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Calista and the City of Glass: Chapter 1

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Chapter 1

The sun shone brightly through the leaves and warmed my face. A certain contentedness, the type that only comes from late summer days and warm sunsets. I walked across one of the bridges that swung between the branches of the trees, the final one before my home. My house was a modest one, simple and small, but big enough for me and my dad to live comfortably. The tree I live in is enormous, at least a hundred feet tall and with a trunk large enough to hold two spacious houses next to each other. Up among the branches is where my city is, the city of Valentia. Our houses and shops are nestled in the branches and we walk from place to place on swinging bridges. We get a lovely view of the surrounding jungle, the giggly forest nymphs and those smug centaurs, and the occasional spriggan. I walked into my house and was immediately hit with the scent of homemade soup.

“Dad?” I called into the hut.

“Mm-Hm? He replied.

“Watcha makin’?” I asked.

My dad stepped out from behind the kitchen door, wiping his dark hands on his apron.

“Just veggie soup. Almost ready” He paused to sniff the air. “Oh! Done! Come on, get the bowls.”

“Yessir.” I bounded into the kitchen behind him and filled two bowls full of steaming soup. We sat at the little table for two in the corner and dug in.

“Mm, dad, dish is delishous!” I said with my mouth full of steaming soup. I swallowed and finished my sentence. “As usual.” Dad smiled and took another spoonful. When our bowls were empty the sun was setting over the trees, putting on a miraculous display of color. Without looking up, my dad said,

“Remember, when the sun goes down, it lights up the world for someone else. It knows that it’s making the world dark for you, but it is doing what it must. Remember that sometimes when people do things it’s not to hurt you, it’s for the best.” My dad had always been gifted with words. Mom had always said that she loved the way he could spin words from air.

I sat in my room with my mirror in my hand. It had been my mother’s, with an ivory handle. I looked at myself, my dark skin, my hair, how it flew in every direction in corkscrew curls. Now the sun was gone entirely, off to light up someone else’s day.

***

The next morning I headed off to the eastern branches of the tree to see Sasha. Sasha and I had been friends since we were babies, and I’d never gone more than a month in my life without seeing her. When I crossed the bridge to her house she was already on our favorite swing that dangled down from the branches below her house.

“Well hello darling!” She called. “Come, join me in my swinging.” I laughed and climbed down the rope ladder to the swing. Sasha had big brown eyes and mahogany skin. Unlike my corkscrews, her hair fell in soft brown waves down her back. Look at this,” she whispered, pointing to the branch the held the swing. “It’s a Neri Beetle.” It took me a second to find it.

“By Valen! It’s huge!” I screamed, nearly falling out of the swing. Sasha laughed.

“I know! It’s just been sitting here all day.”

“Weird.”

“Yeah, right? Hey, you know what else is weird? I saw Kavi the other day, and he just would not stop talking about you. You know...”

“Uggh!” I laughed, shoving her.

It seemed like only minutes later that the sun was setting and I was walking the rope bridges back home.

&&&

I woke up to the sound of screaming. Everything was on fire. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my mirror. I ran into my dad’s bedroom, but he wasn’t there.

“Dad? Dad! Dad, Dad!” My screams were only absorbed in the flames. I ran outside. The trees was on fire, and people were running everywhere though the smoke, calling for their children and loved ones. And there, facedown on the bridge, was my father. “Dad? Are you okay? Dad, dad, it’s me!” He was breathing shallowly, and he was just about to touch my hand when the tree shook as if it had been struck by a thousand bolts of lightning. The bridge collapsed and I felt my feet slip from under me almost in slow motion. Everything was black.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Greetin'! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!


~Nit-Picks~

“Mm-Hm? He replied.

You've forgotten the ending parenthesis.

Just veggie soup. Almost ready” He paused to sniff the air. “Oh! Done! Come on, get the bowls.”

You forgot to put a period after 'ready'.


~Other Bits~

Our houses and shops are nestled in the branches and we walk from place to place on swinging bridges. We get a lovely view of the surrounding jungle, the giggly forest nymphs and those smug centaurs, and the occasional spriggan. I walked into my house and was immediately hit with the scent of homemade soup.

