The song composed by the watermelon pips
that rained upon the sopping dirt
was a lie.
And it lay
all night.
Before you could reach it your leg gave way
and the cherries were not enough
though plentiful as a war.
The river wound around you like a pharaoh,
and your white eyelashes stuck together,
and your lips would never kiss again.
It set you there with cruelty,
until naught but fruit rinds
found you in the dark.
written: Thursday 11th January 2007, 12am.
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Now this first part come over a bit randomly to me. If there was some sort of setting/ background which can make the fact that the watermelon pips could compose a song, it would be easier to take in.
I dont think that the second two lines are descriptive enough and the rhythm is very broken.
This second stanza is very good, and (don't take this personally) much better than the first stanza, mainly because of the watermelon thing. I'm sure it will make sense once you've explained it to me.
A quick question, why use the word Pharaoh? Is it some sort of link to the Nile or does it instead act as some sort of authority figure?
The meaning is a bit to vague, could you clarify it for me?
A nice piece, I really liked that second stanza. Feel free to PM me if you want to clarify for me, instead of posting it here.