Published May 31, 2008
Ok this poem was submitted for a contest with the subject of our favorite place...and I wanted to think outside the box. So tell me what you think.
Any place but here
A cut, a scream, a bruise, a yelp.
I can't do anything. No one can help.
A mark, a cut, some blood all the same.
I cannot describe such searing pain.
I run, he grabs. I fall, he won.
What you see isn't half of what he has done.
I scream and cower, as the huge hand draws near.
My favorite place is any place but here.
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Canary word: Present
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Ah yes. I see. I did not notice that at first. So, should I change it to,
"I fell. He won?" Also, I know that it is not only men that abuse people. At the time I was just trying to think off the moment.
Thank you all for all those comments. I didn't think anyone was going to read it. I entered this and got honorable mention but no cigar. Oh well. Maybe I will do better next time. I still really love it, and it is such a great piece for my collection. xD
The best of luck to you! I hope you win! I do agree with bkwrm, though. the past tense and present tense thing is a bit confusing. Other than that, it was awesome! Good luck in the contest!!
This poem is good and it's also very potent. There's just one thing that confuses me a little. You switch tenses part way through a sentence;-
Do you see what I mean? 'I fall' is in the present tense and 'he won' is in the past tense. It's okay to switch tenses, but doing it in the middle of a sentence doesn't work and switching from present to past instead of past to present is strange. It would probably be easiest to just switch to one tense throughout.
Other than that, you've done really well and I hope that you place well in the competition. Keep writing,
Bkwrm
Oooh, from how it began I was skeptical, but this poem works perfectly so show a kids fear. It would be better if you made it a person, instead of just a male. Because it's not only males. Other than that nit pick. You've a great poem which really shows the terror of it all. The small wording shows it's a young person. Nothing much more to say.
. I don't usually give so much stars on a single day.
Overall: This also earns a star, people have been lucky today
Good luck
VSN
wow.
That really throws reality right in your face!!!
hey it great and very sad!!!!!
i bet ull kick ass in the contest!!!!!
wooooooohooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree... it is a sad poem, but I like how you "thought outside the box" That made it unique in a way.
Overall... I like it! You said you submitted it for a contest? Best of luck!
It's sad that that kind of thing does happen in life. I thought the poem was interesting and it makes people awear that there is evil in this world and something needs to be done about it.