Young Writers Society

I like the repetition and consistent rhythm (apart from 'There is a little girl in the corner of my mind that has tried so hard to only be pushed down again and again' - you could use the word again once instead of twice )

it reinforces the unchanging mood that accompanies individuals who suffer from depression. The visual imagery also conveys how no one notices, or seems to care about the girl ('in the corner of my mind/ tried so hard,') and how it manifests the depression (so far gone,' )

To improve it maybe you could use more metaphors and other imagery (what does she hear, what does she see, what does she do every day? )

Hi Lonely Star.

At first I want to compliment your work...it's very straight forward. You used words that literally described how a depressed person feels and does, and for me it's a good thing. Maybe you could add some imagery or metaphor, to add a little taste and depth to your poem. I also like the way you work with your lines, how you used "Somewhere in the corner of my mind is a little girl..." in repetition for you highlight the kind of emotion you want to impose and the emotion you want us to feel. Keep up the good work and I am looking forward for more of your writings.

Hi there LonelyStar and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this poem.

I like the metaphor of the little girl. It kind of gives off the vibe that the depression is its own entity, at once separate from the speaker and part of them. I also like how there's hints to a larger story, of someone who has fought and fought but now feels faded and defeated. I can relate to that feeling, having had my own mental health issues.

That said, this piece falls into a lot of the common traps we fall into when people (and yes, I've done this myself) write about emotions in poems. It's easy to say "I feel sad/happy/in love". It's common in poems about depression to use images like slashed wrists and fake smiles. It's harder to use your own imagery to make the poem sound new and different. It's harder to show how "my depression" is different from "your depression" or what the reader's stock image of a depressed person might be. It's hard to get specific. But doing these hard things make a poem better.

If you want to leave this alone, as more of an emotional release, I understand. But thinking about stronger ways to show emotion is good when writing emotional poetry in the future. Here's some good articles about it:
Editing for Emotion
Emotional Poetry

In the corner of my mind lies a girl that is so far gone, nothing but a shadow remains.