Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Romantic

12+ Language Mature Content

Let's Talk Chapter 3

by LordGreenleaf


“So, are you like ok?” Daisy said tentatively as they walked down the busy road. The movie had been pretty crap, but Finn seemed to like it, though maybe it was just to avoid talking Ed. Finn thrust his hands into his pockets, not meeting my eyes.

“I don’t know, I just don’t know. I’m all muddled up right now.” He said.

“Look, if you want to talk to me about anything, just like talk to me, ok?” Daisy said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Finn nodded, still not quite meeting her eyes.

“So, Gabriel, huh?” He said. Was there an edge to his voice? Daisy thought, sneaking a quick glance at Finn. He was looking at her with those eyes, the ones she’d told everything too, and something about them made her want to tell him everything.

“He asked me out, to the Music Festival on Saturday.” Daisy said. Finn smiled, and it was reassuring because it was a clear and happy one.

“That’s awesome! You should totally go!” He said. Daisy nodded, she’d been so stoked when he asked her, but the whole thing with Ed had made her feel strangely guilty.

“You think?” Daisy asked. Finn nodded, pulling a hand through his hair.

“Totally, I mean you like the guy, right?” He asked, eyes alight with curiosity. She did, he was mysterious and kind and had a brilliant taste in music, but she liked Finn a lot as well.

“Yeah, but I don’t know, I just wanted to make sure you were ok with it.” Daisy said, regretting it as soon as it came out of her mouth. Finn looked confused for a minute but nodded.

“Hey, look, report to me how it goes, ok?” He said, “I’ve got to go, the train ride’s like three hours long, and if I want to be in time for dinner I better scoot.” Finn said. Daisy hugged him, feeling the warmth radiate from his skin.

“Email me, k?” She asked, as he took step back.

“You bet.” He winked, the turned around and Daisy watched his denim-clad legs disappear into the maze of pedestrians.

*

To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com

Sender: finncleever@gmail.com

May 10th

So, how’d it go with Gabriel?

The counsellor calls me in a lot, just to talk about stuff. She seems frustrated by my answers, but I don’t care. Not in like a rebel way, I just really have no interest in what she thinks of me. I’ve been ignoring everyone at school. Tyler’s gone to the jocks and I mainly just hang out in the library, reading.

Mum got really pissed at me for staying out so late. It was past nine by the time I got home and she completely blew her top. I think she was taking her anger out on me because Cody’s being a douche to her about being so strict. She cries a lot.

Have you read the Cather In The Rye? I would highly recommend it.

To: finncleever@gmail.com

Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com

May 10th

No, I haven’t. I’ll borrow it.

Yeah, it was really fun. We just walked around mainly, talking. Gabriel’s hilarious. I mean, there’s just so much stuff I didn’t know about him. He does live in The Flats, but he said that there not too bad as long as you know your way around. He said that he hates St. Clarks, too many rich kids that think they know everything.

And then when everyone was packing up, Gabriel got up on stage and borrowed his friend’s guitar. He played this really beautiful song, an original and he has a beautiful voice.

He asked if I wanted to ride to school with him, and to meet him at The Flats.

I really like him, Finn. I know that sounds dumb, but he’s different to anyone I’ve ever met.

To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com

Sender: finncleever@gmail.com

May 11th

Ahh, so he’s alternative?

School was ok. We had English, and our teacher got us to all to write a poem. Any subject, but it had to be meaningful. I just stared at the blank page and started writing, like I don’t even remember writing it, but when I looked at the clock and back; there it was, my poem.

Here it is;

The girls you used to talk to,

The line you used to wait in,

The shoes you used to wear,

The friends you used to have.

And in a small bit of metal,

It all faded.

I still see you,

Sitting by the window,

Spying on Ashely Wilson,

Smiling that dumb grin.

Maybe there where warning signs,

But to me you were always,

Just my best friend.

So I’m sorry that I didn’t do something,

Anything,

That would have made you stay.

And then I had to read it out to the class and I started crying because I knew I wasn’t trying to read it to my class, I was trying to read it to Ed. Another visit to the counsellor, she asked me harder questions this time.

“Do you have nightmares?”

“Do you have suicidal thoughts?”

