Young Writers Society

Bow wow wow!

Henlo, poet. I am Jade and I am here to review your work.

So first things first I love this so much. So realistic and the imagery works together with everything. The way you described some things gave me a sense of dread and makes me think this is about sense memory since you mentioned different senses more than once.
When mentioning touch and smell, it brings upon memories of physical abuse and violation which I believe may be rape and I think there are traces of mental abuse in there when you mentioned being all alone and the unwanted affection hitting like blows.

Throughout the poem I noticed that you never used 'I' or 'she' so I think it may have to do with fear keeping you from speaking out; that they are too scared to say anything in fear of him coming back.

My favorite section of the poem would have to be from stanza 9 to stanza 18 only because it portrays so much in so little lines. You can basically see the fear and abuse rolling off these parts in waves and I like that about it because I believe that poems must have that effect on people.

Anyways, I really loved this and I really look forward to seeing many more poems from you Louisiana15. Also, I used to live in Louisiana, I really enjoyed it and it's environment. Random I know but had to throw it in there.

Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.

the imagery of abuse and cologne gives off the feeling of dread and fear. people who are in an abusive relationship would remember the trauma psychosomatically from certain smells. the way the poem is absent of I or her creates the idea that the narrator is being forbidden from speaking.

"The fear inside

Will almost burst.

The unwanted affection

Hitting like a blow;

Reeling back,

Laying low.

Those violations;

All exposed

While he walks away…

Him and his cologne."

This is my favorite part of the poem. the sense of terror emanated perfectly in the lines. the symbolism of restraint and assault appeared perfectly in the context.

however, I would've to agree with niteowl. the poem's fast rhythm and short lines hold it back and it is best to either extend the lines or work on the rhythm a little more.

anyways, I like your poem. I hope you write more.

Hi there Louisiana15 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

I like the recurring image of the cologne. It feels like the offender announces his presence and refuses to leave, even as his presence triggers painful reminders in the speaker. Another interesting choice is how the speaker doesn't really have an identity...there's no "I" or "her" referenced in the poem. It creates this effect like the man with the cologne is sort of robbing the victim of their voice, which seems fitting.

That said, I think the rhyme scheme and short lines are holding the poem back. A common problem in poems is forced rhymes, where the writer picks words because they rhyme rather than because they're the best choice for saying what they want to say. "Bitter/litter" feels forced to me because I don't see how litter makes sense in this context. I like the idea of the gentle touch being bitter, but I'm not sure what "traces the base of the litter" is supposed to mean. The short lines create a choppy rhythm, but I feel like that combined with the rhyme scheme is reducing the room to bring in more images and metaphors like the cologne one.

In many reviews, I suggest using free verse because you can use much stronger words when you're not as focused on the rhyme. I also wouldn't be afraid to vary the line length. With slightly longer lines, you could paint a clearer picture. I'd also love to see more sensory description like the bit about the cologne.

Overall, I think this could be a powerful piece, and I'd love to see what you do when you get away from this constricting structure. Keep writing!