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Young Writers Society



Small Words

by Lord Anzius


Mr. Teague sat at the porch, by the small round bistro style table. He sipped at his tea and set it down. Longingly, he looked over the grassland and hills stretching behind his house, and began to light his pipe. As the smoke began to form, his wife, Paula knocked on the patio door and poked her head out.

-You have a visitor dear.

-…

-Should I tell him to join you?

-Who is it?

-Lehman.

-… Let me enjoy this one.

Mr. Teague sucked in a breath of his tobacco and blew out a grey cloud of smoke. Paula drew back from the door and soon returned Ulysses Lehman following in her steps.

Mr. Teague rose from his chair and walked to greet his friend with a handshake.

-Ulysses, how goes it?

-Dreadful, absolutely dreadful!

Teague lifted an eyebrow, and pointed his friend to a chair and seated himself so that he could converse with his visitor while looking at the scenery. Ulysses began talking even before Teague could pour him a cup of tea.

-Absolutely horrible!

-What is?

-Well, have you not heard!?

-Of what my good friend?

-Yet again those infuriating pagans have decided to ruthlessly slaughter my brothers and sisters in Israel.

Mr. Teague leaned back on his chair and pulled his pipe to his lips. A puff of smoke floated in up into the air as he closed his eyes.

-How many died, pray?

-Three people dead! Can you believe the audacity of those heathens?

-Ah. ‘tis but a scratch on the population wouldn’t you say?

-Do I detect mockery? How can you scuff at such an atrocious act of violence upon innocent civilians?

-They say that violence breeds hate.

-Who do?

-They…

Teague pointed over the plains with the back of his pipe.

-People.

-Well indeed! Violence does, and it won’t be long before we finally retaliate…

-Here is your tea.

-Thank you.

-…

-This is good tea… Oh I almost forgot Dennis is coming over as well, he must be on his way all ready.

-Mm.

They sat, drinking tea. Ulysses was steaming with righteous rage over the situation at hand. He was one of those people who took divinity by the collar and showed it up onto the face of reason until reason gave up.

There was a creaking at the door.

-I see that Ulysses is at it again.

It was a voice so jovial and carefree that it used to remind people of lazying and alcohol, as was much the reality with Dennis.

-I see that you were able to remove yourself from the wine bottle. What happened, did it finish?

-Good afternoon Dennis.

-Afternoon Teague you old rascal, hasn’t anyone told you smoking kills? I finished the wine, and my flask of whiskey.

- Smoking calms my nerves Dennis.

Dennis grabbed a chair and sat down.

-You’ve any coffee?

-…

-Thank you.

Dennis whipped out a flask and poured its contents into the cup.

-I thought that you said you drank your flask!

-I had another one.

Mr. Teague laughed as Ulysses stared distastefully at their friend.

After Dennis had settled down they began talking again, Lehman leading the discussion.

-You know,

Dennis said between sips of his Irish coffee,

-I don’t understand your anger. You don’t hail from a Zionist background as I recall.

-That doesn’t matter! They are my people!

-I’m just saying that why are you getting mad here while drinking your tea?

-…

-There is one sentence that springs to mind over this whole issue.

-Yes Teague?

-“A man tormented by a demon is a devil brewing.”

-… I don’t understand.

-Ha! Teague, you are as mysterious as ever.

Mr. Teague smiled under the pillowing smoke of his tobacco.

As the day progressed the men stopped talking of Palestine and moved onto more pressing matters: The fertility of the lands and value of crops. This is, of course, typical human nature, since people dying far away seems like an illusion and their grief borders non-existence. Distance lessens value as some say; this resembles the mindset of people who say that “out of sight, out of mind”.

-I dare say that Teague’s lands are by far the most fertile! Teague old friend, I adjure you to sell me a furlong of your land! It is beautiful land I can see, and I know how you love watching it, but a furlong shan’t bother you if I buy it from the borders of your land.

-…

-Ulysses! Please tell him that the money I offer would be a good add to his wealth. I would pay with gold and rubies! Gold and rubies, my friend.

-Ha! Where would someone such as you get such assets!

-Ah Lehman my pal.

Dennis looked mischievously at Ulysses, and tapped his nose as if to stress his point.

-A figure of speech… It is a figure of speech. Nevertheless, a handsome sum of money!

Mr. Teague, ever so silent, on his third patch of tobacco, looked along his lands and waved at it with his hand with a grand gesture.

-My land… Is not for sale…

-Pray, why not?!

-… It is there for my own enjoyment, there is a certain peace in serene scenery… If I wished to smell cow manure on daily bases I would start a farm, I assure you.

-So your final answer is “no”?

-Indeed.

-See Dennis I told you so.

-Hmph.

