Young Writers Society

Car rides are so much worse as the driver </3

Anyway, I think writing about things you personally dislike is really nice. Reflecting on areas you typically don't write about is one of the things I recommend people do at least once in their lives because it's stepping out of a comfort zone while still being in control. You chose to write about car rides, which is similar to the rest of your poetry due to it being focused on one subject and adding on more and more. It is similar enough to be recognizable as your poetry while also being refreshing because it's a new experience for you.

There's the personality in it with "traffic / *nausea / barf" that lists what happens; it's pretty simple, but gets the job done with explaining and setting the example for the rest of poem. I do believe there could be more build up about what happens before the car ride, or even going into further detail with the car sickness and how that can change the rest of the travel. Now, car sickness is not a thing to mess around with because the smell of barf lingers in whatever it touches, so that can be another potential aspect to play with.

I also feel the same way about "anything to get out of the car" because there isn't much beforehand showing why the car is such a terrible place. Of course, the car sickness is a very big factor into why, but what about legs cramping due to sitting for too long? Sharing a rather small space with many people? Or just boredom in general because I find that to be one of the worst parts along with the other things mentioned.

Without all of that extra detail, the poem could basically end at the first few lines and still have get the same point across. I agree with the other reviewers about how the destination segment of the poem being disconnected from the rest as well, so I won't say much more on that subject as everything has already been suggested in a neat way.

And that's about all I have to say here ~ nicely done!

Cheers! <3

Hello there! I enjoyed this poem, and as someone who's been on plenty of long road trips, I can definitely relate to it quite a bit. The poem's format is enjoyable to read; I liked how each of the lines were very focused and how they appealed to the reader's thought and emotions. Being tired and excited to reach a destination - or stop - on a lengthy car ride is certainly something most everyone has felt before. Great job capturing that in your poem! I love the excitement found in the narrator within the lines, "Halleluiah! We're here!"

Overall, great work at crafting your poem!

~Spider~

Hi LordMomo! I'm here to leave you a review.

First of all, I agree with everything that Efuellia said, especially about punctuation and stanzas.

I can relate to this poem. You have a subject that a lot of people have experienced, and you describe it to the reader. It follows a timeline, and it's logically organized. You even have some nice imagery when you talk about the moonlight!

That being said, the thing that I noticed the most about your poem is that it's a series of events, but doesn't really have an epiphany in it. Good poems have epiphanies in them, whether the narrator has an epiphany, or someone else does, or the reader is supposed to have an epiphany. A realization about something. A new idea. An epiphany could even be the narrator or the reader realizing how important this scene is, even though it's from daily life. How you can implement this in your poem is maybe making the scene in the car longer, and having the narrator come to the realization that they're going to be carsick. Since this poem is called car ride, maybe have the narrator worry about getting to their destination while battling carsickness, and then arriving, and they realize that their worry was unfounded. Something. This piece lacks tension-- so make some up!

I also find it interesting that the car ride portion is so short, considering the poem's title. Definitely flesh that out. Otherwise, consider changing the title to something more like "destination!"

Using a specific place is an interesting choice. I feel like you could actually bring us into the world of the narrator more by describing what Biden Welcome Center is like. Use your five senses in the poem. What does the narrator touch when they step through the doors? Do they push open a cool glass door to enter? Or do they hear the quiet hum of electricity as the automatic doors open in front of them? What does the narrator smell? Go through the senses and try to bring the reader into the world of the poem.

My favorite part of the poem is the end. I like the detail of the key card, and that the narrator "wobbles" to the room. Just that word does a great job of conveying how tired and weak the narrator is feeling after their long journey.

I'm excited to see what you do with the next draft of this piece! Let me know if you have any questions. I'll be happy to answer them. Happy YWSing!

Hello! So I really like the theme of this, and I find it very relatable. I too, am not the biggest fan of car rides especially long ones.
So to get started, the first this I notice was that the capitalization seemed a tad bit random, at first it is all lower case, but then as it progresses there are some lines that start with a capital.
Another thing is that at the end there are 4 lines that are very disconnected and different all of the sudden
"The path to
The door
I grab the
Key card"
Making each sentence on two lines makes it a little harder to read and it interupts the flow of the poem.
This poem is in one big stanza, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but seperating the text can be very powerful as it adds organization to the poem.
I noticed that there isn't really much punctuation execpt for the line
"We're here!"
Like stanzas, it isn't necessary to have much or any of it but it has a very big affect on how the reader perceives the poem. For this poem I would recommend to put in more commas and periods.
For example,
"car ride
i hate it "
or
"car ride,
i hate it."
Now again this is just a suggestion and if that is not what you want your poems to look like, feel free to ignore it.
The last thing would be the grammer. The grammer in this poem doesn't make a lot of sense, but that isn't really a bad thing. I think it helps the reader get the feeling of the car ride.
You did spell hallelujah with a "L" instead of a J though, but that would be the only other thing.

Remember that I am not a professional by any means and that all things mentioned are simply advice from a person that isn't that good at poetry, so please do not take offence with anything that I said.