In a world of sameness
That acquired too much loneliness
Made separated couples worldwide
Because they all had thoughts of suicide
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, sorry for leaving you off on a somewhat confusing note in chat, but I have a couple ideas about this. Something was bothering me about the wording, but I couldn't quite figure out what, only now I've got it.
Okay, so let's cut out the loneliness line for just a second to look at this as a sentence without any prepositional phrases that could create extra confusion.
Let's look at this as a sentence: "In a world of sameness made separated couples worldwide..."
Do you see the problem now? There needs to be something more in there--as it stands, this actually is an awkward fragment that took away some of the otherwise brilliant punch of this poem. Here is a possible alternative, if this was a sentence instead of a poem:
"A world of sameness separated couples worldwide..."
YES. Actually, there. That is what I wanted. Get rid of "In" right at the beginning and "made" in the third line, and the awkwardness will be gone. Here's the new version, per my suggestion:
On second thought, you could keep the "made," but since "separated" can be a verb as well as an adjective, it's more concise to delete "made."
You could actually go a step further and delete "that" in line two and add an "and" to the following line to make it cleaner still:
Actually, yes. That version is my favorite. I didn't mean to get quite so enthusiastic about a few minor word changes, and obviously it's yours to change or not change as you see fit...I'm just so excited that I figured out WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY, since I was obviously having trouble verbalizing it via chat.
Although I'm still not sure I did a good job explaining WHY I want these changes--there's a grammatical reason that "IN a world of sadness" doesn't work with "MADE separated couples," but I'm failing as a future English teacher here, so hopefully you can hear the difference in my examples and understand well enough from that.
Blue
Okay, so phrase agreement. "In a world" is left as a dangling modifier, while "made separated couples" is left dangling without telling us WHAT made separated couples, even though I understand "a world that acquired too much loneliness" is what made separated couples.
Okay my reputation as a future English teacher is saved.Whew.
Hey, Chips here with a review!
Well, what an emotive poem you have here. I found this piece to be philosophical and very thought provoking indeed, considering its length. In this instance, the length of your poem may have worked to your advantage as there is more of a deeper focus of the topic you're trying to convey.
I have few suggestions to include in this review, hopefully they still somewhat help you.
"In a world of sameness"
This was a good bold sentence to begin with, however it lacked punctuation. You needed to add a comma after the word, "sameness", so the following line makes sense to the reader. I also found the concept of "sameness" quite intriguing, it implies the world's version of "different" equates to everyone ending up trying to stand out hence being replicas of each other.
"That acquired too much loneliness"
Here, I would have liked to see slight elaboration on the "loneliness" aspect of it, although what you have here is fine.
"Because they all had thoughts of suicide"
This was an effective lasting statement which leaves an impression on the reader and well expressed too. Punctuation comes in again, you need to end with a full stop at least.
Overall, well done on this piece. Keep writing! Hope this helped you at all.
--Chips
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
First off, I just read probably one of the best poems written on this site, in my opinion, so I'll try to do this review without being bias.
Secondly, I'm going to get my one negative out of the way, right away. I agree with IAlreadyDied, punctuation is important, and this poem doesn't have any. But honestly, it's not that big of a deal. Anybody can see that each line is its own line simply by looking at it. It doesn't take a grammar expert to figure that one out.
And thirdly...beautiful.
As far as I'm concerned, a poem does not have to be long and grand to make a point or send a message. I usually find that the opposite is true. And this piece says a lot.
It's a strange thought to think, that is, that 'sameness' can create such rifts in our lives, but it's true through and through. Our differences are what cause us to be attracted to one another. They tie us together. We rely on each other because of them. The unfortunate part is that so many people believe that the only way to attain peace is to make sure that everyone has the same thing. Everyone is 'equal.' Socialism is the key. Wait, did I just say that?
But you've done a good job of simply pointing out the underlying truth. No matter how much of the 'same' we are, there's always going to be problems. You would think that in today's age, with all of the conveniences and shortcuts and technology we have, we'd be the happiest people in history. But, like you said, everyone is thinking of suicide. It's crazy! But then...is it?
It's a rare thing, but this poem made me stop and think about my role in this problem. And I have to say, thank you. I always do that after a review, but this time it's more than just a surface thing.
Thank you LostThoery!
Accidentally re sent this...
Sarai here for a review!
Mmkay, I really liked this! Flows nicely, and has a good pattern. This is me putting my fingers to my lips and going "mwah"! Okay enough fooling around. I have a nitpick. Punctuation! You don't have to put it but I think it would make it look better, either way, it's a beautiful poem.
Keep writing,
Sarai.
P.S. Mitchel is awesooooooome. Okay, bye. Lol.