They always say the same things.
If love's a game, I always imagine that it's something like a convoluted horse race. Every Thoroughbred champion, the biggest and the best, all thrown into one event. They burst out of the starting gate with the intent to win, then run their hearts out to the finish line.
Then, one by one, they'll all start dropping to the ground. Maybe it's one rider's fault. Maybe he allows his horse to get caught between opponents, perhaps a little too close for comfort. There's probably dirt flying back into his face and everything is happening at an impossible pace, so it's easy to lose track of what he's doing. His horse stumbles as its back hooves clip the front. He's in the middle of the pack and there's no other direction but the way gravity is taking him. Then maybe he takes them all down with him, and only a few will make it past the first corner.
So they all fall short of the finish line. So what if a bunch of innocent riders get crushed by trampling hooves in the mean time. It happens, that's life. Others are going to tromp all over you, and then they're going to fall too. They probably don't mean anything by it.
I wish that love were something like a horse race. We could all take bets. The fools, the hopeless romantics, they can go ahead and bet on the winners.
As for me, I'll bet on the losers. Nobody wins at this game.
I like you, I do. Go ahead and tell me I'm pretty. You love me? Good for you. You want to be with me forever and ever and ever and ever? That's nice.
You're handsome and you're sweet and you're kind, but just tell me that you like me.
I'm not ready to be crushed yet.
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Hey there!
I think you did a good job on this. It was original and that made it all the more enjoyable to read!
I liked the way you described love being like a race, because it kind of is. Your whole analogy makes sense and it leaves the reader thinking about the descriptions and plot long after reading the story, which is great, as it means you've made an impact.
I do agree that the second half is a lot quicker than the first half, and I think you could benefit by adding in more about the guys/guy who she's referring to. Or course, they could just be hypothetical guys, but then if they are, maybe instead you could add in how she's seen her friends 'crushed' by guys. Seen the pain it brings, and maybe that frightens her?
I don't want you to add anything that will take away from the great parallel you have going here between love and the horse race, but a little something more will help get this story up there with the best.
I hope this helps!
xDudettex
Hello there.
I've got to say, this puts an entirely new perspective on things.
A few nitpicks then I'll get on with it..
just some tiny punctuation issues...
That was really all I found wrong with it was that section.
I never thought of love like that. That love was a race to the finish and that everyone loses at that game. I think there are a handful of the lucky ones that don't get crushed, but overall when i sat there and thought about it, it was all very much, and sadly, true.
I don't think anyone is ready to get crushed, though. And hopefully you're not. You did a great job about putting something different on here. A different take on what love is; that's where the real creativity is. You did a fantastic job. Hopefully I gave you encouragement. Keep writing like this
--Ash
First off, I love the analogy. You paralleled the two things perfectly, and you explained it really well. The only thing I would change is beef up the second half a little. I'd love to see more of the part where you address guys in general. Otherwise, I loved the descriptions, the topic, and the metaphor. All in all, it was awesome. Keep writing!
Hi.. So starting off I would first say that you have successfully combined to things I love (Horse and Romance) To create a great masterpiece!! I wish there was a 'Love' button to click!! It was so beautiful that I just got lost in it.. I specifically love the ending of this piece.. It was nice how you packed it up with that Line 'I'm not ready to be crushed yet'. That and the opening was the best part of your story!! Keep writing like this..And I'll keep reviewing it!!
Harshita:)