Published December 11, 2004
to gouge this grainy wind which walks so free,
(proving life's existence with no intermittance)
would be so icily cruel, like the bladed sun
which shakes and breaks the gossamer
(and the light rain being the sparkling curtain that
soothes and smoothes)
and looking back, i'm wondering if this winter
will be like last. when i stepped on so much
glass that sometimes when i'm walking long distances,
a small, scorching pain sears my feet
you know, you're subtle-pretty.
it's the little glitters in you that form your mosaic
and though i sometimes get bored with you
(honey, you're always there, so stable. kill me like the rest of them)
my mind never drifts far
the dusty rain kisses everything on the cheek
and it indoctrinates me like i think you can
and, when i think about it, it's really no wonder why you
gave up the blonde of the sun for the black (plain black) of the night.
written: Saturday 6th March 2004, 12:00pm
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
oh my goodness, how wonderful this is!
I adore your ability to use alliteration throughout this poem. This truly is a work of art- plus your vocabulary is so poetic and beautiful. It doesn't just feel beautiful but it looks beautiful too!
Subtle pretty, what a wonderful thought. Also, I love your poetry style too. Organized but also unorganized. I wish I could buy a book of poems like this. I love how you describe the rain kissing everything on the cheep. You really take your descriptions to the next level and don't just leave them as a baseline poetry level.
Love this so much <33
Ellie Mae
This is awesome. I really like this. Keep up the good work!
-Rick
I think this poem is amazing, though I would say that using the brackets makes it look less professional(in my opinion). I am not trying to critisize you. I know how annoiying it is to have someone say every part of your poem is bad. I really enjoiyed it and hope to read more of your work.
Zalex
Oh wow. Liz, this is absolutely amazing. I really love it. It's so beautiful, and you express yourself so well.The flow is perfect and your imagery is wonderful. I especially love;
"it's the little glitters in you that form your mosaic
and though i sometimes get bored with you
(honey, you're always there, so stable. kill me like the rest of them) ".
Brilliant brilliant brilliant.
I love this, and you writing skills are great! Keep writing. ;D
I really loved the first line, and the languague was great. I will say however, that the paranetheses in my opinion were really unnessecary and distracted from the piece as a whole, despite the sarcastic edge they provide.
OMG. [points at marzipan] What they said. And then some. This is AWESOME.
to gouge this grainy wind which walks so free,
(proving life's existence with no intermittance)
would be so icily cruel, like the bladed sun
which shakes and breaks the gossamer
(and the light rain being the sparkling curtain that
soothes and smoothes)
Reeling right from the start. I both understand and dont understand and I reckon thats the way poetry should be. Surprises without making you feel stupid. Well done.
and looking back, i'm wondering if this winter
will be like last. when i stepped on so much
glass that sometimes when i'm walking long distances,
a small, scorching pain sears my feet
This clarifies the previous stanza well, I love the little rhyme-ish bit "will be like the last. when I stepped on so much/glass" - again, it surprises. I love the hidden pockets of meaning throughout.
you know, you're subtle-pretty.
it's the little glitters in you that form your mosaic
and though i sometimes get bored with you
(honey, you're always there, so stable. kill me like the rest of them)
my mind never drifts far
I love the first line - seriously. "you know, you're subtle-pretty". Incredible. I love the rest of it too, although the second and forth lines could perhaps be a teeny bit shorter, so that the rhythm doesnt bounce around so much.
the dusty rain kisses everything on the cheek
and it indoctrinates me like i think you can
Again, I'm reeling...Kind of a non-sequitur but I like it. Intriguing, I'd say.
and, when i think about it, it's really no wonder why you
gave up the blonde of the sun for the black (plain black) of the night.
And the piece de resistance lol. Love it. It took me a few readings to find the tone but after that - like I said. Its awesome. Am looking forward to reading more of your work Liz
Good lord, but that is one talent-oozing piece. I would like to quote my favourite part, but alas, there is no such thing. Seriously, I tried to find a passage I loved above the rest and I couldn't. The whole thing is lovely. Also, it doesn't seem pretentious, as if the poet is above all readers and if we don't understand, that's our problem. It welcomes the reader in, and is comprehendable while still mysterious and beautifully constructed. Your diction and syntax = mwah! I would like to say that this piece is incredibly maturely written for your age, but then who am I to put numbers on good poetry?
By the way, are you Liz_funk from TYWC? The tone sounds familiar.