Clickity-clack. Button A. Button B. The monotony of work puts a drain on my soul.I sit in my stiff chair suffering the eternity of time. The world does not change and never will. At least not for me. My eye is dead intent on the hand moving in a circular motion. It nears its destination ever so closely. Closer. Closer. “Time to go home guys” .The words spoken by a grumbling, hoarse voice (not unlike my own) resounded like a heavenly harp in my ears. I get out of my workplace as fast as humanely possible. That is without embarrassing me. I find myself striding down the gray sidewalk, already dreading the next day. All of the sudden, my existence begins to shift. The world seemingly is emptied into a vacuum. My thought and reason is expelled into the void with the world. The world begins to shift and change with a new one replacing the old .Great spires took from the ground with shimmering sides reflecting the rest of the world. Lanes of blackness covered the ground in a perpendicular fashion. As I sat trying to grasp the reality of the situation, a machine races by. It is made out of thing gangly metal rods with a spinning reflection. I realize that the machine (as well as I) rest upon a slate rock with colorful speckles in it. I hear a loud but dull whirring sound as several great beasts chase each other. They are hunched over with no limbs but still with the ability to move at terrifying speeds. They all have different colors all conflicting with each other and with no pattern. All of these oddities start to overwhelm me. My grasp on the physical world begins to slip more and more. Nothing is as I know it. There are no words, thoughts, or experience that can be used to rationalize this place. My soul and heart start to burn with the desire for peace and to leave this wretched place. My mind cannot handle this place any longer, I must escape.I close my eyes in an effort to not have to admit that this place is the new world. I cry out with all my effort to leave this world and restore my sanity. As I open my eyes, I am met with the old city with the same old people. The passersby stare at me like they would any insane hobo they saw. I gaze around in shock at the return of realism. I start to trudge home barely able to understand what had happened to me. People in cars and bicycles come past me on the sidewalk next to the road with the giant skyscrapers all around.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi!
I really enjoyed this story you've written. I thought the way you approached things, using a descriptive tone instead of a general storyteller tone, was very neat.
Some things I would suggest are to read through and replace some "common" words with slightly more descriptive words to really help set the scene you have in mind. Another suggestion would be to, as another reviewer mentioned, chop up your big block of text into paragraphs. You could even turn this into a poem if you wanted. Try messing around with breaking up the text into different sections until you find a rhythm you like. You have a lot of simple sentences, which works if that is what you're going for, but try to combine some to get smoother transitions from topic to topic.
I did enjoy the story all together and the concept you were trying to achieve. Try lacing some underlying details throughout the story so the more times you read it, the more you discover. This will help keep the story intriguing to the audience, even after a few read throughs.
The ending, personally, was not satisfying, but I thought it worked well with the style you were writing in. It was very realistic, very humanized.
Overall, I really enjoyed it! I hope I could help in some ways. Keep writing!
Hello!
I'm here to review this work, to get it out of the green room. As I know, you were trying to use the descriptive technique for writing the story. It seems you taken the approach well, but it doesn't feel like a story or something much like a story. It just feels like words together, strung by a feeble string. It doesn't have that strong feeling of grasping onto the reader. Although it does seem to have a strong beginning, which can lead onto a suitable start of a novel or story. I'm confused at where this story is going, as well. Also, as the reviewer below me mentioned a good point: when writing, try separating some of the chunks since for a reader, it'll be a lot easier when they read it.
I do like, however, the idea you have here. I tried to write something like this but it didn't quite work well. On the topic of your idea, I feel that it is a bit cliche. Which isn't a bad thing, necessarily but I feel you can elaborate more on your idea.
Overall, I enjoyed this little thing. But as I said before, try making it more open for the reader.
Sorry for the short review, and if you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Hello! My name is Emily and I'll be reviewing your work today. My main critique is the lack of paragraphs. For many readers, looking at a big block of text overwhelms the brain. You lose your place, and it just gets confusing. To help, remember the device Tip Top. Start a new paragraph every time there is a new
TIme
Place
TOpic
Person
Another general critique is word choice. One example I pulled is "People in cars and bicycles come past me". Come is not a super descriptive word. You rely on these milk-toast words a lot in this piece, and replacing them with stronger ones will strengthen the imagery.
"I get out of my workplace as fast as humanely possible. That is without embarrassing me."
The second sentence is a sentence fragment, by replacing the period with a comma you can make the phrases grammatically correct without changing the meaning.
I hope it helped! Keep writing!