Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
The ramshackle old door scraped on the sand as it slowly swung open onto the claustrophobic alleyway. The sunlight could not illuminate the hood-covered face of the man who stepped onto the street. With a rucksack over his shoulder, he pulled his cape closer to his body, slowly peered back and forth down the straight alley, noted that no one was watching and stepped out fully. The metal of his shin guards and chain mail clinked and clanked softly. No wind billowed through his cape, as a breeze was hard to come by in these tight alleyways.
Behind him, on the bare bed lay a woman, face still flushed. The only light in the austere home came from the two square windows, one next to the bed that let in the faint glow of the faraway sun and displaying the meager yard at the center of which was a small fist-sized mound of sacrificial kola; another window at the other end of the home, giving only a view of the wall of their neighbor. A collection of coins and a small bag of provisions sat at the foot of the bed.
When the door closed and the sound of metal grew softer and died away, she slid her feet off the bed. Took the dress from her right from the ground at the head of the bed and put it on. The color was faded, browner than the intended green, and colder due to the few holes that rippled across it. She carefully counted the money and inspected the provisions. She stood up and walked to a set of clay pots forming a small group on the edge of the room.
She opened a small reddish pot and gripped a few dried leaves and yellow and pink flowers. She reached for a mortar and pestle and pounded the herbs. She lit the firepit at the center of the room; the smoke rushed out the two windows as she placed a bronze kettle on the fire. After she heard it rumbling, she took the water off and tossed the ground herbs in. She drank her drink in sips and retired to rest.
It came as quite the surprise to her, when she began retching a few weeks later. Nine months later, Nawaedghe was born.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
OMG! I recognized your name from a long time ago! It's good to see you back... especially with new writing!
So! The origin story of Nawaedghe!
Hm... it's very descriptive. Though I'm not sure of how accurate the description is... a knight quietly sneaking away with full chain metal on? Lolol. Maybe he thinks it's sneaking, but I assume the woman would kind of watch him leave like, "Yeah, okay, I'll let you think you're being sneaky" LOL.
It is kind of weird how quietly you're keeping the identities of the people... both the man who is literally shrouded and the woman, whom... while she isn't hidden per say, doesn't seem to be really interested in anything beyond money and tea. Nor is it clear how old she is. Hmmm... though I assume she is older because she has her own home, which honestly seems like a little home for only her, so it doesn't seem like she's really expecting anything much as for a family.
So Nawaedghe comes from a knight (I assume anyway... chainmail, etc.) and his lover? Or perhaps a prostitute, seeing as she counts money as soon as he leaves? Though if she were a prostitute, I dunno... maybe the whole baby thing wouldn't be such a big surprise. Unless the tea she drank is some sort of contraceptive thing to prevent her from conceiving? Maybe that's why she's surprised.
Anyway. Not quite sure what to expect from this... it seems like a sketch for a bigger and better story with an actual character we care about... Nawaedghe! So let the first chapter commence!
Hi there,
I like the beginning of this story. You manage to paint a decent picture with your description and start hinting to a possible plot. Here are some thoughts I have on your writing:
What I appreciate
In a very short piece of writing you manage to get the reader curious for this world you are building, a medieval-feeling world into which a child is born. I'm curious to see where it goes! I like that you show, rather than outright tell, many of the things happening, for instance by saying "she began retching a few weeks later" instead of outright naming that she's pregnant. I think this descriptive language works throughout your piece, like when you write this:
Here you show us that your character does not want to be seen, you make the reader get in his shoes and want to hide themself, too.
What I think could be improved
I think you can push this descriptive writing even more! For example, you write about the "claustrophobic alley". What makes this alley claustrophobic? Is it the lack of space between the walls? Is it the lack of sunlight that the high walls allow to come into it? Is it the air that feels thicker because no wind is blowing? Words like "claustrophobic" may point more to a feeling that a character has, rather than the intrinsic nature of the alley, and to make your reader feel this even more, you could find other ways of describing it.
Along the same lines, you say things like
In this instance, how does the narrator know that the colour was intended to be green? Perhaps because the colour has clearly been washed away by the sun. Or perhaps it's simply dirt that has accumulated on the cloth, which makes it take this browner colour. Giving a bit more indication can help your reader better visualize the world you're building.
Then, while your description is very strong, I feel like the action is sometimes lost within it. For example, you describe the woman lying on the bed, but then go on to keep describing the setting, without giving us more information on the woman. I'm left wondering: is she awake or asleep? Has she noticed the man leaving the building? Is she simply lying down, or is she doing something? Giving a little bit more context on this can help the reader flow through the description more smoothly. Maybe it is even through the character's actions that we get more description. For example:
>You describe the woman who is laying down.
>As she looks at the man who is leaving, she shields her eyes from the faint glow of the sun as her eyes get accustomed to the light.
Just by adding a small detail like this, and including it into your description, you've given a bit more context into what is actively happening in the scene, and the flow feels more natural, we are not simply slowed down by the description.
Overall, I think you've written quite a moody piece of writing that raises multiple questions, which I'm curious to see evolve into different plot points and characters!
Keep it up!
Good afternoon!
I must say, your writing style is very solid 😊 I felt very engaged and in the moment, very atmospheric. Maybe a slight overuse of adjectives but it still works very well :3
Quick grammar tip: “fist-sized” etc with a dash!
I had to quickly ask a dictionary if kola might just be an English word I’m unfamiliar with ^^° But I think it might an effigy of some kind in this story?
Ah yws ate one of your spaces: “and poundedthe herbs”
For how atmospheric and on point the beginning was, I found the end, with the last 2 sentences very rushed. Part that feeling comes from the fact that you have two phrasings with “later” in very short succession.
I suppose part of the herbs was trying to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant and then it happened anyway?
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Thank you
Kola is the name of the plant for which drinks like Coca Cola have been named because the plant used to be used as flavoring in some fizzy drinks.
The nuts have been considered quite valuable historically and used to be used as sacrifices in some cultures.
Thank you so much for the explanation :3