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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Okay, this is going to be very hard to explain...
I am aware that thy does not mean my, I don't mean my.
However, I am using thy for a my, but! With reason.
You see, this poem reflects both on a personal level and on a level that could be associated with others, so I decided to mess around with the archaic phrasing and words in order to create something new.
The clue is in:
I mean that both on the level of writing poetry as it is not my normal thing to write, so to speak, and to imply that I like to mess around with things, and change them.
Basically, I know it's not correct, but I see no point in rules, especially in writing, so I just changed things around a little. xD
Thanks for all the reveiws, people.
~Me
Hey Kirsten! It's June!
You should have told me about this thread! I would have been here sooner!
Anyway! Let's take a look at your first [s]ginormous[/s] tiny piece.
Okay, I know you're going for the archaic/old English tone here, but! Something here just isn't right, dear.
For instance, you're using "thy", and then you use "your". To speak, I think that if you are aiming for the archaic touch to this, your should be thou. "Your" is changing the flow of this completely making it look like this was forced out, dearie
To be honest, when I "switched" the Old English with modern day English, this read a lot smoother. Maybe it's because your audience speaks modern day that we're not "feeling" the full effect of this, and we want to be able to relate to this.
Also! This somehow reminded me of The Old Farmers Almanac. (Don't ask...) but I don't know what it is exactly, but this seems... unreal. Almost as if you were trying for something new, something different for a change.
Also, does the song Colors of the wind have anything to do with the inspiration of this, dear?
Howeverrr! You have a pretty neat little piece of a poem here, dear! Way to go! It's hard to pull short poems off without "cramming" too much :p.
Tres enjoyable
Juniper
Feed not on thy soul;
For thy soul follows not convention.
Render me with your colours
And keep me near the wind.
I don't like the archaism, actually. To me, it's too stilted. Thy, of course, dosen't mean "me", as I believe you mentioned earlier, but is the possessive form of "thou" meaning you. Thus, in referring to "thy", you are essentially referring to a you. I appreciate this poem for the depth conveyed, and yet something tells me that even you are unsure of what you are trying to say here. This is my paraphrase:
Do not turn away from me
Just because you are different
Share the beauty of your soul;
allow others to feel.
I'm sure I'm wrong. That's simply the best I can do.
One that I wrote and posted a while ago:
a most strange spectacle;
to behold the stars,
glimmering.
the withered clouds’ corpses
dance august.
To reach for the stars;
a most stupendous ideal
but to reach with grubby hands,
even more so.
Thanks for the review, Evi.
But no, that's not quite what I mean. xD
Kirsten! It is not at all evil for you to request another review; that's what my thread is for.
Alright, so I agree with Adna about not capitalizing every line. That would leave only the first and third line capitalized. Also, I think that the semi-colon at the end of the first line needs to be a comma instead. I'm no grammar expert, but the second line is not an entire sentence by itself. Subordinate clause, methinks. Whatever it is, here is my suggested re-write:
Feed not on thy soul,
for it follows not convention.
Render me with your colours,
and keep me near the wind.
I think that you can replace the 'thy soul' in the second sentence with 'it'. That's what pronouns are for, anyway: to keep things from becoming repetitive.
As for philosophy, I epic fail with super-deep meaning and such.
And I repeat, I epic fail with philosophy. The first two lines seem like you're asking someone close to you not to take you for granted just because you are different, which gives us the impression that perhaps this person you're talking to isn't exactly the nicest person. But then the second two lines, you are asking the same person (I presume) to let their colors touch your soul while keeping you cose enough to the wind/sky that you can take flight and leave if ever you want to.
You're telling someone hat, even though you're different, you want to be touchable and you want to be able to escape to freedom?
Ugh. Sorry if I completely messed up your meaning. Good job, though! I liked how you put such complexity into four tiny lines.
~Evi
Nope
You're very good at guessing though
Oh, I've learned something new today!
Archaic is it? Cool.
That was a really good idea, sorry for not knowing and trying to change it. Well, if it's not a rainbow,
It think I know.
'Don't take away who I am,
Because I am different.
Instead, help me, make me better,
But let me remember the sound of leaving, running away.
I translated your poem into words that I thought they meant. But this is philosophical as you said, let me take it down another step.
So, you are talking about how you are shy and unique. That when you meet someone, you want to stay the same and not want them to change you. Maybe the author is being selfish by this. She/he wants to stay near the wind because they like to have the option of always going?
I'm probably wrong, but correct me if I am.
This poem has my attention now, I want to find out what it means, but let me get it, don't tell me.
Thanks for the reviews Jon and Adna. xD
Jon - Rainbow. Hmm... good guess, but not quite. Actually, reading it over it sounds quite like it's about a rainbow, but it's not.
Ah, the thy situation:
In the first two lines I use thy evidently being the possessive of me, or, to put it in simpler terms - my.
Then, in the last two lines I use me, which is not the same as thy, because thy means my, and me is not archaic.
So the first two lines are in archaic style, and the last two in normal language.
Just a style I was trying out.
Good guess about the rainbow, but no, it's not about a rainbow.
~Kirsten
In the first line you should consider putting in 'my' instead of 'thy' I say this because you have that in the second. Change it up a bit.
Really, there isn't much to say about this. It's really, really, tiny.
Although, I think it might be about a rainbow?
I haven't a clue.
Good little piece you have here.
---Jon---
This didn't sound to me like you were talking about accepting people as they are. I take it that's a good thing? =)
I really don't have a lot to comment on for this poem. It's short, and somewhat simple, but it's the kind of poem that makes me read it slowly, focusing in on the individual words as much as the poem as a whole. I think that's good for short poetry; it holds the attention longer than it would if you just read it through and were done.
"For thy soul follows not convention."
I think you should change the order of your words in this line. I understand the more formal feel you want to give the poem. However, I don't think the unusual word order is necessary, and it makes your meaning fuzzy and complicated. I kind of stumbled over this as I was reading. A simpler form would be better for this poem, I think. "For thy soul does not follow convention" would be better I think.
One last thing. I'd actually not capitalize every line, if I were you. I'm not against ever doing that, but I actually don't think it works well for short poetry. It doesn't really matter either way, honestly, but just thought I'd throw that in for consideration.
Good job!
Let me know if you want another review some time. =)