Mr. Teague, a retired military officer and aristocrat, was what people would call a gentleman. He did not speak much, mostly because he believed that few things required speaking. He had heard of possible bad effects of smoking and decided that he was old enough not to care. Choice is such a wonderful trait.

After the failed transaction Dennis soon grew tired of chit-chat and the two visitors thought they should leave. Mr. Teague once again left on the porch looking at the distance.

Paula sat next to him. He put away his pipe.


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Tue Feb 15, 2022 3:21 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi LordAnzius,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

A very surprising and unusual short story. It reminded me of a melancholy afternoon, which brings me straight to the point that the story would probably also have made a great play.

I think visually there's no denying that you keep a lot in the dialogue here, which opens up the terrace more and more for the reader. I like how the introduction unfolds in short steps right away, and we quickly get to the point in the conversation between the two men. I think that the dialogues, which I find to be the main focus of the story, are really successful and together with the atmosphere that you try to create here, you create a very great aura. I would put the story a little bit in the timeless, because it seems as if we are in the middle of a conflict that you don't want to name.

I think what I particularly liked was the way you set up the story with this unusual - for me, anyway - stylistic device of not using inverted commas. You have a good structure and tone, and the readability is very good.

The only critic I have could be this here:

Longingly, he looked over the grassland and hills stretching behind his house, and began to light his pipe.

I think for the beginning of the story I would find it better if you described more here instead of going straight to the dialogue. We already get some good information about Mr. Teague and what he's like character-wise, but I think by adding some more details, like what he sees first, you also give the reader a chance to get inside his head for a while.

Otherwise, and to sum up, I liked this short story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Mon Oct 22, 2012 6:32 pm
Cadi wrote a review...



Hi there, Anzius,

This seems to have been sitting around neglected for some time, but hopefully I will be able to give it some helpful attention and suggest some things which are of use to you. This seems like an interesting piece, with what appears to be a slightly philosophical undertone. But there are also a few ways in which I think it could be improved, so let's talk about those.

Firstly, your choice of punctuation for dialogue is interesting. It's a bit weird when first reading through - the first bit of speech causes a slight double-take, because the usual hint of speechmarks is not present to alert the reader that they have reached dialogue. You also don't use any dialogue tags, as though it's a script without stage directions, which has two effects that I would describe as negative. The first is that, as there is no action attached to the dialogue, it's hard to visualise the people as they speak. This is a phenomenon known as "talking heads" by some. The second is that there are moments of confusion, where it is not entirely clear who is speaking - especially once Dennis arrives and there are three speakers in a single conversation.

This latter is amplified by the fact that there is not a lot to distinguish the characters' voices. If you listen carefully to people speaking, you will find that not everyone speaks in the same way. People use different idioms, different ways of phrasing, and this should carry into writing, so that if there are no dialogue tags at all, the characters would still be relatively distinct. Tied into this is emotion of dialogue. Ulysses Lehman, for example, is for most of this piece described as being in a fine rage. Yet his speech is as eloquent and reasonable as Teague's. (Connected to this: what is the setting for this piece? The vocabulary used feels a little archaic, and suggests a time fairly well into the past, but I can't be sure.) How many people have you seen, in films or on TV, fly into an impassioned rage, and then start on a complex sentence peppered with multi-syllabic adjectives? How many of them, halfway through a rant, stop to sip at tea and remember casually that a friend is en route? If Ulysses' dialogue were a little less eloquent and a little more sudden and 'in bursts', it might illustrate better that he is angry.

Something else that I think might be an area for improvement is related to Ulysses' anger, and it is this: what purpose does his anger serve? He sweeps into Teague's place, rants, has some tea, and then talks to Teague and Dennis for a while about land and money, and then the visitors leave. There isn't really much that could be called a plot going on. Why does Ulysses care so much about Palestine? If he cares so much, why does he not react angrily to Dennis' dismissive greeting? How did they move from Palestine to land, and what is the relation between them? Has Dennis been after Teague's land for long, and is this a source of tension between them? In short, does this conversation have any impact beyond the fact it occurred, and what is the story of that impact? Teague sitting on the porch with Paula is not a satisfying point to leave the reader, and in fact leaves your reader wondering whether there was a point to reading the piece.

So, to summarise: what you have feels like an interesting starting point, but it doesn't have much of a plot to keep the reader interested, and it's a bit heavy on dialogue (which is not integrated with the action, and doesn't particularly convey a message that matches the action).

I don't think I have much more to say for now, but I hope that what I have said has been somewhat helpful. If you would like me to clarify or expand on a point I've made, or do a spelling-and-grammar nitpick, please feel free to message me - inbox for preference over wall post, as I'll not be notified for the latter.

Cadi x





Sometimes wisdom came from strange places, even from giant teenaged goldfish.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena