Young Writers Society

ZeldaIsShiek here to review one of the most incredible theatrical poems I have ever read in my entire life. This is truly an amazing work of art, and I am here to critique your fluency and flamboyant writing style while also interpreting the inner meaning of the poem and the narrative itself. Without any more introduction, let's begin!

The narrative starts out as feeling very innocent and gray, feeling like the woman is both innocent and a bit tricky. The introduction you laid out for the readers to analyze was very advanced, and I felt that it set in stone the quality of the poem to come. Nothing short of excellent could describe the amount of careful planning and consideration it must have taken to write this poem and perfect it. One of the best parts of this poem is the slow but quadratic rise of suspicion and dangerousness. It starts innocently and nonviolent, then becomes darker, then the seemingly innocent woman is murdering people and saying how dangerous she is! It's nuts! If any poem on YWS has ever been more astute and ambiguous when it comes to the methods the poet uses to convey a change of character than this, I have not read it. This narrative is truly a work of art that should be nourished and taken care of. Keep writing, and have a good day! ZeldaIsShiek- Out!

SO first off, you gotta let me know, what on earth is this lady secrete. Cause obviously the detective found out something that he wasn't suppose to know, otherwise he wouldn't be getting the drake free smoke, free smoke. Overall though this was really really creepy. Even low key scary and I could feel my spine twist and turn as I read this. Heart pounding and racing up until the end and all I can say is WOW, job well done. Unfortunately Your poem scared me so much I don't even think I want to see the short film. If it scared me while reading I pretty sure I will have nightmare's after seeing it. But great job on this poem and rhyme scheme.

Hey there, Ljm00036!

I would like to hear this recited. I think it'd sound great being read by a dark, foreboding voice. Maybe we can see the silhouette of a female in a trench coat and high heels, collar upturned, narrating it.

When I read it, I did think the rhymes were a little forced. Some lines seem too long- like you a desperate journey to the next rhyming word. For others, another word might have been better, such as the line 'you're sure to read about him in a newsletter'. Not many people read newsletters, the rhyme feels forced because 'newspaper' would have been better.

But like I said, with the right pace and dark tones of a narrator, I think it would be good. I just suggest, as a written poem, rewording and playing with your line lengths.

My favourite line was 'Clip clop, her heels echo as she walks'. The woman was innocent at the start, then finds out that her husband has had an affair, and that the detective is in on too (I think the detective felt her wrath because of the line: And the detective, you think he’d be let off with ease?). Then the woman turns deadly, killing the other lady and owning a gun. Clip-clopping heels aren't necessarily a bad thing, but you turn them into a spine-tingling, deathly sound.

You used the writing for a short film? I'd love to see it! But I know sometimes you can't share college stuff for marking reasons. Anyway, I think it's cool that you're using your writing in the world.