Sitting here on the landing waiting for a man
to lift my limp wrist,
to breathe on my back like the sun
that used to chase me through the farm
like a sheepdog, or a whip.
It is evening, I see it through the shutters
I tried to close, without the strength.
It is watery, like the mud on the porch
I tripped over, and splattered my head
until the step turned red.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I agree that the title was eyecatching. Yours was the first one that I wanted to read!
About the poem, overall, I liked it. You definitly could feel what the person was feeling.
Very powerful. Nice work!
Liz! I'm not quite sure why I started like that, but it's OK: your name seemed in my mind to require an exclamation mark.
First and foremost, your title is good, indeed it's excellent. Never underestimate the power of a good title: it certainly caught my eye as I wandered the forums looking for critiquable piece. Simple, elegant with that lovely alliteration, just what a poem needs to start well!
I'm not going to go through this one line-by-line, as it felt oddly like something that needed to be taken as a whole. You've certainly evoked feeling well with this one: I can almost smell the impressions of rain, damp, that strange inner depression-peace-happiness that rain can bring. It gives off an aura of encroaching dark, of remote areas and forests and very much a sense of aloneness. These are all compliments! It is very evocative.
I think your structure could be tweaked a little bit, though I'll leave that up to people who are able to look at this more objectively that I am - it calls up ghosts from my own past, and so I'm rather blinded to its faults. Perhaps the key thing I think you need to work on is something to close out them poem: whether that's a definitive close, or even something that leaves possibilities open, I think you could do with bringing it back around to a reference to the beginning, to sitting, and something to bring a feeling of finality to it. As it is, we are left hanging in a way I don't think the poem intends. I could be wrong there.
Anyway, this is a good one, and especially good for me to read. Thank-you for writing it! My heart and soul appreciate it.
Loved it overall, but this part threw me off a little bit.
The comma in the the middle of the first line threw me, and "without the strength" seemed awkward.
Perhaps:
It is evening.
I see it through the shutters
I tried to close, but had no strength.
Other than that, great job!