I am aware of the large amount of grammatical errors and help with which is greatly appreciated. Yes, goodbye.
Feed not from my soul;
For my soul dwells far from here.
For when the grave calls from below,
Life shall have lived within thee!
Feed not from my soul;
That flits most un-con-trolla-bly!
For when the earth calls not inspiration
Life shall have lived within thee!
Think not of this melancholy child;
And esteem it below your regard,
For such a child was born of internal meanderings,
Life shall have lived within thee!
When times gone by cease to amuse,
And reality’s confrontation sets forth
Life shall have lived within thee!
When trees bend not towards the moon;
And the man himself concludes his night’s wandering;
If not he bestows upon me a brooding glance
Life shall have lived within thee!
When the earth fails to stir from it inspiration,
Life shall be removed from thee!
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Haha, Galerius, not at all harsh, lol.
Evidently, you don't like my style of writing, and I have no problem with that, you are entitled to like whatever you like, however, was there any point in you comenting on this? You don't exactly give me any constructive advice, you basically say that it's terrible and everything should be changed.
However, I don't wish to inflict upon others opinions, each is entitled to believe what they want, and if you don't like this that's perfectly fine.
The ending too, is a little strange, "hope I've helped." Really, you've not in the slightest, you've told me of how terrible it was and how you barely believe it to be decent, but you've not helped.
Perhaps you should think more of people's sensitivity, I am not one to defend my writing, but some people could be completely shattered by the review you have provided me.
Anyway, yes, I may seem rather too defensive.
Thanks for your time, but not for your review, it didn't help at all.
~Kirsten.
Hi Lost,
Then fix them. Why do you need people to grammar check you?
By describing such a thing as "life" as something that...lives within another, I'm seeing a gnomon at work, a circle within a circle within a circle. However, it does not benefit from your form because the archaic imagery contrasts with the harsh "the grave calls you"; only a fool can't interpret that as death. Strike the third line and plump up the last line. It has potential, but life living is a base idea and can be posited through imagery, metaphors, etc.
I can't even begin to guess why you split up "uncontrollably" into such ugly hacked pieces. Do you...want the reader to read this as a bubble gum pop song?
Too many big words, not enough big ideas. Melancholy, esteem, regard, internal, meanderings, cease, confrontation. These words can be used beautifully but you've just stuffed them into the same two stanzas and I don't know why. Perhaps you attempt a sophisticated flair, perhaps it came subconsciously. Either way, it doesn't work and sounds utterly pretentious, especially compared to the first few stanzas. Rid the piece of such language and work with what you founded in the beginning.
This is getting too confusing, and probably too wrong, to be tolerated any further. The "trees bend not" is odd enough, but when you say something like "if not he bestows upon me", it should be something like "if he bestows upon me not". I don't know much about the archaic style, but I know enough to tell that there's something not right in this stanza with parallelism.
Such a deflated ending. "Live lived" was boring enough but now you hit us with "shall be removed"? And why the exclamation point? What's so exciting about such a dull phrase? Change it somehow, maybe change from the passive to the active, since that's what you've done in the last lines of the preceding stanzas.
Overall, a sub-par poem barely hovering on decency.
Hope that helped.
i feel this poem is a generally well written and structured poem although it ends too quickly. the first three quarters are paced out perfectly but the ending is too soon. apart from that, it is a lovely poem.
x rachel x