“Are you angry he didn’t say goodbye?”

And I said no too all of them, but in my head I was saying yes.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
232 Reviews


Points: 5846
Reviews: 232

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 12:21 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



I'm here! I reviewed your past two chapters and totally did not see these. Oh well, on to the review!

Nitpicks

I'll try not to repeat anything other people wrote.
So, in the first paragraph, it got really confusing. You switched point of views...? Try not to do that. ;)

He was looking at her with those eyes, the ones she’d told everything too,


Just to. Too is usually when its like "also" or "as well".

“Email me, k?” She asked, as he took step back.


Just the letter "k" reminds me of text talk. I would suggest making it like so: 'kay. This also refers to the "ok"'s you put in here. I think you should either make it OK or okay.

I really like him, Finn. I know that sounds dumb, but he’s different to anyone I’ve ever met.


The to after different doesn't make sense. Maybe "but he's more different than anyone I've ever met".

Maybe there where warning signs,


*were

Comments

Okay, so yeah, I like this idea (I've probably said this millions of times) and I love the emotion in this chapter. With Finn having to read his poem in front of the whole class then breaking... Wow! So powerful!

This is really good, on to the next chapters!

WillowPaw1~




User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Tue May 06, 2014 4:39 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Greenleaf!

So I read the chapters previous to this one just so I would know what I was writing about. I wanted to be able to understand the story. I think this is an interesting approach, the friends exchanging through emails as well as the occasional meet up. I think I like the scenes where they meet up together most, so I hope there are more of those in the future! It's also a really sad story you have there, with Ed committing suicide and his friends never knowing... And now at the end we can see it is affecting Finn a lot too... so much that he is having his own suicidal thoughts! It's quite alarming and I wonder how Daisy is going to respond to that...

I have a few nitpicks for you:

though maybe it was just to avoid talking Ed.


I think you either mean talking to Ed here, or talking about Ed.

“Look, if you want to talk to me about anything, just like talk to me, ok?”


There is a comma needed after the 'like' in this sentence.

the ones she’d told everything too


I think you mean 'to' not 'too'.

“Email me, k?” She asked, as he took step back.


You missed out the 'o' here for ok :)

Have you read the Cather In The Rye?


You mean the Catcher in the Rye...

So, my main problem with the emails is that we miss out a lot of story. Yes, you can bring across the surface of their emotions and what is happening, but it would ne nice if they also retold actual scenes or events in there day so we can see the setting more and actually experience the moment. I also think this could really be essential. So maybe, add more storytelling bits where it's needed? Like we see the world through Finn's eyes once when Ed is ditching them so we can experience his emotions and how much it hurts, and maybe even sit through one of his counseling sessions. It would make the break between emails seem like a spotlight for the events that happen in a more story-telling format, which means the readers would definitely focus on them a bit more ;)

I point out the reason above because although the emails tell us a lot about character and they way they would talk, we're missing out on setting, descriptions and emotion which I think are some essential things for making an enticing story!

Your pacing is very good though, and your dialogue flows naturally. I could easily imagine Finn and Daisy speaking like that to each other in real life.

I'll go on and read Chapter 4 now that I can see it is up! ;)

Deanie x




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 733
Reviews: 9

Donate
Mon Apr 28, 2014 11:42 pm
thelonewriter wrote a review...



Hi Lord Greenleaf, it's me: Thelonewriter. Sorry, I didn't review your second chapter. I had other projects to do so I didn't had time to get to it. So, here's my review on your third chapter.

I see that you listen to advice about not making the entire book just emails between two characters. I like that you actually get to see Daisy and Finn meet in person.

I also like that you actually went inside what was going on in Finn's head after Ed's suicide. I think how you wrote it was excellent. Quite frankly, it definitely shows that he's really grieving Ed's passing but he's not telling anyone about it. I was left wondering if Finn was really having suicidal thoughts and was planning on committing suicide.

I was also left wondering about what's going to happen in Daisy's relationship with Gabriel. Are they going to date or is she going to leave him and date Finn?

Can't wait for the next chapter!






Thank you so much! I'm about to upload Chapter 4, so you'll see what happens!




I have my books and my poetry to protect me.
— Paul Simon