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I wanted to fly

by Louise


When I was a child I wanted to be a bird. Or rather, I wanted to fly. I remember how I used to go to the forest in our backyard and watch the birds fly. I tried to imitate what they were doing but I just couldn’t understand why it worked for them and not for me. I did exactly what they were doing but I still couldn’t fly. I climbed the tree and stood on the branch just like the birds. I filled my lungs with air to make myself bigger, then I jumped and flapped my arms as if they were wings. But every single time I fell to the ground, while the birds rose to the sky. It wasn’t fair. Then I realized that I had to have wings because my skinny arms weren’t enough to make me fly. So I started making these wings out of cardboard, glue and actual bird feathers which I found in the forest. It took me ages; bird feathers aren’t actually that easy to find. 

When the wings were finally done I went to the forest and put them on. My stomach was filled with butterflies and I was so excited because this was going to work. I was gonna fly. Of course I went to my favorite tree. It could easily have been the biggest tree in the entire forest and the most beautiful one as well. It had many branches, high and low so it was easy to climb. I got to my usual branch which were a few meters above the ground and I was ready to jump when I realized, that I should probably go higher because then the wind would have more time to reach under my wings and lift me up. So I climbed as high as I could. I didn’t stop until I barely could stand on the branch without it bending. I took a deep breath and tried not to look down. I counted to three, closed my eyes and then I jumped. I flapped my wings as fast as I could and for a brief moment, I felt like I was really flying…


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Sun Jul 29, 2018 5:56 pm
Amabilia wrote a review...



Hey, it's Dream's turn to review!

I usually like to start with grammar, so here goes!

But every single time I fell to the ground, while the birds rose to the sky.

Technically it should be the birds rose into the sky, but I think you can get away with this.
Of course I went to my favorite tree.

Comma after course.
I got to my usual branch which were a few meters above the ground and I was ready to jump when I realized, that I should probably go higher because then the wind would have more time to reach under my wings and lift me up.

Were should be was here. Also, I feel like this sentence is a run-on. Maybe try instead,
"I got to my usual branch, which was a few meters above the ground, and I was ready to jump. Then I thought, perhaps I should go higher, let the wind have more time to reach under my wings and lift me up?
So I started making these wings out of cardboard, glue and actual bird feathers which I found in the forest.

Maybe take the these out?

Other than those nit-picky things, this altogether sounds very good. The emotion is strong, the ending is powerful. Did the character die, which lead to this being unfinished? Or did they still survive, but be too upset to continue? I think it's cool how you left it up to the reader to decide.

Anyways, sorry this is so short.
Happy Review Day!
DreamingForever




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Sun Jul 29, 2018 3:16 am
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there Louise.
You're not a new member but I think I saw a mention of this being your first posted piece, so congrats on that.

The first thing, that strikes me before anything else, is the paragraphs that seem more like walls. I mean, at least it's split into two sections. There's two ways that I'm looking at it from and I can see why you might want to keep it whole, maintaining how the differing ideas fit together. But it's unfortunately not as digestible that way and you've got a lot of emotions going on here?

It's a long monologue and it sort of fits together but it's also jumping about. I think if you want it to flow better together, you don't necessarily have to do any major rewrites, just break it up a little bit.

So for how my review is organized, I think I'll split up the sections, as I see them being split up. All just a recommendation, keep that in mind.

When I was a child I wanted to be a bird.

This might be a little controversial way of doing it but since your first line is supposed to be the major impact/summary, it feels better to separate it from the rest of the group. Because you make a bold statement and then there'll be a bit of spacing between it and the next major thought, which is in this case, an explanation of the first statement.

Or rather, I wanted to fly. I remember how I used to go to the forest in our backyard and watch the birds fly. I tried to imitate what they were doing but I just couldn’t understand why it worked for them and not for me. I did exactly what they were doing but I still couldn’t fly. I climbed the tree and stood on the branch just like the birds. I filled my lungs with air to make myself bigger, then I jumped and flapped my arms as if they were wings.

I cut this one off at this point, for similar reasoning as the last spacer, you were about to begin another major statement. Whenever people start the following sentence with the word "But", it has the tendency to be of equal weight to the previous statement.
Here, you're mainly talking about all of your attempts to fly, while the section that follows, is more angst about failure.

But every single time I fell to the ground, while the birds rose to the sky.

It wasn’t fair.

Then I realized that I had to have wings because my skinny arms weren’t enough to make me fly. So I started making these wings out of cardboard, glue and actual bird feathers which I found in the forest. It took me ages; bird feathers aren’t actually that easy to find.

