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Young Writers Society



Crush

by Los3rLov3


It’s almost Valentine’s day! I’ve been counting down since December. You see I made a card for my crush. It’s Ninth grade so if it isn’t impressive you’d be more than just embarrassed. This card had to be perfect, each little color, every script letter, everything! This girl and I go way back. Her name is Lily, Ahh the word just follows smoothly out of your mouth doesn’t it? Anyway, Lily and I grew up together. Our Mums are best friends and they live together. It would be hard for us not to be at least friends. She was the best friend you could ever ask for! It was around seventh grade that I realized I might have liked her. My mind started to scramble in her presence. I realized then I was cursed with a crush. In my defense she is beautiful, kind, and smart. She has strawberry blonde hair that goes down to her mid back. Her eyes are blue as the sky with grey clouds in the center. Her skin was pale, most people said it was odd but I thought it was the perfect shade for her. She wasn’t overweight or very skinny, it was a nice mix. I’ve finally convinced myself that I had to tell her, or it’d be too late. Of course because of her beauty she wasn’t exactly the kid with no friends, she was in middle school I guess people were blind then. Derek, his name just sounds evil doesn’t it? He was always nice, but with Lily he was too nice. So it’s now or never.

Today, it’s here, Valentine's day! It was a bright day, so of course it had to be sunday. Lily’s sister, Liv, was throwing a party. She invited everyone, even Derek. Oh shut up, you’d be mad too if they love of your life might be stolen by some guy, he isn’t even that hot. I was getting ready, I got my best clothes on. White sneakers, black skinny jeans, my lucky shirt with a red heart on it, and finally a white baseball hat. Lily always loved my lucky shirt. It was around seven O’clock, cars were appearing. My room was the basement so no one ever came down here. I fixed my hair, and everything else out of order. I stayed in my room until there was a nice amount of people here. I walked up and searched through the crowd for Lily holding my card in an envelope. “S’up Brandon,” Dang it, I was stopped by Thomas. “Hey, have you seen Lily?” He looked at me and thought for a second. “Yeah, I just walked past her in the living room,” I nodded and walked to the living room. You know I swear, sometimes Thomas’s brown hair should have been at least dirty blonde. “Dang it,” I said under my breath. I didn’t see her anywhere. “Crap, Lily where are you?” I looked through out the whole house, not a trace. I thought maybe I could just leave the card on her dresser. “Perfect!” I went upstairs, passing drunk couples, or not, trying to find a bedroom. I went down the hallway and found Lily’s room. The door was cracked open, I peered through. I saw Derek.

“Damn it!” I looked more to see what they were doing. They were kissing, by now my heart dropped passed my feet and first floor, and landed in my room. I noticed Lily, she was struggling to break free. “Yes!” I was so happy she didn’t like him. I had to save her, she seemed really upset. I opened the door and walked over to a shirtless Derek, restraining Lily. I could see Lily’s cry for help just in her eyes. I grabbed Lily out of his grip and tossed her on her bed so she wouldn’t get hurt. Without thinking I punched Derek right in his jaw. I peered over to Lily who looked horrified. I pushed him out of her room and locked her door. I went to her bed slowly. She stood up and hopped in my arms. “I-I couldn’t thank you more,” Lily’s words escaped her mouth between sobs. I held her close and kissed her head, “You alright Lily? You seem shaken up,” She look up at me with her innocent look, then smiled. “I’m alright Brandon, thank you,” she buried her head in my chest. After a few moments I picked her up wedding style and sat on her bed with her in my arms. I kissed her forehead. “Wow!” I screamed in my head, my dream seemed to be slowly coming true. I reached for my card nervously. “What’s that, wait, is that a card?” I smiled and handed her the envelope. She giggled, oh it was adorable! Lily slowly opened it, my heart skipped a beat as she took out the card with her gentle hands.



