I shiver and shake relentlessly
"Let me go!" I shout, "Let me be free!"
My chains of cotton keep me glued to my wax prison
But my hair of fire and determination whips freely in the still air
My soft glow is the only light in this dim, damp room
That is more like a cell than a living space
I shriek with the unfairness of it all
I want to soar high with my brothers
My kin of dust, and smoke
That float above my head, beckoning
But my wick is growing smaller
My life drawing to a close
Each drop of wax that falls to the floor
*drip, drip*
Is a constant reminder that I am dying
That I will never know the freedom of the sun,
That sleeps, so peacefully in the blankets of the sky
Or the moon
That sits on it's armchair made of stars
My golden mane gives one last, defeated flicker
And my light goes out
But my thin stream of smoke rises up
Finally free of my wax shackles
A reminder of the light that once fought for it's freedom
Here, in this cold, dark room
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi Liverwurst, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Theme: I absolutely love that you chose such a simple concept (the one of a flames life from start to finish.) and turned it into something so beautiful and interesting to read. It proves that even the simplest of things can be used to create a wonderful poem.
Description: Your description was wonderful in this poem. You used metaphors, similes and lots of colour which really made the poem come alive in my mind. I could picture everything in crystal clear colour. You also provided a lot of beautiful emotions. I never thought of how a flame feels about its short life, but you provided a lovely story filled with lots of emotion and description. Well done.
Grammar and Punctuation: Okay I am not an expert at this and I am just going to recommend asking for a review on this from @Rascalover or @Meerkat. They know a lot more about poetry punctuation then me and will probably be more helpful.
Small suggestions: My only suggestion is to keep writing poetry like this because I really enjoyed it.
Overall I really loved this poem and look forward to your next piece. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hello, Liverwurst (Is you're name like, a food or something?)~
This is Swordfish here with a review for you (might be a short one because I'm sick, I'm tired, my head hurts, and occasionally I become dizzy)
I AM IN NO WAY AN AUTHORITY ON POETRY. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE MY REVIEW, AND TAKE ADVICE AT YOUR OWN RISK
Alright, so I'm not really big on poetry that gives inanimate objects personification, or poetry about inanimate objects having their own conscious. So I'm going to try very hard here to interpret this the best I can. A candlelight who dreams of going out to turn into ash and smoke in order to "be free." I have read several poems about candles that burn out in a sad manner, and how a candle wants to be lit, but I have never seen a poem about a candle /wanting/ to go out, so I'm going to give you some creativity points on that!
Alright, I have a nitpick I want to share.
Well, clearly a candlelight can't speak, so I was thinking it would look a little bit better if it was something like this~
Also, another nitpick of mine is that this next line is pretty unnecessary, and I think I'd like the poem better with it. It just feels out of place in my opinion.
Alright, as I repeat, I'm not feeling well, so I think it'd be best for me (and my health) if I wrapped up the review here. You did an excellent job! Keep on writing!
~Swordfish