Cursed the seas, he did, blight 'em with his force, and the angel's cry was heard, though his voice was hoarse, and through tortured serenity, the blue, the black and bold, cursed the seas, he did, and paradise crashed cold,
Hexed the land, she did, sparred with her mighty rage, and the incredulous acts she did, had the father dismay'd, and grass roots grow thick, through obstinate kindness, hexed the land, she did, her flaws bid her blindness,
Marshalled the skies, they did, with a militant stare, and what was forged through fire was soon crafted in air, and alternative mind of minds, puzzled the highest IQ, marshalled the skies, they did, their imagination broke through,
Mocked the system, we did, patronising all we see, and the status quo was riddled, may order be the key, and the sea, the land, the sky, implied our unjust cruelty, mocked the system, we did, troubled with hateful glee.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hey Lizard1104, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:It has a really fun, whimsical feel about it, even though I can tell that there's a lot that you can draw from it. I really enjoyed the classic, somewhat archaic style, but you also melded it with modern vocabulary, which created a very interesting feel about the whole thing.
The rhyming scheme is great, and you have a wonderful way of doing it naturally. Most times I don't feel like you're trying very hard to do it, and it just seems to fall into place, which is always something that people struggle with.
Don't know why, but I just liked this stanza. It was the most fantastical feeling to me, so I suppose that's why.
Negatives:I really like most of your imagery and vocabulary choices, so not much to say there, but what I did notice is that this whole time I'm supposed to be reading about "guilt," but it doesn't seem very obvious. That's okay because I enjoy a challenge of trying to solve a little riddle, but in the end, there's not enough substance to lead me in the right path of discerning your thoughts. I can come up with a lot of different ideas, but I have no way of telling if they're the one that you thought of first.
I get this sort of Ayn Rand, 1984 feeling from this piece, talking about "mocking" and rebelling against the system, but the whole time we're supposed to be feeling guilt. It was cool, but like I said, not quite rounded off all the way. Seems to be missing just a little bit.
The other thing is that, since you've chosen this great rhyming scheme, why not build it into a more classic poetry style and out of the prose-poetry that just drags it down buy muddling everything together? I think that would go a long way.
Overall:Still a great poem, and loved it.
I give it:
I'm bot seeing the connection between the title and the story. It's a little confusing honestly. Maybe if you could explain the connection, and maybe what the poem is about. However, if I look past the confusion, I think I can tell the point you're trying to get across, and the poem is rhymed beautifully. However, the format could be placed better, but that can be easily overlooked. As for the rhythm, you did that perfectly. Absolutely spot on. I really enjoyed this poem, but it would've been much more enjoyable if I knew it's meaning. I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk, I'm not trying to be one. Thank you for the read. You have a talent, but lots of learning (as do I, trust me). Have a nice day!
Hi My name is Memory and I'm here to review this for you.
First thing I noticed right away is the lack of formatting. This link should help out a bit with YWS formatting, don't worry, I struggle with it too so you're not the only one that YWS messes with on poetry.
How to Format Poetry
If you want the lines together it should be just Shift+enter
Another thing I noticed was the lack of imagery, you want your reader focused on your poem and not just going through to get it over with. so be a bit more descriptive and have fun with it.
This also lacks emotion, and that's something that poetry was made for, emotions. I'm not feeling any and that's not a good thing. Make your reader emotionally invested in what you're writing and I can tell you that they will come back for more.
Hopefully this helps and I encourage you to keep writing.
~Mem
I think you did not receive any reviews because nobody really understands the point you are trying to make here. Probably because it is confusing and doesn't relate to whatever theme you have?