The....

First off:
Lots of grammatical errors.
If you want, I will help you sort them out.
It's interesting. But you shouldn't start out with all of those descriptions. You might bore other readers.
And then you need a little less dialogue and a little more descriptions for the next couple of chapters.
It's an alright start, though!
Keep writing!

I started reading this, then realized that I have a parade I have to be at in like, five minutes. So I'll get back to this later.

Just a few suggestions...
It says this is your only post, and you're a new member. Read up on the FAQ's and rules, because you haven't so far. I can tell because you're supposed to crit a few things before posting your first thing. It's not set in stone and we wont tear you apart for it, but it's just the way things work. The more you crit peoples work, the more people who will crit you in return. It's a win-win situation.

Also, you should get to know some people around here, and this is just a fun thing for new members. But if you go to the community forum, you'll find a welcome section, introduce yourself! You'll meet a lot of people there who can help you with anything you need, and it's just...fun. The people here are just about the best thing about this site, everybody is really nice.

Okay, that's all for me!

If you ever need anything or have any further questions, feel free to PM me, and I'll see what I can do for you!

-JC