Grey grains of dehydrated sand in
the colossal hourglass slip
like dusty water to the bottom
and glint mockingly at me
as my eyes glare at the calendar.
I went completely, drily numb as I
half-listened to the vibrations of my
phone and the scent of music in the background.
Because her pincers sank into me
and my pincers sank into her
and futures clashed
and this grey sand was gathering
before we could catch up with it.
My shoulders tighten with red pain
from trying to carry this checked weight
uphill for hours whilst the grains
rush to the bottom of the hourglass.
They slip even faster than the invisible tears down my cheeks.
written: Thursday 12th August, 2004, 7:03pm.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Beautiful. Although, the third stanza leaves something to be desired after some mouth-watering lines.
The last line, while being great, is too long, I think it needs to be cut down or split.
Yeah, Liz, I have to agree with both of them. You're like the queen of analogies!
I think I'll remember that one for awhile.
I have to say I liked the first and the last stanzas the best. You seem to be really good at that, with the endings. The middle parts were so-so, but like I said, the edges were the best parts.
'They slip even faster than the invisible tears down my cheeks.'- I think this was the best line.
It was really good, however, I have a couple things I'd like to point out.
I think this would fit as its own sentence. So end the line before it with a period, and say "Glinting mockingly at me..."
I'm not sure if drily is a word. Is it dryly? Someone with a dictionary check this, please.
I think it would be better if you took out the and.
I didn't really understand it, but it's still really cool. That's okay. Somehow, I get the feeling it wasn't meant to be completely understood.
I like how you put the exact time you completed it...I wish I could remember to that.
Well, the poem in general, for me atleast was hard to grasp...hard to really focus on. However, you used words beautifulyl and I must admit the poem flowed very well.