RANDOM THOUGHTS
1. I am drop dead ugly, thats why I don't get Valentines.
2.I think I look like a beaver, minus the tail.
3. Trish my even ugliar best friend got a Valentine and I didn't.
Maybe I should stop numbering, I mean I'm losing my thought process. I hate Valentines day, in sixth grade you are the best if you have a boyfriend. They call it going out but where are they going? nowhere but hell. I hope. No scratch that. I'm starting to sound worse then them. I can't do that now can I. Heather started to pass out her Valentines, I'm not even going to hope I get one, because I just know I won't. They make fun of me for this. Writing these stupid thoughts. Your lucky I still do this. Connors passing his out. He's the only one here thats decent. He looks like he only has a few to give. I would be the luckiest girl in the world to get one. It won't happen though. Wait, why is he coming over here? He drops one on my desk, I couldn't help that my face lit up the the griswalds house. "Will you go out with me?" he asked me!!!!!! "That depends, go where?" He laughed, "but seriously, will you?" I thought, am I ready for a boyfriend I mean I'm only in sixth grade. "Connor, I like you I really do, but I'm not ready for a boyfriend, it's just to soon." "fine, I'll ask Heather." There goes the decent one. I hope he goes to hell. Just kidding. Thats how my Valentines dday went, suckish as usual.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello dear!
Aw, this was cute. But we've got some technicalities that could really be fixed.
Babe, it's Uglier.
Capitalize the 's' in sixth.
Ahahah! Capitalize the 'n' in nowhere.
This is a question and thus needs a question mark.
You're*
HAHAHA but it should be 'Griswald's' not griswalds.
Whoa, calm down the exclamation points. One is all you need.
The thought needs to be in italics, and you need to have a question mark at the end, because this is a question.
This was really relatable for a sixth grader. But relatability isn't everything. You need to work on punctuation, and tenses. you jumped around a lot, which was just as distracting as missing question marks or too many exclamation points. Even though it was cute and totally understandable, it needs worked on so you can show everyone exactly how cute it is. Because right now it looks like something that was thrown together in the hopes of it looking good, instead of being written to look good. I know you know the difference, and I know you can work to get it to be better. Good luck, Welcome to YWS, and if you have any questions, drop me a PM! <3
Haha, this is cute! Thank you for taking the time to write this up and submit this, whether this was a true story or not. Since you wrote it using "I", I'm going to review it using "you".
Now, I like the way you talk to the reader directly. I ESPECIALLY like the sentence "You're lucky I still do this", because it means we've been listening to you for a long time, we know a lot about it, and it makes us feel friendly with you.
I am confused, however, about why this girl wants Valentines SO MUCH and spends SO MUCH TIME talking about it, but when her chance finally comes she rejects him? I want to hear her thoughts as she does this. Why isn't she ready for a boyfriend? What makes her think that? Has her mom said anything about it? Why is she so jealous of these people if she knows it's not that important?
Lastly, please listen to the other reviewer. Make line breaks. Paragraphs contain related ideas, so when they stop being so related, give us a break. For example, after "I can't do that now can I?" you start a new thought, so that'd be a good place for a new paragraph. Also, yep! Every time you have a new speaker, put the dialogue on a new line. It'll help us follow the conversation better.
One more question: does Trish know you think she is uglier? What does she feel about that? And who did she get a Valentine from and how does she feel about THAT?
Good luck! Keep writing. Welcome to YWS, and send me a message if you have any questions.
Hi Logo! Okay so here's my review and maybe this will give you a few ideas on how to write some of your own
Specifics
1.
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3. I like that you open this with the three points, that works nicely and I like that they all follow on to each other. You get a good sense for the character's voice and it made me smile so so far so good.
4. This needs to be stronger! It's the first time we get a full sentence so you need to make it a really good one to keep the reader's attention and you need to make these sentences flow better. At the moment they feel a bit stiff and disjointed. Maybe try something like:
I've got to stop numbering 'cos if I get to five, I am gonna go out of my mind with depression. I mean, come on! It's a nightmare. Valentines is like this thing that someone invented so all the normal people like you and me have to feel bad about ourselves. Oh wait, you have a boyfriend? Well whoop-de-doo for you.
5. <<< This part is good! The emotion's nice and it's well structured.
6. << Still do what? I'm confused! Has this person written cards and is handing them out? Give us more details!
7. Build the suspense more! It's too obvious Connor is going to come over. I think you need to have someone else come close and her get hopeful, then for them to put it on the desk next to her.
8. The dialogue feels unrealistic. I want to see nervous people having nervous conversation! And I want to see descriptions of how they move, whether he gives her a card and she opens it. You need to describe the actions!
9. Love the ending xD
Overall
You've got a good premise here but you need to take more time with this! For writing to be good, you have to put more effort in and really set the scene. I want a few more details like what does Connor look like, how does he move?
You should start a new line each time you have some dialogue as well so that it's easier to read. Like, every time you open speech marks, press enter first. It makes it look less clumpy. You don't have to do it every time actually, but whenever it's a new speaker.
Hopefully this gives you some ideas!
All the best,
Heather xx
Wow girl you have some really negative thoughts.
Who cares if you got a date on Valentine's day, all you need is friends who love you for who you really are and you should have said yes to Connor
Any way always be optimistic
Don' worry this is definitly not based on me I wanted to make it more negitive so I might make another one where she is more positive