Here, you're describing the tree and the village and all that, but then you suddenly jump to her walking into your house. You talked a little bit about her before, but then she was somewhere else. This transition seems a bit too sudden. I would recommend that you move to another paragraph and describe her going up the tree into her home. Not only will it seem a bit less sudden, but it makes it so your reader can experience it and get to know your character as well. I don't really feel like I know your character that well from this chapter, so this could help.

“Remember, when the sun goes down, it lights up the world for someone else. It knows that it’s making the world dark for you, but it is doing what it must. Remember that sometimes when people do things it’s not to hurt you, it’s for the best.”

This seems a bit too out-of-the-blue. It doesn't really make sense why her dad would suddenly be saying this. I would suggest doing a bit more dialogue. A bit like a dinner conversation. Maybe your character could mention that something happened to somebody and that could spark the conversation. It doesn't have to be long, maybe three lines each at least, depending what works.

“It’s a Neri Beetle.” It took me a second to find it.

“By Valen! It’s huge!” I screamed, nearly falling out of the swing. Sasha laughed.

“I know! It’s just been sitting here all day.”

The problem I have with this is that I can't see the beetle. I want to, but I can't because you haven't described it. I'm having a hard time feeling what you're character is feeling because if it. I don't know how big it is, what it looks like, or where it is. I would suggest adding description (please say where it is, I want to know!) after '“By Valen! It’s huge!” I screamed, nearly falling out of the swing. Sasha laughed.' You'll probably need a new paragraph for it.


~Good Bits~

I really like the imagination you've put into this! A village in a tree...... The description you've put into this, especially the first part, is breathtaking, making me want to instantly read more. You've trapped me in this. I'm curious to see what happens next because you've imagined this very well and have had what a cliff-hanger! Great job!

Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug

Thank you for this! These edits were super helpful

User avatar
Meerkat
Review
Meerkat wrote a review · Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:35 pm

Hi!

One thing I really admired about this story was the title. "Calista and the City of Glass." It rolls off the tongue beautifully. You also did a good job of establishing your story as fantasy in the very first chapter. I am filled with questions, but am sure they will be answered in subsequent chapters. For instance, what is a spriggan? What is a Neri beetle? And is Valen a deity of some sort? You have piqued my curiosity.

This is a minor nitpick, but I have read many, many stories that begin with "The sun shone adverb-ly preposition the noun." Perhaps find a more unique way to introduce the setting; a tree city is too interesting to just begin by talking about the sun.

One other reminder is that the first chapter is vital to establishing who your main character is, and to convincing the audience to stick with them for 300+ pages. You have crafted a fascinating world, but the narrator (I'm assuming is named Calista?) is not given much characterization. We know things about her, like the mirror her mother gave her, her relationship with her father, as well as with her friend Sasha, but I want to know more about her personality, her interests, her fears, her dreams, anything to build a reader-character connection.

Your story definitely made me want to read more, leaving unanswered questions and a great cliffhanger. What is the City of Glass, and why is it important? I hope I will find out.
Please continue this story. Fantasy is a tough genre to write, but you are obviously skilled at a major part of it: building an intriguing fictional world.

Have a great day, and thank you for writing!

Thank you! I knew there was something off about how the reader connected with Calista in the first chapter. I'll get to editing this right away.

User avatar
NympheaLily
Review

Dang it cliffhangers! You left me at a really good part in the story. I love the introduction to the characters and also the way things slowly build up.

Now to the nitty gritty. This sentence; "When our bowls were empty the sun was setting over the trees, putting on a miraculous display of color." kind of has a rough edge. Try putting it something like "When our bowls were empty, the sun was already setting over the hills/trees/mountains/city/whatever terrain the house is in." Also when you say; "Without looking up, my dad said," the comma at the end of the sentence doesn't belong Try putting a semicolon instead.

Other than those things, everything is beautifully written. I love the way you describe everything in your story, especially the fire. Keep it comin' young writer! I want to read so much more!

~NympheaLily

User avatar
Allycat102199
Comment

I am completely in love with this chapter! You had lots of very good detail as well as kept me wanting to know more and more about the characters. Please keep writing, I need to know what happens! Good job.

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me.



If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
— Reborn