Published April 29, 2014
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 11th
Are you alright, Finn? You don’t sound great.
Remember, you can talk to me about anything, ok? Please…
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
May 12th
Wow, I’m sorry about that. I was just feeling terrible when I wrote that. Things are a bit better now, Cody finally broke down when Mum started crying about how she couldn’t lose him like she’d lost Dad. They ended up sobbing and hugging together. He seems better now, but you never know.
Mainly what’s better is I met this girl.
Her name’s Sasha, and I met her when I was in the library when I was reading the Cather in the Rye for about the fifteenth time. She asked if she could sit down, and I said an awkward yes. We talked about Cather in the Rye for the whole lunch. She’s beautiful, with long brown hair and these really cute dimples. Sasha said she really liked the poem I wrote, and we talked about that as well.
So maybe she’s the Gabriel for me… J
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 13th
Looks like someone has a crush! I’m glad, you sounded really down in the dumps for a while there. So, since you’ve found a girl, I’ll tell you about Gabriel.
We ride to school together now, on separate bikes but I meet him at The Flats and we usually just walk our bikes and talk. He tells me about his brother, Ty and how in the end he just went crazy. Was on drugs on stuff.
But he said he used to be this really great guy, and he misses him a lot. I tell him about Mum and Dad, and how bad they get sometimes. I told him about that one day in Year Five when I got so upset I ran away from home. They caught up with me pretty quickly.
He’s a brilliant listener, Gabriel. Much like you I guess, though I guess you have to be since we talk over email…
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
May 14th
It’s funny, it’s like where having a secret relationship or something over these emails…
Anyway, Sasha. She hangs out with the superficial group of girls in my class, but she says she wants to be an architect when she’s older. When she’s around her friends she acts really dumb, talking about boys and stuff. If it’s just us two in the library though she tells me all about her dreams, and she pulls out her favourite notebook which is packed with all these architectural drawings and designs, and tells me she likes to draw buildings and that maths is her favourite subject.
But she’s got a boyfriend. His name’s Arnold Garner but everyone calls him Puck. He’s this pretty beefy kid, who’s obsessed with his appearance. Seriously, I’ve seen him the bathroom adding spit to his hair to keep it jelled.
I don’t know why she goes out with him, he’s a complete douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous.
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 13th
So, guess what. Gabriel asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend.
We were sitting on the bench that separates The Flats from the road. He invited me over because he needed help with his History homework. And just like that, he looked at me with those silvery-green eyes and said;
“Do you wanna be my girlfriend?” With all seriousness. I was too stunned to react at first so I just kind of stared at him like an idiot.
“If you don’t want to, or just stay friends, that’s cool.” Gabriel said hastily, his pale cheeks turning a delicate red.
“I would, Gabriel.” I said, blushing equally as much. I just kind of stared down at my swinging legs for a while before he said something.
“I really like you Daisy.” He said. I looked over at him and it was like I saw him for the first time. I know it sounded cliché but, I think in that moment I liked him more than I’d liked anyone in my entire life.
Everyone at school knows where sort of together now, and there’s this special treatment whenever there’s a couple. You get your own table, and it’s sort of the law that you sit with the other couples. We don’t really. I just sit at my normal table with Kat and Annabel, but Gabriel sits next to me.
Maybe I’ll marry him someday, Finn. Maybe we’ll have cute little baby’s with green-silver eyes and ink-black hair. They’d be able to draw and be really musical. So that’s it for my sappy love story, anything new on Sasha?
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
May 14th
Daisy Laidman, in a relationship?
Puck keeps her too himself a lot of the time, but I spend lunch with her, just in the library. We talk a lot about books and the future. Sasha says that she’s going to movie out when she’s seventeen, because her parents are never around, always on business or something.
She got me thinking about the future, and what I want to be when I’m older. I like to write, and English is my best subject, so maybe an author or a journalist. To be honest, all I can think about is right not.
The counsellor’s name is Ms Harding. She’s around sixty I think, with dyed red hair and a blaring purple t-shirt that doesn’t seem to fit her quite right.
I hate her. More than I hate Puck, more than I hate Cody. She always starts off the session by asking what my happy meters on at the moment, and I swear to god I feel like punching her. I always say the same thing, a 7. She tuts every time I say that as if she wanted something juicier than just a ‘7’. Then she goes on and talks about all this positive energy crap and how if you just imagine a positive day, it’ll be one. Bullshit, I mean Ed had plenty of visit’s to the counsellor before he killed himself and if she was actually good at making people feel better, he wouldn’t have shot himself.
Sasha says that I need to let go of Ed, because it wasn’t my fault that he killed himself. I nod and say ‘sure’ but I know he’ll always be with me. That little corner of my brain that he owns, telling me every time I see his desk, that he was once my best friend.
His funeral is on Monday, so in a few days. Do you want to go with me? I just feel like I need someone there with me, you know? It’s at twelve o’clock at Graham’s.
I know it’s a fair distance from St. Clays, so if it’s too much you don’t have to go.
