good hearing




Your first stanza starts out well
in the 2 stanza, she will snap around your head, does not make any sense, i would reword this, maybe take your time and come up with a better visual

the rest kinda went down hill, stained crimson red rags?

your idea is good, but i think this needs alot of work.

carl

I think it's an overkill -_-

just my opinion though...

Haha, this made me laugh, but I agree, it's not very serious. What's with the monster? A poem like this might fit with little kids, but not a teenage girl......well......I guess i'm not a girl, so I don't really know. Could this be true?? Haha... No, I think that it's funny, but like she said, it may not be that funny after a while. It needs to be more realistic.

Keep Writing!!!!!

Teh Wozzinator

I wish this were written more seriously. Because then I think it'd be hilarious. Now, it's a series of actions and observations loosely tied together with a setting. I think a lot of the stanzas could be combined, actually (yes, this would mean breaking the rhyme scheme. Now there's a horror ^^) to make things more concise. I think if you took the first two stanzas and the last two, or so, and concentrated on the monster living in the closet, you'd have something to run with.

Good luck!

P.S. Cutesy is, well, cute, for a little while, but in all, doesn't nearly stack up against anything substantial. And that is often a shame because some of said cutesy poems, if also substantial, would be interesting.

i liked it.... it gives you this sort of ......hmmmm how do i put it....haunting feeling .... like somethings trying to .....ummm.... ... warn you i guess.. but i liked it....it was sort of ........ shocking!

great job1

Hm, interesting. I can say I've never read a poem quite like this before. Your first line is gripping, so good job with that. However, some of your verses were choppy, and I'm not sure I understand the monster part. I was expecting it to be like, "don't go in a teenage girl's room because she's really moody and she has PMS and she's gonna kill you." Unless the monster is a metaphor. In that case, it would be pretty cool.

Overall, good job. Maybe you should read this aloud and see how it sounds; that'll help clean it up. I look forward to reading your other work.