Out in a plane of darkness, there was nothing. It was dreary and without hope. Flat rolling planes are spread far and wide in the great emptiness. All was the same and without anything new. There was no place for happiness or creativity. The only thing one could meet was a sheet of utter black. Seamless and looming, it terrifies all those who draw near. It stands serene and immovable, whispering doubt to one's mind. Many have come and many have left, but all wish to stay. Many aspire to reach it and many will fail. Suddenly, out from the gloom a group starts to muster. They come from all directions all far and wide with but one goal. That is to reach and gaze upon the sheet of black. They came together in a large mob and sat perfectly still, looking up at the great wall. They themselves unaware why they were truly there. Without warning, before the great crowd, the sheet splits. Its halves hover in opposite directions. They slide smoothly, with but a slight sound. The crowd’s apprehension grew ever so high. Such a thing was unprecedented. It revealed the quite peculiar spectacle. A great, daunting platform is revealed before them. A great stark light blasts upon the platform. The platform is made with sturdy wood that happens to clash with every element with the outside world. Everyone in the crowd before the platform shudders, not with fear of it, but with the great abnormality of it. A great tranquility settled on the stage. It appeared a pedestal where only the great will stand. Out from the side came a stir. A young boy came striding out. His attire was simple but showed purpose. His face was covered with a mask hiding is true features. He stood out on the center stage for the crowd to see. The boy looked out past the stage and saw nothing but dark. He could see their faces nor interpret their emotions. The crowd thought in many different ways. All wanted to show their voices filled with differing emotion. All claimed complete following of the others. To show oneself upon that terrific stage meant that his inner soul would be known to all who view. One's soul would be at the mercy of the crowd. Their judgements could strike like a hammer or a feather on the soul. The boy regained his resolve and stood as high and tall as possible. He showed his intentions, and took off his mask. His name was proclaimed loud and clear. Tom.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
This work definitely sounds ominous and intriguing! The language and wording gives the piece the same feeling of purpose we see in the boy, Tom.
I only have two discrepancies, you mentioned Suddenly twice and quite close to each other, I'd switch out the word just so it doesn't sound repetitive and distract from the curious atmosphere you've worked up.
The second is the amount of long words in some sentences. They are fantastic for getting the vibe that you want across but too many in one sentence means they can sometimes cancel each other out. Keep an eye on it and don't dive for the longer and more specific words too often, it can sometimes put reader's off - and we want you to have loads!
Fantastic job building up atmosphere and curiosity in such a small piece. I'm intrigued to find out what will happen to this bold fellow Tom! Very well done.
Keep up the good work!
Hi! This is one of my first reviews so pardon me if it's not the best
I love this! Very intriguing. However, I do have many points to make regarding grammar and sentence structure. You may want to replace "unmovable" with "immovable" to make it sound better, but that may just be me. The line "without nothing new" is confusing or just a grammatical error, so you should maybe replace that with something else or correct it to "without anything new". The sentence "They come from all directions all in with one goal, that is to reach and gaze upon the sheet of black." needs a bit of revision. I think the "in" was a typo? Idk. Also, to improve the grammar and structure of the sentence I think you should rephrase it to something like "They come from all directions with the one goal of reaching and gazing upon the monstrous sheet of black." Another point on grammar and structure- you should combine two sentences into "All gazed expectantly up at the great wall, they themselves unsure of why they were there." to fix the incomplete sentence. In the next sentence, I would replace "a" with "the". In the sentence "It revealed a quite peculiar spectacle." I love the wording, but I think "very" or "exceedingly" or "extremely" would fit better than "quite". Where it says "He couldn't see the faces nor ther thoughts.", saying "He could see neither their faces nor their thoughts." However, the sentences confuses me a bit- how would he see their thoughts? So maybe either elaborate or just cut out that sentence to make it easier on the readers. Other than grammar and sentence structure, the only revisions I would make would be making the whole thing either past of present tense instead of going back and forth between them. Great piece though! Very enigmatic and awe-inspiring. Keep writing!
Thanks for the advice! I will admit my grammar skills are quite bad, and I only gave this a few quick glance overs. A lot of your points are very good points and make me want to revise it. Anyway thanks a lot and have a great day.
No problem! You too
Greetings writer and a good tomorrow.
I always begin with a compliment of the work. You have a gift of description and you paint a picture in the most amazing way. You leave your reader with the same sense of wonder and awe that those described in your story share. The way that you build suspense is masterful and you craft your build up very well.
As for places that need some improvement. To be honest, this story has me quite confused. I understand that there is some reason for this stage and that the darkness is the curtain being pulled back. You have a great build up. And you make it all the way up and then...nothing. Your climax drops off the face of the earth.
I also felt that you left out what exactly the challenge was. The boy comes on stage with a mask then takes it off and his name is "proclaimed loud and clear." So what exactly is the challenge? What was supposed to happen?
You're use of description is amazing, but there seems to be no climax. I hope that this helps.
Happy Writing!