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 13th
I’ll be there Finn, don’t worry. I’m going camping with Dad for the weekend though, so I won’t be able to talk until Monday.
Until then, good luck with everything and I’ll see you on Monday.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi again!
Baby's should be babies.
Zontafer got pretty much all the nitpicks, so that gives me a break.
First off, I noticed something about the dates. It goes back a forth between May 14th and May 13th. I 99.99% sure that's not possible unless they go back in time? Or, there could be another reason and I'm just stupid. xD
Also, Deanie mentioned this, but there weren't really any replies. I was looking forward to maybe a small paragraph or too. You have a couple sentences thrown in there as replies, but not much.
I can't wait for them to meet up again! I really love how this is switching back and forth from emails to real life. And the emotion in here is great! It seems a little hard to get emotion into emails. Not that hard, but harder than just telling a story.
I don't have much for this chapter. Once again, great job!
WillowPaw1~
Hey there, it's me again for the next chapter!
I guess it just goes to show that all relationships don't work out naturally and just like that. So I thought that addition there was very realistic! Looks like things are going well for Daisy and Gabriel there...
I think this is a good continuation of the story so far. You've been hinting at another real life meeting for Ed's funeral and I wonder how that is going to go... Probably will end up with Daisy needing to comfort him at some point. I also feel pretty bad for Finn with the girl he finally found already being in a relationship
I have to say here, biggest understatement ever! I mean, your best friend tells you that sometimes he feels suicidal, he can't sleep and he is blaming himself for every and you say he is kind of feeling in the dumps? Also... Daisy says when she hears this, "Come talk to me anytime." What I don't like about this is the fact that Finn is already talking to her by saying what is on his mind. You really need to get her to say something more, like maybe you should try the counselor and see if she actually has something useful to say? Talk to your friends about missing him too but reassure him it isn't his fault and that he shouldn't feel the need to do anything to himself! Anything more than just, ooh I'm glad that little panic is over!
Another point is, at the beginning of this chapter they seem to kind of be swapping love stories. I feel like they need to have more of a response to each other. Because after Daisy says hers, instead of a comment coming from Finn he just moves on to tell his story, and again Daisy doesn't comment on what he says, just moves on to her news. I know it's because the love on both sides is the main focus at this point, but it would be nice to see what they are thinking of each others stories. It also seems more realistic when it comes to writing emails to friends.
Hmm in this chapter Finn mentions that he knew Ed was seeing a counselor before he committed suicide! That means Finn must've definitely knew something serious was up when Ed was kind of pushing off of them, which makes me wonder why Finn didn't say anything or ask before? I suggest, to make it kind of feel like Finn was completely left in the dark, for you to not mention that he knew Ed went to a counselor. Makes more sense to the story line.
I am looking forwards to hearing more from this story! It's a new and interesting format, and I am quite liking it! Message me on my wall when there is another chapter posted and I will definitely hop to it
Deanie x
Hello! Zontafer here to review your work.
First I'll tell you that I have never reviewed emails, so this will be interesting!
Nitpicks
'Where' in these sentences should be 'we're'.
The 'J'?
I think this should either be '...brother Ty, and...' or '...brother, Ty, and...'. '...drugs on stuff.' should also be '...drugs and stuff.'.
I think this would be more effective written as '...it'll be one. Bullshit. I mean, Ed had...'.
'said' sounds a bit awkward, I'd suggest you to write something like '...and I responded with an awkward yes.'
It seems like you went back and forth with 13th May and 14th May, did they skip a year or something?
You also seem to switch between present tense and past tense, but I don't know the rules for this in emails.
Content
This is my first time reading a story in emails, and wow, I really liked it!
You weren't too descriptive, and had new things constantly.
To be honest, I didn't get bored for one second of your story.
I really liked the 'back-and-forth' between each person, telling them about what they've experienced lately.
I want to find out more and more about the characters as I read further on. I liked the flow of this one, it was just so good.
The length of each email is just perfect for the reader to keep on reading and not get bored
I hope to see more of these emails stories from you!
Great piece!
- Zontafer
aer123 review time!
It is an interesting story you got going here! The opening is quite captivating, as I haven't read the first three chapters. It means that I don't know what relationship the two characters are in; and in turn makes me wanting to know more. You get that part done excellently.
My first comment is that when you make a reference to a book the character has read you should put those in, 'inverted commas', so that the reader knows it is a name of an object and not a place or location.
That bit about, 'an awkward yes', could be phrased better: for example, 'an awkward-yes', just so as to emphasise the tone more. As a reader would notice that more, and take it into consideration and most probably think back to his own memory of such an occasion.
At the end where you used, '... and I swear to god', god is spelt God, when referring to the god as one specifically, and not as one inside a group of different gods.
Spelling as one way a reader will feel enticed to read, and when errors such as the above appear they might see you, the writer, as incompetent. Good vocabulary is very useful in conveying a message through to the reader, as it gives him a sense of reality and, most importantly, meaning.
Otherwise your story was well written, and a nice memory to the old school days when every teacher was annoying!
Yours truly,
aer123