For this next part, I'm actually going to move towards multiple sections. This is for a couple of the reasons I already mentioned above and most of those reasons come back to saying that you want this to be as dramatic as possible.
[Dramatic as impactful, not dramatic like a soap opera. Just thought that I should clarify, since I'm not usually a fan of using the term 'dramatic'.]

Content wise, I don't have too much to say and I think I'll eventually just write some overall thoughts. The content is somewhat spiritual and so I think you might want to reconsider the genre listings. Like narrative fits but spiritual sounds better for the thought process of how you/the character is going through this long, dramatic series of events.

[and then there's also some like minor grammar mistakes but i don't care about those. just check up on them, it's mostly just some missing commas.]

When the wings were finally done I went to the forest and put them on. My stomach was filled with butterflies and I was so excited because this was going to work.

I was gonna fly.

Of course I went to my favorite tree. It could easily have been the biggest tree in the entire forest and the most beautiful one as well. It had many branches, high and low so it was easy to climb. I got to my usual branch which were a few meters above the ground and I was ready to jump when I realized, that I should probably go higher because then the wind would have more time to reach under my wings and lift me up. So I climbed as high as I could. I didn’t stop until I barely could stand on the branch without it bending.[/quote]
I took a deep breath and tried not to look down. I counted to three, closed my eyes and then I jumped. I flapped my wings as fast as I could and for a brief moment, I felt like I was really flying…

Trailing off at the end is a little bit awkward and I think I get the purpose of it. I'm assuming that you wanted to leave the end as ambiguous and then that brings on the second assumption of death, because flying reminds me of some poetic imagery.

As an overall, this is a pretty good piece.
The reason that almost all of my commentary about splitting it up, is because a major part about reactions, is dependent on reactions. So at first, i wasn't a very big fan of this piece, just because it looked like one wall of text. [walls of text are by definition walls and tend to be not great in the narration department]
The only other thing that I can think of that is an easy tweak, is the pacing of the plot. It switches quickly between the plot dragging along and then that rush of adrenaline. So that's sort of explainable but I think there just needs to be more of a buffer.

If you have any questions for me about any piece of this review or want a more in depth review, just PM me.
Happy Review Day!
- Lizz <3




Louise says...


I totally see what you mean and I agree that it should be more split up. Thank you for your review!



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Sun Jul 29, 2018 2:58 am
mb1221 says...



Hi there, mb1221 is here to review this piece.

As soon as I read the first two sentences, I got hooked to this piece.
This is a very short, but still a wonderful story. You did a great job with not only describing your unique childhood memory, but also with enhancing it with imagery of the tree that you climbed up to before attempting to fly.

Now I would like to address something that does not quite add up to the flow of the piece. In the second paragraph, you mentioned that the tree you were climbing on was perhaps the highest tree in the forest (again, great use of imagery here), and then you leave one branch and go to a higher one. The last sentence says ". . .for a brief moment, I felt like I was really flying..." My interpretation, although it may be incorrect, is that the narrator dies in his/her attempt to fly from the highest branch of the highest tree in the forest. But, this narrative is about an anecdote that talks about a past memory, as the first few words suggest: "When I was a child".

Don't be discouraged by the one negative comment. Having loved this piece, I am looking forward to reading your other pieces. :)

Keep writing :)




Louise says...


You are right about your interpretation and I knew that first sentence was an issue but I didn't know how else to explain it.
Thank you for your review!



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55 Reviews


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Sun Jul 29, 2018 2:58 am
mb1221 wrote a review...



Hi there, mb1221 is here to review this piece.

As soon as I read the first two sentences, I got hooked to this piece.
This is a very short, but still a wonderful story. You did a great job with not only describing your unique childhood memory, but also with enhancing it with imagery of the tree that you climbed up to before attempting to fly.

Now I would like to address something that does not quite add up to the flow of the piece. In the second paragraph, you mentioned that the tree you were climbing on was perhaps the highest tree in the forest (again, great use of imagery here), and then you leave one branch and go to a higher one. The last sentence says ". . .for a brief moment, I felt like I was really flying..." My interpretation, although it may be incorrect, is that the narrator dies in his/her attempt to fly from the highest branch of the highest tree in the forest. But, this narrative is about an anecdote that talks about a past memory, as the first few words suggest: "When I was a child".

Don't be discouraged by the one negative comment. Having loved this piece, I am looking forward to reading your other pieces. :)

Keep writing :)





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