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16+ Mature Content

Exposed

by Louisiana15


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

With many present

And yet all alone;

Alone with that one

With the strong cologne.

The gentle touch

That’s so bitter

Traces the base

Of the litter.

The fruitful contact

Becomes cursed.

The fear inside

Will almost burst.

The unwanted affection

Hitting like a blow;

Reeling back,

Laying low.

Those violations;

All exposed

While he walks away…

Him and his cologne.


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28 Reviews


Points: 452
Reviews: 28

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Sat Sep 15, 2018 3:20 am
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xJoeyx wrote a review...



Bow wow wow!

Henlo, poet. I am Jade and I am here to review your work.

So first things first I love this so much. So realistic and the imagery works together with everything. The way you described some things gave me a sense of dread and makes me think this is about sense memory since you mentioned different senses more than once.
When mentioning touch and smell, it brings upon memories of physical abuse and violation which I believe may be rape and I think there are traces of mental abuse in there when you mentioned being all alone and the unwanted affection hitting like blows.

Throughout the poem I noticed that you never used 'I' or 'she' so I think it may have to do with fear keeping you from speaking out; that they are too scared to say anything in fear of him coming back.

My favorite section of the poem would have to be from stanza 9 to stanza 18 only because it portrays so much in so little lines. You can basically see the fear and abuse rolling off these parts in waves and I like that about it because I believe that poems must have that effect on people.

Anyways, I really loved this and I really look forward to seeing many more poems from you Louisiana15. Also, I used to live in Louisiana, I really enjoyed it and it's environment. Random I know but had to throw it in there.




Louisiana15 says...


Hey! First off, you were spot on with the poem!!! It was abuse--physical, mental--that I was trying to convey. Rape is mentioned as well. So, again, spot on.

The lack of "I" and "she" is also accurate: my fear.

I am SO glad that I was able to convey so much with so little words! I was worried I had too little words to convey my message, but I'm glad it all worked out!

Also, I used to live in Louisiana too :) All my family is still there, so I enjoy when I get to go visit!



xJoeyx says...


That's so cool and now I feel smart. :)



Louisiana15 says...


:)



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200 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 200

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Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:14 am
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.

the imagery of abuse and cologne gives off the feeling of dread and fear. people who are in an abusive relationship would remember the trauma psychosomatically from certain smells. the way the poem is absent of I or her creates the idea that the narrator is being forbidden from speaking.

"The fear inside

Will almost burst.

The unwanted affection

Hitting like a blow;

Reeling back,

Laying low.

Those violations;

All exposed

While he walks away…

Him and his cologne."

This is my favorite part of the poem. the sense of terror emanated perfectly in the lines. the symbolism of restraint and assault appeared perfectly in the context.

however, I would've to agree with niteowl. the poem's fast rhythm and short lines hold it back and it is best to either extend the lines or work on the rhythm a little more.

anyways, I like your poem. I hope you write more.




Louisiana15 says...


@kman134, thank you so much for your review! I see that my message is not being portrayed as I wanted in my poem and will make sure to correct it.

Assault is the major point of the poem, so I am glad I was able to convey my emotions correctly in that part of the poem.

I will work on not restraining my writing and I hope that when I do submit more works, that you will find yours and niteowl's pointers incorporated.


Thanks, again!



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Fri Sep 14, 2018 12:56 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Louisiana15 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

I like the recurring image of the cologne. It feels like the offender announces his presence and refuses to leave, even as his presence triggers painful reminders in the speaker. Another interesting choice is how the speaker doesn't really have an identity...there's no "I" or "her" referenced in the poem. It creates this effect like the man with the cologne is sort of robbing the victim of their voice, which seems fitting.

That said, I think the rhyme scheme and short lines are holding the poem back. A common problem in poems is forced rhymes, where the writer picks words because they rhyme rather than because they're the best choice for saying what they want to say. "Bitter/litter" feels forced to me because I don't see how litter makes sense in this context. I like the idea of the gentle touch being bitter, but I'm not sure what "traces the base of the litter" is supposed to mean. The short lines create a choppy rhythm, but I feel like that combined with the rhyme scheme is reducing the room to bring in more images and metaphors like the cologne one.

In many reviews, I suggest using free verse because you can use much stronger words when you're not as focused on the rhyme. I also wouldn't be afraid to vary the line length. With slightly longer lines, you could paint a clearer picture. I'd also love to see more sensory description like the bit about the cologne.

Overall, I think this could be a powerful piece, and I'd love to see what you do when you get away from this constricting structure. Keep writing! :D




Louisiana15 says...


@niteowl, thank you so much for your review! I find it very valuable and will definitely use it to better my writing. To clear your confusion (as best I can) about the "traces the base of the litter", it is simply a play on words to describe someone's rear. If you think about a litter box, its base is the bottom of it. That's what I was going with.

I don't always use a constricted rhyme scheme. I actually wrote this piece yesterday. A lot of my older works that I plan to publish are in the freestyle/free verse format. It is meant to seem constricted because the theme itself is constriction and as you said, robbing the victim (or me) of their voice.

Again, thank you so much for your review, and I will incorporate it into my future publications!



niteowl says...


Oh okay. I...would have never gotten that. It probably doesn't help that "litter" has a ton of meanings, including garbage and like a litter of puppies/kittens. And I can see your reasoning for the choice. It's just that a lot of people seem to default to short lines and rhyme schemes whether or not it makes any sense.



Louisiana15 says...


Ah, yes. I can see how "litter" can be so confusing. I will make note of that in my written form of it in my notebook. And yes, I have that tendency among the crowds. I will make sure to not always go with "protocol" when writing. Thanks!




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