“Brandon!” She exclaimed, “This is so beautiful!” I smirked, “Just like you” Lily blushed at my comment. It was so cute, she attempted to hide her face. The paper was a light shade of pink, as it was opened a heart popped out seeming 3-D. On the card it read, “On this day of sweets I would get a cavity but you’re sweet enough.” that was the main part, on the sides and background it had all sorts of compliments. “Close the card and look at the back” I told Lily. There was a dark read heart, in the middle it said “I absolutely hate being your best friend, I much rather be your boyfriend” Lily looked at me dumbfounded. “Brandon” She only said my name. Her eyes filled with tears then she hid in my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, rubbing her back. A minute passed by slowly. She looked up at me, then whispered the words, “Yes”


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279 Reviews


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Thu Feb 11, 2016 2:00 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hi!

I like to first say welcome to YWS.

In the beginning of this short story, it feels a bit cliche. Like most love stories, they are suppose to feel like that but I think you can expand more onto it. You have a nice background story about the two friends, but it seems to be just sentences. Some of these sentences could be easily run together, to form something more.

An example:

Spoiler! :
"...This girl and I go way back. Her name is Lily, Ahh the word just follows smoothly out of your mouth doesn’t it? Anyway, Lily and I grew up together. Our Mums are best friends and they live together. It would be hard for us not to be at least friends. She was the best friend you could ever ask for!"


After

Spoiler! :
"Lily and I grew up together since our mothers lived together and were best friends. It would be hard for us to not be friends, and is the greatest friend I can ask for.


The corrections I made are for the following reasons. As I said before, there seems to be fragmented sentences. Try re-reading it in your head, and aloud, to pick out the pieces that can easily be read. That way when the reader is reading it, they can stop and start easily. ^^

Also, there are just big chucks with dialogue. If I remember correctly, when writing dialogue, you should have a new sentence with it. Adding some feeling, wouldn't hurt either. ;)
The kissing scene between Lily and Derek seem unrealistic. It doesn't have that feeling of love between the two (as I think Derek and Lily aren't in love). Anyway. I have mixed feelings towards the narrator and Lily's love for a reason: it feels fake and rushed. Although he does save her from Derek, the scene where he punches him seems... far fetched. However, I do see potential in this no less. I think, if you write another story with these two characters, you should definitely expand on what happens in the future.
Will Derek come back and fight Brandon? Will Lily love Brandon? Some questions that can be asked when reading this.

Overall, this was something nice for valentines day. As I said before, it needs some work but like all work, it can be wonderfully done.

If you like me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy




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Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:53 pm
Augustus wrote a review...



Heya!
Augustus here.
Well, this piece of yours truly deserves to become a story. I liked the simple style of your writing but you know at some places it went too straightforward. I won't be harsh here but at some places you must try to show rather than telling. Ah! Just an advice, tho'
Oh and one thing that I noted:
You know the scene where Lily was struggling to get free, Brandon was happy first. Of course I know the reason for that expression. But..somewhere I felt like it wasn't presented in right manner. Of course, its your work but as a reader I thought I should express, what I didn't felt right.
So, fellow writer I liked what you've written all in all.
Hope to read more from you in future. Good luck.
Augustus~




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Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:58 am
Cynder wrote a review...



AWWWWWW!! So adorable!! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, you should make a story out of it. I loved how pure it is, and I think you did a very good job of conveying the idea of a crush pretty well. However, if you were to make it into a story, I would give you a few pointers. First, as even I still must learn, show rather than tell. Here's telling,

"I moved my arm this way, I made a card like this, this was her reaction."
It's pretty bland and boring, yeah? Now showing is where you, as a writer, get to really dig in and make your readers feel exactly how you want them to feel. So for example,
"Her cheeks adopted a reddish hue that made my heart race, and her eyes gleamed with beauty and glee. I felt the bone-jarring impact my fist made against his iron-hide jaw,"
and so much more. Utilize all you have, and the impact on your reader will be more than you could imagine. Not to mention, to be really proud of something you write is a gift in itself, so the effort put in is well worth it when you can look back and go "I did good." You don't have to take my advice, but if you do... PLEASE, please, please, send me a PM if you make this into a story. I want to read it first if you write it. All in all, well done my friend, and keep writing. You seem kinda new, so I hope everyone has been welcoming. Good job :)
~Cynder out.





Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides