Sara knew they were fighting. She couldn't hear it, but she knew. Even on valentines day they had to do this. Sara walked into her sisters room. "Wanna go for a walk?" Olivia nodded her head. Sara took her baby sisters hand, and walked out the door and up the road. This is what they always had done when they would fight. They walked till they reached the dirt road. "should we go back?" Olvia shook her head. "No I wanna keep going." "Well alright." they had never explored back this way yet. they walked silently hand in hand. Then Olivia turned and pointed. "Hey thats daddys truck!" and sure enough she was right. It sped away as quick as it came. The girls ran back to the house. when they came in Mama was sobbing. Olivia rushed to comfort her. But her mother just pushed her away. This confused Olivia. she look lost and scared. Sara took her to her room, and went to her weeping mother. "Mama what happend? what did he say?" she paused her sobs for a second to say "he said that I was an awful wife and mother, he wanted to take you and Olivia, he went to get a restraining order." This was true. Sara's mother wasn't mother of the year. There was countless times she had let them starve and neglect them. "What did you tell him! This is your fault you bitch!!" This did not bother Sara. Her mother had said these things many times. Sara loved her father, he was kind, funny, and a great father. She hoped he'd be back soon. Her mother went back to sobbing so Sara went back to Olivias room. "it's ok Liv, shes not very nice anyway." She took Oliva into her arms and stroked her amber hair. "can you sing for me?" "sure." she sang the song her father had taught her when she was three. Before she knew it, olivia was asleep.
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
1. Space between paragraphs please.
2. When someone speak you put the dialogue in another line seperated form the paragraph.
3. You have some mistakes I think you should re-read this and edit it.
4. I think you should more details, I want to know how was life with the mother and what are Olivia's and Sara's feelings toward their mother.
It needs a lot of work.
I hate this one, really I don't know how I could write this thanks for the tips
1. Space between paragraphs please.
2. When someone speak you put the dialogue in another line seperated form the paragraph.
3. You have some mistakes I think you should re-read this and edit it.
4. I think you should more details, I want to know how was life with the mother and what are Olivia's and Sara's feelings toward their mother.
It needs a lot of work.
What is the key to life?
A question we all want answer, for certain.
But for know lets focus on the key to this piece. We have a father and mother fighting on Valentine's day. Terribly unfortunate. I would have liked for you to elaborate on this occurrence. As of right now, the reader has little clue as to what the man and woman are fighting about or what triggered their outbursts. moving on to the girls. They hear their parents fighting. They walk out of the house on a dirt road. They see their father's truck leaving. They return. Their apparently terrible mother is sobbing about an impending restraining order. The girls are hardly vexed.
To be continued? I'm not sure.
It need to be continued now, I should think. Divorce is the epitome of childhood trauma. Try touching on emotion and internal conflict, not just empty action.
My suggestion is to keep the same concepts but start with a clean slate. Longer. More in depth. Capture and hold me.
Good luck in your writing endeavors,
R. Campbell
thanks for the tip! I was really busy and couldn't continue I couldn't save! I think I might delete it. It defenitly was not my favorite.